11th April 2022 at 9:09 pm #141745RaindropsOnRosesParticipant
Hi, I’m new to the forum.
I got away from my now-ex partner (detail removed by moderator) months ago. My life is better without him (I went back to education, made new friends who by now I’m super close to and they’re much better friends than the ones who abandoned me when I broke up with my ex.) but I’m still pretty depressed. I guess I’m still unpacking everything that happened and keep realising it was much worse than I thought.
First when I realised the abuse had gone on for a couple of years, not just the final few months of our relationship. Also little things, like getting distressed every time I yawn without covering my mouth because it was him who got me to stop covering my mouth when I yawn. Most recently, I’ve pieced together that the sex he manipulated, pressured and guilt-tripped me into when I didn’t want to have it, was sexual assault. Cause I let him do it, he didn’t physically force me. But that ‘consent’ was coerced so it wasn’t actually consent. I don’t know what to do with how that makes me feel. Sort of so sad I’m numb and can’t move.
I half wish I could forget everything, but that would erase (detail removed by moderator) years of my life.
11th April 2022 at 9:43 pm #141747AurielParticipant
Aw Raindropsonroses, the body + mind has a funny way of putting you into a numb trance like state when your in, and when your out of your abuse + yes coercive control is “very” slyly done + it’s really hard to explain to people who’ve not experienced it. It can take a long time to be ok? there are times when I still feel so dirty when I change my underwear or take them off for bathing, I know I’ll never be as I was before I was hurt in those ways, and I still have escape room nightmares with people trying to come in and get me and I can’t lock the door or find another way out? Our systems are telling us in different ways something is wrong and something bad happened that we didn’t want, a good support system is a start, not blocking feelings or denying them, stay in the present the feelings will pass (they may come up again but as long as your aware it gets easier to deal with) our system knows more than we do sometimes (it warns us but we can’t see or understand what it’s trying/tried to tell us) I might go to yoga or tai-chi soon see if it calms my system a bit from the nightmares, I can’t tell you when you’ll be ok and fighting to be the person you were before could leave you angry that it’s not happening but you have a future, a right to a life and knowledge that some people aren’t aware of, don’t push yourself it takes time it’s a process, you’ve learned a lot you’ve been though a lot remember what you love focus on that and how you deserve to be treated by people, no rushing 🧡💛🧡
20th April 2022 at 1:58 pm #142263FunduroParticipant
It takes time (detail removed by Moderator)
I am in a small amount of debt now due to the ex rinsing all my resources but faking a relationship in order to do this to me.
(Detail removed by Moderator).
Women are still second class citizens, get paid less than men but we definitely work harder and get knocked every time we try to get a better position in life.
A huge proportion of men are bullies. It’s just the way of the world. A lot of them work in the police, which only feeds the trauma when we discover this.
(Detail removed by Moderator).
Hats off to the women who do this work, but there is something seriously wrong with a society which allows men to freely harrass and stalk their ex partners just because they used to be in some twisted fake abusive relationship.
They should not even be called relationship.
These people feed off our light and feminine energy and power.
They don’t want women to be seen or heard.
My ex used to lock me in the house once he knew I was leaving him.
These men are so pathetic and insecure to do these things to good decent women.
I use art to deal with trauma, and I am trying to make new positive connections with people who don’t say inappropriate things to me.
I am wiser now to the creepy sexism that infects our society. Wish I hadn’t had to go through having my self esteem drained off until I literally couldn’t even think straight.
Trauma bonding is the worst bit…it’s just so insipid…we miss the fake version of that person, the version they use to get women into their nasty trap.
Abusive men always appear perfect for us in the beginning so just take time to get to know people and don’t move in too quickly, nomatter how nice their house is etc etc.
I fell for this nasty piece of work as he faked being into the same things as me and he had a (detail removed by Moderator).
Little did I know he would try to steal (detail removed by Moderator) and lock them away from me as punishment for me not allowing him to treat me like a w***e and a house slave.
Trauma literally is blocking me getting therapy which I think is so unfair. Because of that coward still stalking me, because the police didn’t do their job, I’m blocked from art therapy.
Yet again, white male privelidge and male violence is controlling my life and I’ve left that fool and ignore all his efforts to contact me. I even had to change my number…while he just carries on happy he got away with all the abuse I would imagine.
But who cares what these users think… just protect yourself from them.
Never look back because the abuse only ever gets worse (detail removed by Moderator).
20th April 2022 at 4:13 pm #142268EggshellsParticipant
It does take time and repeated sets of counselling.
I think access to support varies by postcode. I was able to access support whilst I was still in the relationship and started trauma therapy almost as soon as I left even though he was still able to get to me.
I left it a some time between my first trauma therapy and my 2nd as I just wasn’t ready to process it for a while. Trauma therapy isn’t easy and often involves being re-exposed to traumatic memories but when done properly it can be really helpful.
I’ve been out a few years and whilst there are some situations that still paralyse me with fear, I have made good progress.
My advice is to take it gently and be prepared for the long haul. Don’t try to rush things. It takes time to process this stuff and to heal. xx
19th May 2022 at 4:38 pm #143921fixiusParticipant
I wish I could give you a big hug. I sympathise hugely – I got out of my relationship some time ago but as time goes on it feels like I keep uncovering new layers of damage he’s caused. It’s been so frustrating because it feels like it should get easier the more time passes, but instead I just keep seeing the relationship and abuse in clearer and clearer light – and that is progress, I know, but it means I keep getting hit by these realisations which then knock me sideways and I have to put myself back together all over again.
I’ve finally reached a point where I can actually call what he did to me rape – just like you said, I wasn’t physically forced, but I was pressured and conditioned to know how awful things would be if I said no. Finally accepting how much I was coerced into sex and god knows how many other things has really unbalanced me lately and I’m finding it hard to get back on track.
I have times where I wish I could forget it all, too – I try to hang on to the fact I’m now so much better equipped to spot and avoid someone like him again in the future. It helps to feel like the trauma has left me with armour instead of scars.
19th May 2022 at 9:20 pm #143941longjourneylifeParticipant
I want to shout and scream. We’ve been robbed of ourselves and our lives. I want to cry and collapse and give in to the trauma and just dissapear..but then there’s the children, I still must protect them. But they have scars. It’s all so unfair and we’ve been treated so immensely wrong. Just found out ex harassed and touched others, I wanted to be sick. I wasn’t surprised, but I’m scared he touched my baby girl. I can’t prove much, I suspect and worry. Police said my most traumatic and painful sexual experience wasn’t rape because I endured it and didn’t say No. I’m lost. We have to keep using our voice and standing our ground. This treatment isn’t right, it’s wrong, but we are left carrying the load, displaced, whilst they sit-in our homes. Sigh.
20th May 2022 at 10:38 am #143963LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support with what you’ve shared. I can see that you’re feeling really low and can understand why you must be concerned about your child.
If you wanted to get some further support around this, you could contact the NSPCC for guidance. They can be contacted on 0800 800 5000 (24hrs): https://www.nspcc.org.uk/
You could also raise your concerns with local children’s services.
I’m sorry that the police responded in that way to your experience. You could contact Rape Crisis for support making sense of what happened. They are a national organisation that operate local centres for women who have experienced rape or sexual abuse. They are contactable via their helpline on 0808 802 9999 (12pm-2.30pm & 7pm-9.30pm every day); they also have a live chat service (available Mon-Fri) through their website: https://rapecrisis.org.uk
Take care and keep posting,
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