28th December 2019 at 3:18 pm #94372endoftetherParticipant
My partner and I bought a house together fairly recently. I now feel I need to get out. Things were not great before I sold up my own place and moved, and I don’t know why I did it but now I think things are getting worse. He drinks to excess regularly and rarely does a day go by that he doesn’t drink something. I feel like this is the common denominator for all the issues we have but he is not remotely concerned about his drinking and shows no signs of any concern about how awful our relationship/lifestyle is. I am listing a few more details below about his behaviour. What I’m looking for is advice about whether I can go to the police even though I don’t have evidence of anything. Also can I force him to sell the house so I can buy a place of my own. I have a pet so I can’t just up sticks and go without being a bit worried about whether it will be safe. Also I am in Scotland so the law may be different from in England in some areas.
I knew him for a long time along with his wife and was surprised they were divorced. He was a loving caring person who was so reliable and dependable, working hard to support his family (now grown up). Then things started to change. I have always been supportive of him as I felt he worked so hard and then cooked dinner for his kids so I spent a lot of time at his in order to help out. I was shocked to learn that instead of appreciating my efforts and expressing gratitude he felt like I should be doing more! I took redundancy from my job to have a better quality of life and pursue my own interests, not to be an unpaid servant for no thanks.
The first time he just launched at me verbally over something trivial – I tried to explain there was a misunderstanding but he accused me of taking the p*ss financially (I have no need for anyone else’s money). I went back to my own house and had every intention of calling it a day but I went back the next day to gather more of my belongings (I had a key for his) and he hadn’t gone to work and it was the sober version that was there. Gradually his outbursts got more frequent and more nasty. On several occasions I went back to my own place to stay but I missed my pet and got really stressed and ended up going back. Partly I think I obviously missed the sober version of him too.
No matter what is said or how unreasonable he is he never apologises or shows remorse and never behaves like anything is wrong and this drives an ever increasing wedge between us and just magnifies all the other problems.
He once said that he felt I should be performing oral sex on him more frequently – not as part of a reciprocal lovemaking but just gratuitous. I told him that’s what prostitutes get paid for and I am not behaving like an unpaid prostitute. I have told him repeatedly that I sometimes feel like an unpaid prostitute and an unmarried wife and dogsbody. He doesn’t show any sign of concern or regard for how I feel and responds with complete silence. Sometimes he gets very drunk then starts trying to initiate sex and quite frequently just wants me to facilitate his ejaculation rather than a display of passion/affection/intimacy. When I refuse he will persist and if he doesn’t get his way he can give me the silent treatment for up to 3 days.
He is never happy with the amount of housework I do and I have told him I am not doing any more as I took redundancy to start a business. I have not devoted enough time/energy/effort to my business as I’ve been supporting him in the house – hence it is not bringing in enough money and I am supplementing it from my savings. He trivialises and belittles what I do, making faces and noises to indicate that it’s a bit of a joke. The work I do involves a lifestyle and daily practice and continual training and development. I have explained this to him several times but he just disregards it. The business is not going well and I think in part that is because I have been dragged down so low by his behaviour. In any case I am financially self sufficient and in no way is he paying for me, nor has he ever. I have told him that I do not answer to him – he does not pay me any money therefore I owe him nothing.
In the last(detail removed by moderator) I have gone through a couple of extremely tough times. I had to clear out my mum’s house and she was a hoarder so it was hard work. All my friends were supportive of me and he was critical that I was spending time going through everything with a fine tooth comb to preserve all the lovely memories. Then when it was clear she was about to pass on I got the silent treatment for 3 days. To this day he won’t acknowledge how bad that was or explain why. Then he would start speaking to me and expect sex on day 4!!
When I pointed out to him after a couple of months that he hadn’t once asked me how I felt after she passed, he wasn’t bothered and there was no improvement.
I actually had an appointment at Women’s Aid and they suggested that it sounded like he may be exhibiting signs of coercive control. I was convinced that he doesn’t mean any harm and doesn’t actually realise how bad he is being or how awful it makes me feel. To try and hit home to him I told him I had been to WA. He has told me that he is petrified I am going to leave and didn’t get angry but really just thought I was being a bit overly sensitive. When I told him about the behaviour at my mum’s passing he said that was (detailed removed by moderator) and didn’t understand that when no remorse is shown or apology given or any making up is done then it doesn’t just go away.
Anyway a couple of months ago he snapped about something again when he was drunk. I told him I was going to sleep in the spare room. I felt wonderful – was able to come off HRT for the anxiety I had been experiencing; woke up feeling energised and awake etc. After a couple of days he asked how long this was going on and I said until I felt issues were being acknowledged by him. Any time I try to talk to him about issues he gets irritable and doesn’t want to talk. I said we need relationship counselling but he’s not interested in that either. I have told him many times that the drinking seems to be a major factor but he’s not willing to try. He does seem to cut down a bit when we have these situations. I told him I am getting closer and closer to the door and one toe is now poking over and next move will be OUT.
I feel that time has come now as he has been grumpy and irritable since – bringing me from being on a high to having my stomach in knots with one look, feeling like I’m walking on eggshells and don’t know whether he’s in a mood or just not talking much. He’s very stressed about money himself but he hasn’t actually done anything to help himself as he wouldn’t sit down properly with me and talk about what we should do when we decided to buy the house together. He turned his nose up at my old house and actually turns his nose up at some of my possessions that I happen to like.
I want to know what will happen if I go to the police since I have no evidence. I think his sexual behaviour when he is drunk is disgusting and vile and if it weren’t for that I could stay in the house and virtually ignore him. Can I force him to sell the house we bought together? I could move away quite happily and have a retreat style of life for a month or more as a volunteer in various places. I would love to do this anyway but my pet is what is stopping me. It would be expensive and also possibly difficult for me to move somewhere with my pet.
Any practical advice would be helpful – remember I’m in Scotland 🙂
28th December 2019 at 9:16 pm #94404fizzylemParticipant
Hi and welcome to the forum. There’s a few fine wee scottish lasses on here who I am sure will respond when they see your post. I do know that there is more of a social, moral conscience in Scotland politically, thus support is much better than in England, so this is on your side.
I would suggest calling Rape Crisis and talking it through with them, they are very clear on the law and will understand fully what you describe, they are best to advise you here – as yes, strongly suspect this is coercive and controlling behaviour and therefore not fully consenting and a crime. Maybe best to start here as they can give you the support you need and assist you through the process – and help you gain the clarity you need.
You could also call Rights for Women and dicuss the legal matter regarding the house; and call WA again and get yourself a support worker from the local charity.
Time to rid yourself of this dreadful man; interesting he said you owe him financially as it sounds to me that it is you that is cushioning his life – sounds like he’s got a nice house, a cleaner, is doing nothing for it and you pay for half the cost? He is also trying to leave you feeling that you should be grateful to him isn’t he and trying to strip you of any support and confidence for your new venture; a loving, supportive partner would be keen to help you start up and succeed here. This tells me that its likely he’s in your pocket, that he owes you really and that it is him who should be feeling grateful – maybe he thinks he’s too man to admit it though? Or to ever aplogise? He’s projecting his thoughts and feelings onto you here.
He sounds like a mysogynist – meaning your role is to serve and being a man he can do as he likes – they operate covertly as they know they won’t get a woman if they don’t.
Interesting that you thought he was a good father and happily married, suprised to find they had divorced – I wonder why they divorced? Although, this perhaps now seems obvious. No one throws away a good man do they – also shows us how he is perhaps really good at protecting his public image x
2nd January 2020 at 1:25 pm #94683endoftetherParticipant
Thanks for your support/reply. I hear what you say in your last paragraph – I was never blind to the fact that there are two sides to every story. However he divorced her and there were other signs and evidence of her behaviour not being good. Anyway things have improved from within myself as I am feeling much less distressed about everything and feeling stronger to detach myself emotionally.
Things kicked off again at New Year – I was very very calm though. Next day it’s like nothing’s happened. I asked if he remembered what had been said and he came across like he felt justified about his behaviour. I told him I am done. He has nothing to say and is as sweet as pie when he is sober. Then when he is very very drunk he will start to talk – but he communicates like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show!
Thanks again so much for being there – the support has really helped me just stay calm and not react emotionally to what’s going on.
23rd January 2020 at 4:46 pm #96293PastlifeParticipant
Hi Hello-I am new
Please arm yourself with as much information about selling the house as possible. When you know how you stand legally you will have so much more confidence. If you are not happy about what is happening in your sexual relationship then you have a right to say so and to end the relationship completely. It is your life, not his, you are not there to pander to his needs. What sort of life do you want? Imagine it in detail and go for it. Believe in yourself.
23rd January 2020 at 8:57 pm #96321[email protected]Participant
Hi there I know a little bit about Scottish law as I am also here. As far as the house I know that you could get an occupation order. I’d call DV assist xx you will have evidence if you keep a back dated and to date diary off everything you’ve said above. You could ask people to make statements for you who have witnessed him in action? Check Claire’s law I bet secretly he did this to his ex. U could contact her? Get advice from the solicitor and get him out first xx don’t tell him what your planning as they can escalate the abuse so don’t risk it xx Scottish law is abit more up there than English law. Hope I’m not offending anyone but the police were great with me xx so we’re the courts tbh xx
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