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Hey, welcome. We are here to suppprt you when you’re ready, however I found it really helpful reading other posts for quite a while before I was ready to post x baby steps x
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Hello again everyone, hope your all ok. Can anyone tell me the answer to my questions please? I lost information about notifications earlier because l had to close down quick! after logging in. How do I get to see it again? When I log back in. And… just wondering…? if I post a reply to someone who has messaged me, will everyone else see it? If it isn’t a private message. I missed to reply to a couple of messages, apologies! x
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Hi there, I read fir weeks before I was able to post. Terrified someone would know who i was. Keep reading, when it’s right for you, you’ll post your story.
IWMB 💞💞 -
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It’s all about baby steps @ Hazydayz. Do what’s right for you, no one will judge or tell you what you should do unless of course you write something that could seriously harm you if you don’t act on the advice. You and only you can decide if leaving or staying for that matter is right for you. There’s a few books we recommend to each other, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by pat Craven. There’s YouTube videos which can help you too. There is love and strength and compassion here, sometimes frustration but never judgement.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
Hello Hazydayz,
Welcome! It is good to hear you are becoming more familiar with the forum and as you can see, this is a place of support and understanding. The women here will be able to relate and empathise with what you are going through so please do continue to use this as a safe space to share.
You are not alone.Best wishes,
Lisa
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Hi Freedomfries01 Thankyou, me too! I guess everyone is on the journey, has their own story to tell. I just don’t know where to begin with mine? I can see already how many of us are connected by similar experience. It’s about trying to understand how to work around the site for me first. I’m not sure how at the moment? Still learning. But great to have encouragement, many thanks x
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Hi Hazydayz
Just to let you know that you can find lots of useful information and FAQ’s about using the forum here https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/about-your-profile/survivors-forum-faqs/ hope this helps.
Take care and please keep posting
Lisa
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Good morning ladies🌄 I hope it is and will be for all of you, followed by a good day. This time of day is my favourite, I get to relax and enjoy time being me, for a while at least! Breathing in the newness of the day and feeling alive again (if that makes sense to anyone?) It’s so very refreshing! Now too, I have this lovely place to drop in and share time with all you lovelies when I can. Your all such great support to each other and to me! See you again soon x
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Welcome Hazydayz 😊
If you post on a normal thread then all can read it…..only private messages are private.
Lisa is pretty good at protecting us from giving too much information that might identify us but it’s worth thinking about identifying factors as you type.
You never have to share anything that you’re not ready too and there’s never any pressure to get involved…..dip in and out as you need to. If you private message someone and they don’t reply please don’t take it personally, they may have decided to take a break or are not in a place to be able to engage.
I guess we can be a little protective over each other and on rare occasions members will step in if they think something is amiss. I’ve only seen it twice in a year and I consider myself a newbie. This has been a safe and supportive space for me and owe a lot to the wonderful women on here.
We’re here for you x
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Here I am again, It’s been just over a week since joining, no time at all really. I haven’t done what I thought I would, ask for understanding of what’s happened/happening to my life? Advice and all that would help me? I will have to ask for help, l know I will. There are so many times I’ve come close, last night was one of them. I remembered the warm welcome and advice offered when I posted and again I’m reading what’s happening & happened to so many of you, including me. It helps to understand but it’s upsetting too. Sending out love to you all💕
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Hi Hazydayz, its an awful learning curve but hopefully one we do learn from. Have you looked up the stages of grief yet, they are the same we go through when we leave our partners. Help is out there, there are so many lovely people willing and able to help us. It blew me away how kind total strangers were. At the end of the day, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to or aren’t ready to do. Noone will force you at all. It’s always you in the driving seat.
You’ve came a long way in a week, think house much more you’ll know in another and another.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞-
Hi again Iwantmeback. Thanks for your reply, it’s lovely to see it here. How you doing? well I hope. Oh… before I forget I wanted to say last time you contacted me as a welcome and then too kindly offering me advice… I do so relate to your user name, think we all do here, don’t we. Anyway, well done for having the clarity to think of it. Sadly, I guess that thoughts in us all most of the time isn’t it. My mind’s a bit hazy these days as my username suggests but thanks to you and all the great advice I read on here it’s becoming clearer and yes this first week has made all the difference. The problem with me is I want to arm myself with all the knowledge I need now, and it’s frustrating only being able to safely dip in and out for limited time. Your right of course the next week and all that follow will be beneficial and I’m taking note of things to read, secretly! I have read the stages of grief but not for this situation. I lived that nightmare sadly,losing my mum unexpectedly some years ago. I don’t see it relating to me now in this but my heart goes out to you if it was your experience? I do see you on many threads and I know you know your stuff, so just want to say today…thanks for your thought your knowledge and encouragement. Your amazing! Best wishes to you too💞
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Morning. I learnt something yesterday that I was surprised to read. Abuse and the stages of grief. I want to say…I stand corrected. I couldn’t correlate the two in my own experience? but you have again enlightened me with your knowledge, thankyou. If only I could learn how to consistently be able to read new messages and notifications, when I log on? Today I somehow can’t? I can see there’s a reply but? If I can figure this? I will get back to you. Many thanks.
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Hazydayz, I tend to just read the topics, that way when there’s new replies it moves up to the top. Don’t worry about being hazy,par for the course, if I don’t write down what ive read or even if I see a programme on tv I’d like to watch, i set myself a reminder, cos i forget i wanted to see it. I used to think it was becsuse it wasn’t important enough at the end of the day, I now know, it’s because my short term memory is rubbish. You’re doing so well, have you written down what you’ve managed to achieve yet on your own, even if it’s asking someone else to do it. The fact we’ve done that without repercussions is a milestone imo😊 keep a wee notebook beside you fir when you’re on the forum or in the notes part of your phone if physical book is too dangerous, note the title send if you wrote anything that you’re looking fir a reply too. It’ll be a easy to retrain your brain as well.
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Hi, I am new to this too. I have been in a domestic abuse marriage for (detail removed by moderator) and was wondering if anyone else has been in one and is it possible to leave?
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Hello Spirit and welcome. Thankyou for adding to my thread, hope I can be of some help to you as you see I’m new here like yourself and still finding my way around but have found lots of help and support on offer, and I hope you will too, and the answer to your question. Although many will highlight the complexities of leaving as you will no doubt find, I have read many success stories. The ladies are all amazing sharing their experiences and are great sources of information for us newbies. I have been reading everything I could when I can, trying to identify anyone with a similar story to mine? So many to read! Haven’t found an exact match but I can relate to all. I haven’t yet shared my story, don’t think I’ve yet worked out how to start? also it’s only been a little over a week since I became a member of this sanctuary. Just being able to come and go is enough for me for now, after years of trying to make sense of domestic violence it’s a blessing having this supportive space to escape to for a while. I’m sorry to read It’s been 24 years you have suffered, long time, isn’t it. Don’t lose hope x
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Hey Spirit, I left after a similar length of time and I have a wonderful happy life now free from abuse. I do still suffer with left over trauma from the abuse but I’m coping really well. Many many women leave abusive relationships. It’s not easy but it can be done safely with help from women’s aid. Give the national domestic abuse helpline a call x
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Hi, thank you for your replys. I too wouldn’t know where to start with my story as its been so long. I didn’t even realise I was in a Domestic Violence marriage for years, its only been the past (detail removed by moderator) years I’ve realised. I can’t quite believe I didn’t know before. He was awful from the start really but because I was so young and had lots of personal issues going on I must have just thought it was normal and accepted it.
It has been so awful for do long now I find that I think the only way out is to end my life. I have (detail removed by moderator) children and its the thought of leaving them that stops me. I just can’t see a way out.
My close friends know about the situation and tell me to leave but I have no where to go and no money. I feel they are getting fed up of the phone calls now and disinterested with it all.
I feel so so alone.
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Contact your local women’s aid for support. Talk to a solicitor. Most offer free initial advice. When you know what you’re entitled to it may make you change your mind. I frequently thought about ending my life. I was depressed. The abuse caused my depression. I was a case of learned helplessness And couldn’t see a way out but there is a way out. Slowly build that support network of women’s aid, family, friends etc. You can do it. You can show your kids that you’re worth more than an abusive relationship x
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Hello again Spirit, I’m going to wish you a good morning☀️and send lots of love to you💕 I really hope you feel it. please don’t think that you have no other option to find yourself out of this unhappiness.There is hope! Keep it in your mind that you found your way to this safe and caring sanctuary, where many care about you and about what you are going through. We understand! I see that KIP has responded to you offering hope, her own experience and very positive advice. All good! Important if you are seriously thinking of ending your life? Please don’t do that to yourself or your children. If you just want to unload little and often for now (if it helps), that’s good too. I was given this advice and I think it might be helpful for you if you need to get everything out. You don’t have to feel anymore that you are alone, have no friends to talk to who undertand. Thankyou💐 for sharing with us here, and telling some of what you felt you need to. Please stay safe! After so much time, it is very difficult isn’t it, but Hey! You made a start so very well done💞 In your own time, anytime your able to safely, dip in and out like me and find friends here. Help you to feel, you are never alone here and always always welcome. realising this is the greatest hope for us to cope, learn and find answers to a better life. Take care & bye for now x
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Hello. I’m a new member too. Don’t really know where to start! I’m in a very bad place as it is ait is all very raw. I just want all the hurt and pain to go away! My husband has been having an affair with someone half his age. To cut a long story short, it ended in a horrible violent attack. I am safe now but I am really struggling to come to terms with it.
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Hello and welcome Deepblue. Oh bless you, I’m sending a big warm hug to you. It’s so sad reading what’s happened and how your feeling, my heart goes out to you💕 I can imagine what your going through, how your feeling now, You have suffered an unexpected shock and assault by the sounds of it. It’s understandable you want to be free of all the pain and emotions you’re suffering right now. I hope any physical injuries? are healing, and the psychological pain lessening with the help and support in your safe place. Be gentle on yourself, betrayal really hurts and it’s going to take time to recover from the damage it does. Especially, if its after many years of induring an unhappy situation? The ladies here will help to support you x
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Thankyou KIP and Hazydayz for your replys. It does mean a lot to know I can message people who understand. I am having a very very bad day. I would normally phone a close friend but they seem very fed up of my situation now and just tell me to leave. I do feel like no one really understands or cares. A few friends haven’t messaged at all to see how I’m managing in lock down in my abusive marriage. I do put on a front and to the outside I look happy. But I feel like I’m at breaking point. I feel too low and worn down to keep going. He has destroyed me. I don’t know how to feel happy anymore. I’m scared to tell the Dr, I just pretend thing’s are ok and normal. I don’t know where to start. It’s such a long complicated history of abuse. I feel I’ve normalised it all. I feel broken.
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Hi Spirit. I’m having one of those days again too. I can’t stay on here for too long as it’s a bit risky but I want to send you a big warm hug and let you know your being heard. I know it’s not like being able to get feedback from a friend at the end of the phone and having to wait and hope for a reply can feel isolating but just keep posting that’s all you have to do when it’s safe to? Someone here WILL get back to you. If your friends are not there for you when you need them or understand how difficult it really is for you we always will here. Your hurting that’s very obvious, feeling let down and unsure of trusting anyone yeah? That’s understandable. Just keep posting anytime you need to, slowly we can all begin to make sense of it all. Me too. It’s going to take time but we will get to a happier place with help and support. Please believe that. Be inTouch again very soon, bye for now 💞
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Thank you Hazydayz, it really does mean a lot to know I have this safe place and people will listen and understand. 🙂
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Hi again Spirit. Good isn’t it🤗 coming here and spending time amongst new friends. Every time I come here I think WOW! How very lucky we all are to have each other. I can tell you, if it helps? I lost all my friends and most of my family due to my relationship, I too know how lonely it feels having no-one to talk to at times. Until next time x
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Hi there Spirit, we’ve not chatted yet, so want to welcome you to the forum, we recommend why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft too. Mind games is another one, the body knows or keeps the score, I’ve downloaded that one but not got quite into it yet. Look what you made me do by Helena walmsley Johnston. She worked for the NHS for 10 years, she was bullied by her bosses in the position she held before becoming a journalist, she’s also written the invisible years, which is a look at how women aren’t seen between the ages of 40-65, in the workplace and in society in general. The women who run with wolves is a look at how as we’ve become more modern, we’ve forgotten the old ways. I found when I started looking fir reading material, once I found a few, others naturally took their place.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
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Hi, thank you Eggshells and Iwantmeback for your replies. I am going to get a friend to order me a few of those books.
Eggshells, did you suddenly realise you were in an abusive relationship or was it gradual? I just can’t believe I didn’t see it for all those years. Ni knew it wasn’t right but I was in a bad place with other issues and I must have normalised it all. Looking back it is clear that it was abusive from the start and I feel do silly that I didn’t see it. Also why didn’t my friends and family intervene??? Some friends say now they could see it then. I do feel so trapped by it all. And angry that I have put up with this for all these years. I would be devestated if I knew a friend of mine had lived like this. I struggle to see how I can recover. -
Hi Spirit. It was quite sudden really and the most trivial of things that’s made me see I think in the end. Once I knew it took a few weeks before I can to the conclusion that I had to leave.
I know what you mean about feeling stupid. I went through the most horrendous emotional abuse, coercive control, rapes and my son suffered violent attacks when he was still very young and I still didn’t get that it was abuse. But we normalise it all to protect us from the trauma.
TBH no-one knew what was going on, I didn’t even tell the people I was closest to so deep down I guess I did know that it wasn’t normal but I just couldn’t connect with that. And even if I had told someone and they told me it was abuse, I don’t think I would have believed it.
I was raised by an abusive mother so being treated this way was normal for me. I just didn’t know any differently.
I think people can recover but idk, it may be a lifelong journey. But then life itself is a journey, you just have to embrace each and every stage of your recovery and celebrate each step forward. It’s all still comparatively new to me, I’m at the early stages of the journey. I’ve recently started trauma therapy with PTSD and it is hard but on the whole, I’d say I’m happier now than I’ve ever been, despite the scars.
Our scars, whether physical or emotional are part of us. What’s more important than our scars are the people we we blossom into when we are free from abuse.
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please help, I need to feel some support as I don’t have any out of here and I am struggling! I joined for this reason and to make sense of it all and where I go from here? I couldn’t put into words what I needed to. I’m going to start with… This isn’t going to be easy and I need to do a bit at a time. I am afraid. I have identified in myself a fear of being completely alone in the future. Even though, I am living in an unstable marriage suffering from regular bursts of domestic violence. I’m taking the advice offered, reading and learning how to understand how to survive the situation (thankyou ladies)💐 (Detail removed by moderator) I was assessed as showing markers for cPTSD. Everything makes painful sense now though there’s no help yet? So you see, I am struggling now also with coming to terms with what doors were unlocked for me during this time of lockdown. That’s all I can say for now x
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Hi there,
So sorry to read you are struggling. Without knowing more about your personal situation maybe I can help support you a little with telling you about mine and how I got out.
I too was in a very unhealthy and unhappy relationship. I had one child who was (detail removed by moderator), but the abuse was happening before I was pregnant and throughout my pregnancy. I was also afraid of being alone and my partner told me that no one else would want me; he then listed all of my ‘faults’ to confirm why. He made me believe I’d be on my own forever.
We had a beautiful home. It was like a show home, but no one could come round and just drop by. My family could only come by appointment (so that he could arrange to not be there, then they were only allowed for 2 hours maximum as he was not going to be forced to be away from HIS home for more than 2 hours). Friends could not just call in as it was always ‘inconvenient’. My beautiful home became my prison.
After (detail removed by moderator) of misery I did leave him. Ours was quite a unique case (which I’ve not yet come across on here), but in the end, I went to live in a refuge. I left everything behind and moved with my child and one suitcase. That time was probably the hardest time of my life, because I really was alone, but it turned out to be the best thing I did.
I would NEVER have got through my situation without the support of DA Support Staff and the other doors of support that opened for me. I got group counselling, one to one counselling, and I got educated! For the first time in my life I actually got a professional input on what domestic abuse was and how it worked. I also learned a lot about myself, and how I thought that in order to be ‘happy’ I needed to be in a relationship. My needs to be in a relationship made me stay with men that were unsuitable and not compatible for me. I got educated how to choose a new partner through the group courses I went on. This information enabled me to change my life and my future decisions. I am a completely different woman today than the one I was all those years ago. Domestic Abuse changed me for sure. My partner changed me for the worse, the help I took to leave him changed me for the better. The journey was a long one and a hard one, but it was worth it.
You are on the first steps of your journey. I remember how hard it is to be there, but I am proof that with the right support and help you can become the person you want to be and live the life you want to lead.
My home now is an open home. Friends and family can come when they want to. Friends can knock my door and say they were just passing and wondered if I was in for a coffee and a chat. I can answer my door without fear and welcome them in without fear. I am currently single and happy to be so. I can live quite successfully as a single, independent woman. I will have a man in my life if he complements it. If he complicates it he has to go!
Believe in yourself and go for what you want. Your confidence will come back bit by bit as you make each step of your journey.
Start it today x
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Hello again Want to help. If your reading this today? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to come across as being ungrateful, uncaring or dismissive (if I did?) of the help you offered me in your reply to my 1st post yesterday. I really did and do appreciate your trying to help me. I wanted to send a thankyou to you as soon as I read your reply and I also really felt compelled to write more than I did, to Show empathy to you and some understanding. Certainly, a most genuine and heartfelt sympathy offering for what you had endured and sincere congratulations to you for changeing your life. Also, because I forgot, another thankyou💐 for sharing your experience with me. Sadly, I made the mistake of not explaining It was a very difficult time to write anything more because of the danger of being seen. Also, because of where my mind was then. I should have left replying untill it was safer and easier for me to do, I realise that now. I could have taken a cue from what you wrote and maybe? been able to offer an extended account of my situation as I haven’t yet. At the time of posting, I wasn’t thinking clearly about what I was going to say to anyone? If I had a reply? I felt I had no right to ask for help really as everyone has been so kind welcoming me and offering advice to cope with things they have suffered and are also still suffering. I feel guilty! I can’t get past it. I apologise to anyone I may have offended? I haven’t shared much yet about myself I don’t think? though I want to. Help others as well hopefully? I am trying. 💞
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Hazydayz,
thank you and bless you, but no need to apologise at all 🙂 I was not offended in the least and fully understand that things are difficult for you, please do not feel you have to justify yourself to me or anyone else on here.
I hope that today is a better day for you and things are becoming clearer for you to make decisions x
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I have learnt again that when I felt most vulnerable and desperate for support I still trust in humanity, despite having learnt the hard way through experience, as no doubt many of you here can relate. If just one person offers a hand to help me rise from my knees then I am blessed and renewed in my faith to continue to believe in hope. To anyone reading this finding themselves reaching out, looking for comfort in their darkest moments, someone will see you and respond; mercifully. Bless caring hearts💞. Lisa too, is as good as her word, always there.
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Hello again. I don’t know if anyone is reading this? I think the activity on this thread may have decreased? I check in daily, see “what’s new”? In this space,nothing? No visitors except me. Being a very newbie, I’m asking myself… is this how it works? If someones thread becomes too long (mine?)to get to the bottom to read latest added posts, it’s off putting? I have seen some longer threads but at the same time some suddenly appear to have come to a halt? No more visitors?🤔 I have a couple of thoughts… Maybe, I frightened people off? With my most recent posts (desperate sounding at the time!) I read it myself again and thought… who wants to have to deal with that eh? A lot of us maybe trying not to see it, feel it! Me… I’ve been trying to hide from that stuff for ever it seems. Not show the pain! Then… I opened up a bit, my can of worms! It was frightening at the time, I couldn’t get the lid back on for a while, but it’s all contained again; For now anyway! So if anyone is reading this? I hope it helps you? I’m new here, I’m learning, about myself as well! It’s easier to support someone else sometimes.
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Hi Hazydays
Welcome, how it works with the threads you just select a forum then write your post, your thoughts. Sometimes you get a response sometimes not. The idea is to let it out as it’s very helpful. Those who can relate to your post will reply. Sometimes it is too complex to respond or unable to relate or too triggering so you don’t get a response. That’s all fine, we are free to choose what to do here 🙂
You are also allowed to reply to other people’s post, if you like, it took me a few months to notice that’s what others do.
You are also allowed to start a new thread if you wish to share your thoughts on an different topic. You can find the different forums [general discussion] or [positive moments] etc
All in all this place is for you, to feel supported and validated.
Hope this helps a little, take good care & keep posting 💕 -
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Hi Hazydayz, you can always start a new topic or just reply to someone else’s. I find weekends are quieter for people to post, so please don’t take anything personally. I found naming a new topic hard in the beginning but you can leave that outcome until you’ve written your post and then the title usually comes to you. You’re doing really well, we’re naturally so very nervous but even writing on here is a confidence booster. Don’t be disheartened if you don’t get any replies either, as HLJ said some topics don’t resonate with others or they go and think on them fir a bit before replying. I find I’m ever so mindful of people’s time now. It was something @wanttohelp posted about Howe her partner found it rude when she was on the phone to others. Such a lightbulb moment for me, my oh acted the same and also had a habit of trying to distract in a sexual way if I was on the phone to long. Why i thought that was okay in the beginning is beyond me🤨
Have the best weekend you can. Ìm in moving hell at the moment, don’t know whether to laugh or cry. There’s so much stuff around me, I don’t know where to start, so I made a cup of fruit tea s and came on here to calm me down. Upside is, its my own house now and ive my dog with me, something I wasn’t allowed in the refuge accommodation, though I’ve since found out that they do have some properties that allow pets but not many. She’s lying beside me all cooried in.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞-
Hey Iwantmeback😀 just got to wish you and your lassie every happiness back together again and in your new home 🏡🐾 Hope by the time you find this your feeling happy calm and sorted a bit, relaxing on your sofa with your doggie, dreaming of happy times and walkies to come. Enjoying exciting plans for your new life and home. I wish you well and I hope I can drop in on you for a chat sometime see how your doing? If you find time to reply it would be lovely to hear back from you. Good luck to you and happy days!
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Hi again. Thankyou both! Points noted👍 I have been thinking about starting a new topic, circulating a bit more, Start some General conversation, get away from things for a time, have some fun! Let’s get the party started! If anyone is interested you know where to find me. I can usually find something alternative to talk about, entertain myself and others for a while, maybe? Hopefully! I’m going to think of it as taking a vacation from myself, if you know what I mean? But I’ll look in here, see if I got mail? Send out my replies, help anyone I can? There’s a few things more to say and do before I wonder off to pastures new…thank you all for being here, for helping too, for dropping in and being you. See you x
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