Hello, I’m new here. Struggling with trauma bond.

[SadMoth]

Hello,

I’m writing here as I feel broken. I don’t really know what to do anymore, I have just left an abusive relationship of many years. I feel broken after it, like I will never be the same again. We share a child, and I’m crippled with sadness that I will never truly be able to get away. I worry that he will treat our child like he has treated everyone else. I am heartbroken at being discarded and treated like I matter so little after all the years and tears I cried. My mind feels all messed up. I have never hated someone yet loved them so much. I miss him, I desperately want him to text me, going no contact feels like I’m coming off a drug. Previous to this relationship I was in a very healthy one. It was amazing. We broke up amicably, and are still friends. But I never felt like this, the dreadful pull to make contact, and feeling like I am being ripped to pieces when I don’t. I try to do stuff to keep busy, but everything reminds me of him and I get no joy from anything. Just memories. Why do I feel like I want to die, rather than live without someone who spoke and messed with me so badly, who made me cry so many tears and got joy from it? Sometimes when he had made me break down, all I would want was for him to comfort me from the things he had done. Currently feeling like there is no way out, that I want to give up. Do trauma bonds ever truly go away? Mine feels like it gets stronger and I never stop missing him.

[Lisa]

Hi SadMoth,

Thank you for sharing with us and welcome to the forum. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand how you are feeling and what you have experienced. Your feelings are very natural after being in an abusive relationship- you are not alone in how you are feeling.

I am pleased you have reached out for support this evening; I hope it has helped you to offload your thoughts to us. If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our online Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

There is support for you, keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Shocknawe]

Hi SadMoth – yes, trauma bonds do go away. I know at the moment it feels like you are going through withdrawals and it’s bigger than you but once you pass the “cold turkey” somehow the bond breaks and you realise that the need to go back for more abuse is not there. Concentrate on yourself doing things that you really enjoy or used to enjoy or do nothing – just let the feelings pass and it will. I have been there, where you are now and also thinking that I would not be able to overcome the feeling of contacting him – but somehow the feeling passed and I am managing to go no contact. Sending you hugs and strength.

[Bee1]

Trauma bonds do indeed dissipate.

I felt like I just read my story Sadmoth,
I was exactly the very same afterwards.
I didn’t want to go no contact but I did,a tough decision.
The realisation of it all in the end, for me was a massive shock at the extent of what I’d seen, put up with, excuses and forgave repeatedly, it is a lot to deal with in the aftermath.

So take the necessary Time,
have patience with the healing, and nurturing you is all important now. Recognise your emotions, and know that they will pass.

Don’t forget to breathe…
Take time to slow it down.
💓🙏🏼💓

[Author]

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