Hello, Im new here

[fidget12]

Hello to all of you . I just feel the need to write something down .
I have been in a relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years which has become increasingly bad. He is jealous of everybody i speak to ,accuses me of having affairs , even with his best friend. I go to work with older ladies one day a week and thats when Im having an affair ( one of many!) . He accuses me of talking to men online …I have an online (detail removed by moderator) business.  So i am taliking to customers. i am not allowed to the gym, he accused me of an affair with a tutor when I went to college ( which ) I had to give up. I cant go to evening classes…..the list goes on and on. Meanwhile , he is on coke , and goes on horrible, paranoid, terrifying all night binges in the house ( my fault) He is on dating sites (detail removed by moderator), talks about horrible things during unwanted advances.. he takes his phone and tablet to the toilet . He does whatever he wants and attempts to justify it all. I am at the very beginning of trying to get away safely , I understand what is happening to me , but the mental beating has destroyed any confidence I ever had and I live in fear , of the unknown and the known. I am mentally distancing myself from this person, and keep telling myself that I will be strong enough, I will.
I think it takes time to come to a complete understanding , get past the shame of putting up with it for so long , feel that I might be able to get on, look forward to a life alone and in peace.
I try to think of it like this , if I think I cant survive on my own financially or otherwise without this person …what would I do if he passed away ? I would have to get on with it , there would be nothing else for it . So in my head I will be attending a funeral of a relationship , grieve for my time …and pick myself up and walk on .

[bunsandcakes]

Im so sorry you are in this horrible painful distressing situation. He sounds as if he controls every aspect of your life so you cannot be your own person. It is his insecurities and behaviour that is wrong, do not let yourself feel like you are worhtless or beaten down by the emotional abuse. I am in a similar situ.. no affair talk and he does not do coke but he drinks a lot. I let myself get so beaten down by it, emotionally, that I didnt realise that it was even happening for a loooooong time. Keep talking, it has helped me a great deal.

[fidget12]

hello Bunsandcake , and thank you for replying . It is horrible and distressing , I fell asleep there for a bit ( really bad night and morning ) And he was in my dreams ! Cant get away . I am trying so hard to keep a positive outlook ,but its really hard . I keep thinking if I take just this one little step it will help , but he seems to have permeated every part of my life, my thoughts are always trying to be one step ahead of him , to protect myself , but i know thats not going to matter . The accusations are always there , from the idiotic to the ridiculous, he makes me sit while he goes through my computer misinterpretating everything as a potential dalliance ( e.g a message from a gem supplier) , . I really want to find the person I was , apparently I am worthless, nobody will ‘take me on’ , he is the best man that I have ever had ( his words). I could lift all of his behaviour straight out of a book , but there is so much worse with the cocaine , If that is meant to be a recreational drug, its not any party I want to be at. I hope you are able to find peace and are ok , I do think its good to write , it somehow makes things real and lets me look fro the outside in. This is no life to lead , my daughter sees it , my friend ( who I met quickly one evening when he was away at work) saw it. all in my face , stress ,fear, jumpiness …. its horrible . I know this is a long road and so glad to have found this forum . thank you

[Animallover]

There does seem to be more men out there like this than I thought. Imagined the extreme jealously thing was just him. He often accuses me of wanting/having an affair of wanting someone else. Can’t even look another man in the eye without him thinking I fancy them. He has even accused me of having affairs with his two adult sons when they come back from university. This is ridiculous as I look at them as my sons too. Found that most disturbing and distressing. my son had a friend round to play the other day and I was talking to the boy and my partner asked if he should be worried that I was talking to him! Know I can’t say their ages but they are at school! What does he think I am. He also is secretive of his phone even though he’s had an affair on and off for several years and I’ve seen the texts and photos they sent to each other even on mothers day when I was taking his parents home. It’s mainly drink with him but I think he’s got an addictive personality. Have talked to his parents today (the only people I have left) and his mum blames herself.

[fidget12]

Hi Animallover , The jealousy thing is awful, If I dont answer the phone immediately , Im having an affair.
it got to the point I take me phone to the wee shop …just in case . He phoned one day as I was walking past a busker , ‘What bar are you in ‘ . also women shouldnt go to bars with their friends ( chance would be a fine thing) because they are there to pick up men. He says to me I can see my friends anytime he is not stopping me. But the one time I did , he called 12 or 15 times , demanded to know where i was , who was near and then drove to his friends house in the same town after an excessive amount of coke . he phoned from there and pretended to be the said friend, because I answered this call, from HIS own phone I am now having an affair with the friend. It has been a long ,slow chipping away at my confidence, self esteem and sense of self worth. So why the jealousy if I am an untouchable . I wish I coud make sense of it , but i get annoyed at the amount of time and energy I spend trying to get into the mind of what is essentially a psychopath. There is nothing I can do to stop this , except get out . And get as safe as I can . but the depression creeps in and I feel immobolised by it . A vicious cycle , and one of the most challenging things I have ever had to face. ( I have a severely disabled son, so I have things to measure this against ) People think its easy just to move on, but the damage runs fairly deep and the scars are there. Thanks animallover for replying , and I hope things get better for you

[Animallover]

Hi just hope that talking about it helps. It had done with me. I have no friends any more and dont talk to my family either. I get very lonely and depressed but he can’t understand that. He goes to work and talks to who he likes. Without getting into detail he had cheated on all his previous partners, mostly with work colleagues so why can’t he see this upsets me. The one he saw while with me, he says it’s over but who knows, she was at his work while he was with his previous partner and it carried on till recently. His only excuse was they had history! I don’t know how to deal with this any more. Imagine how me doing ( detail removed by moderator) gone down! I hope that you can sort out things but I know just having others in the same position doesn’t make me feel so alone

[Animallover]

Try to keep your friends as eventually I lost all of mine and would think it really important that you have someone to talk to especially with the added stress of a disabled child. It must be tough. Hope you can talk to them although I feel sometimes it’s better to send messages like this than talk face to face and am not sure if anyone else understands how bad things can get

[fidget12]

Thanks again , Im glad I found this forum , and it does help to talk , I very rarely see any friends , I used to have a few , but I know nobody at all in this town. I think opening up does help and in this anonymous way , I have cried a lot today , but I can type while Im crying , I cant speak. I would never have thought that hings could have got this bad , there was always a little inkling of hope for the relationship. I think he has sensed my mental pulling away and this has just made everything 10 times more dangerous , I think he is out to destroy me , one way or another. He had a big breakdown last week and swore off the cocaine and he understood how bad he had been, Next day everything fine, until he went to get more coke . and then stayed up all night on my computer analysing everything. he knows I have mentally gone, all he has to do now is make sure Im made out to be the huge problem and financially destroy me. He has told his friends /family about all my affairs . ( I wonder where I get the time ) Sorry I am not trying t make light its just it helps me from plunging headlong into darkness. He has started planting seeds in their heads as well that Im an alcoholic … the stage is being set

[Animallover]

You are not making anything seem worse than it is. Think if you can you should ring the helpline and tell them everything he is doing. I don’t know much about drugs apart from alcohol so don’t want to say anything out of turn. Mine has just gone off in bad mood as he took his phone for dog walk and made out that I was paranoid even though he was the one sexting another woman and arranging meetings with her. He says I treat him like a child but that’s how he behaves. Let me know how you get on tomorrow as it’s now difficult to talk. I’ll be thinking of you. Not that that helps much

[fidget12]

It helps a lot , thank you . And I will be thinking of you too . Take care

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