Hello, it’s been a while…

[Hazydayz]

Hello, it’s been a while since I posted on new topics. WARNING! It’s a long one again.(😄) But written seriously. I don’t know if anyone else feels like this ever? But, I thought I’d share this… In my hope of finding help in my time here, I’ve opened up so much in my time. I’ve let my pain be seen. As so many others here do I know. But, I can’t escape the feeling sometimes, that… what was kept buried so deep, I’ve let escape? I’ve had to acknowledge, that which I didn’t want to? But had to! In the desperate hope of finding help. Some might question why would you feel like that? My answer would be… I guess? I fought so so long not to have to reveal my pain. The early stuff, Probably right back as far as childhood! (Like so many others here, I don’t doubt) Was being crushed under the weight of everything else piling on top of that which I had tried to lock away, (my learnt childhood coping mechanism?) and now, I can’t find anymore room to store away? I am finally…Having to start to, acknowledge my own pain. To myself, by the action of writing it here, In those desperate moments of feeling I need someone to understand? To hopefully? Help me. I attempted to offload what I could manage, what was a small part of what I carried inside. Opening up and talking about my suffering was alien to me before, I didn’t ever think anyone cared, I learnt this a long time ago…you just have to get on with it. But, Sometimes, my hope of finding help here? is so desperate. I had to open up. I placed my hope and faith in this forum, holding tight to the belief of finding help for myself, somehow? Feeling hopeful at those times but later, disappointed at feeling…some of the dangerous toxic poison held safely back inside…is out now! for me to see and strangers who don’t know me to see also. It couldn’t hurt me? but it did! and still does! Seeing my threads, reading my pain, seeing no replies sometimes, no help! Other times, lovely people, who are hurt people too, stretching out to take my hand or send a virtual hug, thankyou🤗 I just want to acknowledge…like others here Possibly? (Maybe help them somehow?) I have feared, letting out buried pain, for what help may not come? In the form of no reply to my cries for help Or maybe? worse! replies that Seemingly to me, in my lowest moments, don’t come because people here might think I’m an idiot for writing the stuff I do. Though I know here, we are all free to unload, and so many have exposed their pain before me and will after me, there is so much pain! that people are suffering, I acknowledge this. Some people have nothing left to give it feels, each of us struggling. But, I really have feared? do people judge me and think to themselves secretly, I have no self respect? with no feelings left to be hurt? This has resulted in my feeling … I need to shut up? But, I cannot push that stuff I wish I hadn’t said, back in its box. The place that I kept it locked away for so long. I can’t help but feel still, back then, before I let things out, I was able to at least not give birth to the pain. Give it life? Recognition? I know that might sound strange? But I remember feeling that, so long as I kept my pain tightly bound up and pushed to the back of my mind, I didn’t have to see it, acknowledge it, (feel humiliated? Judged?) I had less stuff to deal with long ago now it seems and legs that could run fast back then. I could just keep running away from what I wanted to get away from, I thought! Anyway folks, I’m aware that it might be helpful to others to read what I’ve written today? maybe? something I’ve written has or will? help someone here, to identify with something? their own pain? Good luck to you in your personal journeys 💞

[nbumblebee]

Wow what an incredable post.
Im struggling so much feel so lost so alone so scared and done Im done I feel like i cant fight anymore. Your post is amazing your honesty your strength your words the roar emotions gosh just wow thats all ive got wow ❤❤❤❤

[Whyohwhy]

I hear you. I had a counselling assessment today and to hear someone validate that I have been through so much in my life, not just domestic abuse but a lot of baggage. I am a bit worried that my brain is deleting too much of the bad stuff that I need to remember to keep me safe in the future. I sometimes pass posts by because I either don’t have time to respond or my own lack of self worth makes me feel that I have nothing of value to say. I wish this forum had some buttons we could click to show that we have read and sympathise with a post (a bit like the reactions on Facebook, but maybe just one). That way people will know they are being heard. I know when I was with my ex I wouldn’t have had much time to respond to anyone as he didn’t like me using my phone. It’s hard to get your story out because of the safety moderation which can be frustrating as some of us have such unique situations that it would be difficult to write without giving away identifying information. Don’t get me wrong this forum and the people are great but it does have its limitations. With so many face to face support groups no longer running because of COVID this is all a lot of us have.
Keep posting, you never know who is reading and who needs to hear what you have to say even if nobody responds you may still have been heard.

[Lisa]

Thank you for sharing this Hazydayz. Posting on the forum can be incredibly exposing and can make us feel very vulnerable. It can be difficult to feel dismissed or unheard and this potentially also brings back familiar feelings from living in an abusive relationship.

I’m glad to hear that the forum has helped in some ways also, the community was created for women to connect with others who have some idea what they are going through, I’m sure your posts have reached, and had an impact, on more people than you know.

Take care and thank you for continuing to share these things with us.
Lisa

[Imagesha]

Hi Hazydayz 💞
I am really happy to hear from you, it’s been a while. And I haven’t been on the forum much, later. And in general.
Part because in some ways, it hurts. I’m not sure how to explain this. It’s probably as Whyohwhy says, it’s the limitations a forum has. The moderation and everything. There is a limit on how much close you can get to your peers. On how much connection you can get. And it has to be like this. If there was too much information or sharing it would be extremely dangerous.
Also, he, they… they are behind your shoulder. Sometimes you just can’t log in and engage. These days I barely manage to do some work, trying to save for the “great escape”…. and there he comes home. And it’s all over for the day. The acting and eggshell walking begins.
So, yeah. Several reasons, several things.
A big big hug!

[Hazydayz]

Hi Imagesha. Thankyou and it’s good to hear from you too. How are you doing? Allowing for everything that might be going on of course! Hope today is a better day for you? Yes, I’m back here at the moment and was cheerfully surprised to see you here on my thread, I was literally about to log off! Time to get back to it! I hope your finding extra strength being here this morning and sorting some inner feelings? Your absolutely right about everything you explained, I know it’s difficult isn’t it. Anyway, sadly, I have to go now but will look out for you again. Take good care of yourself,big hug to you too, stay safe x

[Imagesha]

I’m doing better 🙂 sneakily digging my escape tunnel. It’s difficult but I’ve started to be better at taking every possible chance to do some work and put some money away.
It feels like the need to be a loyal and sincere person is switching off, a bit at a time. Well, his definition of loyalty. I’m sneaking and lying my way out of his claws. XX

[Hazydayz]

Best of luck to you x

[Author]

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