Hello! New to here…

[Chocolatebar]

Hello everyone. I have finally plucked up courage to join on here. I was very reluctant to do so before as I felt my circumstances sound very minor to what a lot of you poor people are going through.
I will try and be brief but basically, I have been married a long time, children are now adults and one still lives at home. Throughout their childhood my husband has never shown any affection, sympathy, empathy or any of the ‘normal things’ you would expect a father to show towards his own children and wife. He can never show he is pleased for any of us with anything we may achieve …there is a huge amount of negativity around him and as the years have gone on I feel every ounce of life has been sucked out of me. Any communication we have involves him raising his voice in an aggressive tone and reducing me to a quivering wreck. He has in the past looked through my personal belongings but even then I was too scared to confront him. He has not been physically abusive and I can’t understand why I feel so weak and scared. I never feel relaxed and I’m permanently on edge. I don’t feel I’m explaining the situation very well to you all but the feeling of drowning is horrendous.
I saw a solicitor a few years ago for advice but my husband found out but even that didn’t make him realise how bad things are.
There is no doubt in my mind that I want to leave, my biggest fears are telling him and feeling very guilty leaving my son to ‘deal’ with him.
I’ve stopped talking to friends about this as their reaction is understandably, it can’t be that bad if i’m still there. I have seen a counsellor who said he is n**********c.
So sorry for my ramblings ….when I read it back, it sounds like I’m making a fuss about nothing.

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. I’m sorry you’re having that reaction from friends but sadly it’s common as no one can relate unless they’ve experienced it. We stay because of fear, feeling obligated/guilty, we stay because we’re trauma bonded, we stay because cognitive dissonance makes our mind excuse the bad (he’s tired, he loves us really, I’m ok). You don’t need to experience violence to be here, control by intimidation, criticism, lack of emotion, financial control there’s all sort of behaviour that affects us. I found Lundy Bancroft’s book, why does he do that’ really helpful (can buy a copy or find free pdf versions online). It’s really scary to make that leap to leave and he won’t react in a reasonable or civil way as we all hope. Keep talking on here, the ladies are so lovely x

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you so much for your kind words,they made me cry….with relief that I finally don’t feel alone. I was very worried that I would be thought of as stupid and silly for posting something so ‘trivial’. Thank you also for the book recommendation xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi chocolatebar,

Nothing that makes us feel this way is trivial, so it’s good that you have found this forum and I hope you find it helps you.

If your children are adults then you are not really leaving one behind if you decide to leave. You actually have the benefit of secretly being able to search for somewhere else to stay and you can leave before you even tell your husband anything. You can then give your adult child the opportunity to come and stay with you or stay with his dad. He may even take the option of leaving home and staying somewhere else entirely once you leave, after all, he may even be staying there because he doesn’t want to leave you there with your husband by yourself.

Since you last spoke to a solicitor a ‘no fault’ divorce has come in to effect. You don’t need your husband’s acknowledgement that things are actually ‘that bad’ to want a divorce. It doesn’t sound like he was concerned that you spoke to a solicitor previously or has done anything to ‘fight to save or improve the marriage’. Maybe it has come to a time in your life where you don’t want to live without affection/emotion any more and you want to be treated with respect, spoken to kindly and want some warmth and love. There is nothing wrong with deciding you just want ‘out’ of this now.

I had a very happy childhood and did not witness any violence at all. However, my mum waited until we were all adults and she just upped and left my dad. I was (detail removed by moderator) at the time. It turned out my dad had quite a few affairs that my mum knew about but she stayed (unhappily) until we all became adults and then she made a new life for herself. She (detail removed by moderator) . I never held it against her, I can’t even remember if I was surprised or not to be honest, however, I know my dad was – he couldn’t believe it! I (detail removed by moderator) , but I had a good and healthy relationship with both parents after she left.

My mum is actually my role model in life. She was in her (detail removed by moderator) when she left and she left with nothing but her clothes. She had been secretly saving and started from scratch. She made a fab life for herself and became completely independent, and many years down the line I followed in her footsteps.

Don’t feel guilty for wanting to leave this marriage now, it doesn’t sound healthy or loving at all and independence awaits you.

xx

[Chocolatebar]

Thank you Wants To Help. You put everything so clearly. Like your mum, I stayed to keep everything as normal as possible but that has finally taken it’s toll. I often feel in a complete fog and no idea which way to turn after all these years. I know for sure I want to leave but absolutely paralysed with fear about telling him. My confidence and self esteem is non existent now.
Very glad I found this forum Xx

[Author]

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