Hello newbie here

[Starrynight]

Hello

I have been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator) years and about (detail removed by moderator) ago I text him to say I’ve had enough.
Had enough of his domestic abuse, (detail removed by moderator).
It was so hard to send the message, I was shaking.
We still live together and it’s so hard.
We have a (detail removed by moderator) year old and he always calls him a fool which is completely unacceptable.
He hardly plays with him and when he does, he gets bored within 15mins.
Anyway, I feel like I’m getting stronger every day which is strange for me because I thought I would be crumbling. I am shocking myself how strong I really am x

[KIP.]

Please get in touch with your local women’s aid. This is the most dangerous time for a woman when she tries to end a relationship. When abusers lose control then the abuse often escalates. Make sure you log the abuse with your GP. If you thought he was abusive in the relationship it’s going to get much worse as he tries to regain control. Get some legal advice, know your rights. Keep your phone on you at all times. The trouble with you feeling stronger is you will have minimised the abuse and that’s dangerous for you x

[Starrynight]

Thank you. That’s great advice.
I will go to the GP too. I didn’t think about that x

[Starrynight]

Hi

Just updating you on my situation…I decided to leave our family home and go stay with my family.
This is the best thing to do for my me and my baby

My husband has been phoning me non stop and also phoning my stepdad. We are both not answering but he’s making me nervous and scared.

Is there anything I can do to stop him doing this?

Many thanks.

[Lisa]

Hi there, it is good to see that you and your baby are in a safe place. It would be beneficial for you to get some legal advice, particularly if you are concerned about him wanting to see the baby. Rights of Women have a family law advice line and a really informative website.

You might want to look into obtaining an injunction, DV Assist could help with this.

Best wishes

Lisa

[KIP.]

Hey, well done for getting somewhere safe. You could change your number or text him to stop contacting you or you will involve the police as this is harrassment. If he continues to contact you, do not respond or the police will view it as an argument. You need to show the police the continued harrassment. They can warn him off. This is a very dangerous time for you when leaving so be very careful. You did the right thing by getting yourself safe. Don’t confuse his harrassment with caring. He just wants to regain control.

[Starrynight]

Thank you.

Update… he is accusing me of controlling him. This is absolutely horrendous!!!

Anyone else experience this?

[KIP.]

Absolutely and predictable behaviour. This is the point where they become the victim. He will also be trying to discredit you so that when the truth comes out about the abuse, he’s already told people that you’re the abuser and the crazy one and he hopes they will believe him over you. This is why zero contact is so important because any contact will be used against you. Including him saying why If he’s so bad are you still in touch with him. Don’t underestimate him at this stage. Please stick to zero contact and use a third party for any urgent matters. If you’re looking for closure you won’t get it from him. You need to turn your back, even though it will go against your instinct to be a reasonable person. It won’t work. You cannot coparent with an abuser and there is no negotiating either. Can’t be reasoned with so don’t try. Just make a plan for yourself and stick to it. Block him on everything x

[Starrynight]

Thank you.
(detail removed by moderator)
Absolutely ridiculous.

[Creamflowersbloom]

So proud of you and your strength. Currently trying to leave myself but having to do it in such a way it goes unnoticed x

[Starrynight]

Hello everyone… I’m now in a refuge with my baby. It’s been a horrible few weeks and it doesn’t look like it’s getting any better yet.
The court has ordered that I video call him so he can see our baby every day.
This to me is so unfair. He is at our family home and I am in refuge.
He doesn’t care about anything especially our baby. This is all for show and to win.

[Starrynight]

Where is the justice?!
I have truth on my side but will it be enough.
He was mentually abusive to our baby, and he is still allowed a video call?!

[KIP.]

can you get one of the refuge staff to do the video call for you. That way he sees his baby but doesn’t get the chance to abuse you. No doubt he will use these calls to continue his abuse so if you can record them then please do so or at least keep a journal of how the calls go and any abuse or coercion he uses. They can’t help themselves. Do you have a solicitor? Can you appeal this decision? How about getting an occupation order to have him removed from the family home?

[Starrynight]

Hi KIP

Unfortunately with this virus, the staff here are either staying away from us or working from home. I do keep a note of things.
He breached the undertaking order (detail removed by moderator) by calling me after our video call and then texting me.
He still wants control and it’s awful.
Everyone keeps saying this time will pass but it’s not passing quick enough for me.
Just when I think I’m getting on and stronger, he does something.
He agreed for me and our baby to go and live in one of his properties but I receievd the terms and conditions. He granted permission for me to change the locks but wanted a set cut for him so he can have access to the property with suppliers.
I have decided not to go there.
It’s such a mess but I’m staying strong… I have a cry now and again but that doesn’t mean I’m weak. It’s just being here is not where I imagine myself to be.

[KIP.]

He’s building a great case against himself. Breaching the court order, continuing to show controlling and coercive behaviour. I know it must be awful at the moment but you are both together and safe. Just keep gathering that evidence. Once you’ve done your call to him then switch off your phone for a while or if possible I think it would be worth getting another SIM card and changing your number for everyone else. Just use the SIM card he knows about when you need to. That way you get some peace in between. You should also message him that he’s breaching the court order by contacting you and you will let the police know if it continues. It’s harassment. These men just cannot relinquish control. I know it’s difficult but now is the time you can build a picture of a controlling abusive individual who shouldn’t be allowed near you or your child. Lean on women’s aid for advice and get some good legal advice going forward. Keep posting for support. It’s a very dangerous time for you just now. I can only imagine what he would do with those keys. Don’t believe a word he says.

[Starrynight]

Thank you.
I feel scared and not sure what he’s going to do next. He’s very unstable and I feel he needs help.
I don’t trust him with our baby and I hope Cafcass will be able to see that he’s a bully.
I am going for a full non molestation order because of the breach.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Starrynight, look at what you’ve done. How amazing, it’s such a huge leap of faith, but it’s a leap of faith in yourself and you’re abilities. Yes this time will pass, how long that is, is anyone’s guess. You are doing brilliantly. You are protecting your child and yourself from a life of abuse.
Stay strong, we all have wobbles from time to time. But we are resourceful (as someone said earlier). Don’t believe a word he says, it’s all designed to frighten,control and win you back.
Best wishes IWMB

[Starrynight]

Thank you for your lovely and kind words.
It’s so hard and I get so emotional when I think about it all.
I think the law needs to change regarding domestic abusive partners.
They should lose their rights to see their child and lose their right to still have any control.
Being controlled after fleeing is not acceptable and he is showing his true colours.
Every day I see it more clearer and I shocked and appalled how I stayed that long.
The journey is long now but I feel optimistic about our future.
I have child arrangement order in the next few weeks and I am so annoyed and concerned about my baby. If he has supervised or unsupervised contact, I fear my babys character will be squashed.
It may sound weird but my husband I feel didn’t like us as people. He would stare at us like poo and that was awful.
I just hope the judge and Cafcass see him for what he truly is.
Thanks again.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi I actually brought that very subject up as a motion to go before conference this year,👍can’t say what party as it would defo let people have more idea who I am, but all conferences have been cancelled due to covid19😏 things like that though are not just black and white. I’m working out how to in other ways cos we know it’s not right, just not had that aha moment yet. Cafcass have seen many people like him through their doors, sadly though like everything else there’s due process and all kinds of hands tied behind their backs c..p. we are educating the children from nursery age upwards as to what healthy relationships should be. But when society is still seen through patriarchal eyes we know we’re fighting a hard slog. I’m making it my duty to inform members of my political party as to abuse against women, changing how they use words, how they think. I was voted into a position that puts women front and centre and most of my votes came from the older members. We have to get more women into politics, to make it the norm. There’s still a lot of old boys network, not just in politics but in all walks of life. Thankfully churches aren’t as antiquated but members of those places are. I spoke at a church, they help with donations fir my local WA, I hadx the whole full congregation listening to me, what da is about. There were a few people who came up afterwards admitting that they have family members ergo have gone through the same, to keep telling our stories. Not all of us have the opportunity to be as vocal, but I’ll do it fir as long as I can. So we are trying to change the law about these men’s PR’s, but not all men are sent to jail, not all men are even reported, when we can start doing that, then the judiciary might just sit up and start doing something.
Best wishes and keep posting. Life will be hectic over the coming months, as you’ll not want to sit about doing nothing. Doing nothing means you’ve time to think, but it will slow down. You’ll be able to face what he’s done. Ive still to start divorce proceedings but I’m getting there. Too scared to, can’t face that fall out yet, but I will.
IWMB 💞💞

[Starrynight]

Thank you for your support.
I do believe the law will change but I have no clue how long that will take. I also worry that DA is different for everyone. Will the hopefully new law be able to act like an umbrella as such as protect all DA victims? Who knows at this stage.
All the people I have met along my journey through this horrendous time all have a different story, not one has been the same so far. People need to be aware of all aspects of DA. When this is all over, I would like to become a speaker about DA. Not everyone would like to share their story but if it helps another person or the law, then I would be happy to help.
I havealready started divorce proceedings as I couldn’t stand the thought of being married to him. I want to move on with my life asap. Listen to your body and you’ll know when to take the next step x

[Starrynight]

Hi All,

Please can anyone help me?
I have (detail removed by Moderator) for child arrangement but our abuser is paying an independent social worker to write up a section 7 report. This is unfair to begin with. (detail removed by Moderator) agreed that he could do this and I feel mistreated.
She wants to come into our home and assess.
I declined due to her then knowing where we are currently staying and she has know complained to our abuser about me.
They have decided to (detail removed by Moderator) try to get a court order for her to come into my home.
I’m at my witts end and don’t know what to do.
I have no solicitor because I can’t afford it (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator)
Please help.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Starrynight,

I have just read this post from the start and can see how well you have done to leave and start a new life for yourself and your baby.

The independent SW report should be just that – independent. Just because your abuser has to pay for it does not mean it will or should favour him. Someone has to pay for these reports, so rather him than you. Your address should not be revealed during the process of the report, it may refer to ‘a two bedroom flat in city location’ or ‘a three bedroom house in a residential location’ for example, but your address should definitely not be disclosed as part of the report. This would compromise your safeguarding etc. If in doubt, you could contact the Social Services Dept and ask for their policy on this and for an assurance that your address will not be disclosed during the process. If it does get disclosed then you have a valid complaint to make against the Council for breach of Data Protection etc.

Unfortunately, to not engage with professionals is viewed upon as obstructive. We are in a position of constantly battling for our rights and safety, something that SoulSearcher 18 has posted about regarding the system not working and being fed up of it.

The independent report will focus on facts, not thoughts or feelings. These are to help (detail removed by Moderator) make an unbiased report. Don’t fear this too much, you’re not being ‘set up to fail’ here. Just get those reassurances that your address will not be disclosed in any reports that are sent to your abusers legal team.

Well done for keeping on track. These are the difficulties and hardships of leaving where sometimes it’s just easier to throw the towel in and go back to him. I often say it’s easier to stay than leave. I describe the journey as a series of mountains to climb, and just as you are reaching the top of one huge mountain you start to see the peak of an even bigger one behind it. It just seems relentless at times, and the process takes its toll on us; it is all consuming and we live and breathe it daily for a very long time, sometimes years, until we finally reach that flat grassy plain on the other side of the final mountain. Hang in there, keep on keeping on, try not to panic x

[Starrynight]

Thank you.
I still feel uncomfortable about all of this. I feel forced into a corner and bullied into accepting things that aren’t right.
My support worker at Women’s Aid confirmed that she shouldn’t be allowed to know where I live.
Also the Independent SW wants my baby to be looked after by a total stranger while she chats to me. My baby is not leaving my sight.
Everything is wrong about this and I don’t agree on any point that she is making.
I have been told numerous times about address being “mistakenly” been given to the wrong people and I’m not willing to take that chance.
I’m sorry if I sound angry or sound like I’m making excuses, but I’m not. I’ve had a tough few months and nothing has been on my side.
I am sick of having to defend myself and all I am doing is to try and protect my child from seeing an abuser. I will fight tooth and nail and I am not willing to give up.

[Starrynight]

Is there anyone who can help me?

[Lifebegins]

Hi Starrynight, I don’t know that I can offer any help but you have my support 💕

I too have escaped an abusive ex and am just really starting my journey. I’ve decided to follow to the letter the advice I’ve been given by the police, IDVA and the wise women on this forum. I’m just starting on the child contact aspect today hopefully with my solicitor.

And absolutely No contact. I know that he’s going to play the victim now and I’m not giving him any ammunition. I’ve decided I’m going to comply with all the legal things I’m required to do. I’ve got the mindset that it’s not him controlling me now, it’s me taking control to get a better life for me and my child. He’s going to hate this.

I’m not always going to like or agree with what I have to do but I’m going to get through this. Just as you are. Is there no legal help/support for you? Anyone to help you get through this?

I know you are scared about him finding you. My ex knows where I am and I’m afraid going to sleep every night. But we’ve got to keep going.

I don’t think I’ve given you the advice you need/want but just wanted you to know there are other women out there facing the same stuff right now. But at least we’re out and not being abused anymore xx

[Starrynight]

Hi,

Thank you for your kind message.
It’s good to know that people are going through similar situations.
The law needs to change because it is horrendous that abuser are allowed any type of direct contact.
Also I feel judges need to be trained on all different types of domestic abuse. I feel very undermined and ignored.
This is our childrens lives we are trying to protect yet they think they know best with a 2 hour assessment?!
I do have a few family members around me but I’m living on the edge thinking that hes out to get us, it’s not a good way to be living.
All we want to do is try to rebuild our lives and settle.
I am not eligible for legal aid (totally screwed system too) I have no savings, do not work and I am representing myself due to having no funds.
I hope there is light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel.
Take care and stay safe x

[Author]

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