Hello survivors . My name is – and I am a new embarrassed survivor

[Wakemeup]

Left my ‘abuser’ (removed by moderator) morning . After a second consecutive week of devaluation, gaslighting, insults, belittling and all that other predictable cycle of event that usually ended in discovery of him speaking to/ meeting/ sleeping with somebody or others . The usual put downs about cooking cleaning attitude . Expressing there had been an issue or something not being right or something missing . I never have anything to say, all I do is cook and clean, I’ve never been loved before him , he doesn’t need me and is good on his own. To be completely honest in the (removed by moderator) years (in which time a baby was conceived and born by another woman) I ‘just’ thought he was a n********t. I read books I watched videos etc . More recently I have accepted or am starting to accept it was indeed psychological and emotional abuse . Control and infact domestic abuse . I havnt heard from him since I left and left because I’m all too familiar with what was to come and havnt got another ounce of breaking point left in me and new how low he was about to take me AGAIN. I don’t know what I’m looking for here , verification? Company? Strength to stay gone? I feel at peace and at war at the same time . I feel like am I making myself a victim when I might just be an insecure weak woman that brainwashed myself with YouTube and theories?

[Kitkat44]

Sending you love, your comment about feeling at peace and Also at war with yourself struck a chord. I attempted to leave last Easter the first few days I felt numb, then doubts and fears then peace then I returned.
You have taken a huge step, using enormous courage. Be kind to yourself and keep posting here xx

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. Firstly well done, you’ve recognised the abuse and escaped. Be strong, don’t go back you know it won’t change. Read, research, post on here and the fog will lift. You’re not crazy, you’re seeing the truth x

[Wakemeup]

I don’t have to walk on eggshells I don’t feel on edge and anxious about him coming home or calling and me having nothing to say I havnt got a list of never ending items being added on or his sense of entitlement or complaints . But I feel lost and a bit empty . I know I’ve done the right thing but but if he called and said he was wrong and wanted to change I’d probably go back. He won’t and it won’t change . He will already be fixating on his new replacement I don’t doubt . It’s like being disposable. Dehumanising

[Wakemeup]

Thankyou banana boat .
We split last (removed by moderator). He left me and returned in January. I know it gets better just like I know it gets worse . I’m externally strong but internally I’m looking for anything and everything to stay gone and get stronger . I can’t wait to be in a place where I can offer encouragement and support to women where I am now x

[Bananaboat]

This hit home. I’m still stuck in my relationship and this anxiety before he gets home, the phone calls but having nothing to say, this is what you need to remember. It’s natural to miss being in a relationship and our minds like to remember the good first but you are helping! You give ppl like me hope 🙂

[Wakemeup]

I heard something that said , we don’t live because of the fear of the unknown . But what about the known. We know the cycle we know what comes after and if we stay we relive that feeling another 25,95,god knows how many times again and again . I just new the cheating was about to come again and the devaluation would get worse and worse and I’d gone from a human with feelings and ideas and a voice to a robot /slave again . And it kept taking me back to a time in summer when I felt humiliated and broken by him . And didn’t want to live that again one more time let alone 25 more times . So I made his food cleaned his flat cut his nails wrapped his sons bday presents got him apple juice and snacks and went to bed with him next to me but a million miles away . Woke up for work (before him) ordered a cab in advance , packed and left before he even woke up . Never heard from him since . I do feel more empowered that I didn’t wait for him to discard me like a soggy paper straw this time .

[nbumblebee]

@wakemeup this is incredable well done you. Such courage and bravery thank you for sharing as bananaboat days srories like yours help us still here they give us hope that one day we can find the courage to break the cycle.
Thank you.
With regards to yourself maybe now its time to het some support to help you guide yourself through this new life, reading posts on here i read that its not easy even when you have left and its really important to keep looking after you. Maybe see a counsellor for support or talk to a friend etc just dont be alone in this fight.
Thanks again for sharing and good luck moving foward x

[Wakemeup]

@nbumblebee thanks for the response .
I spent all weekend crying and just thinking ‘why can’t I just leave’ ? In hindsight when I think about the balance and what needs I actually get met in the relationship I couldn’t think of many if any! I just feel exhausted and ran ragged all the time and he just acted entitled to that and more . Goal posts constantly moved so could never do enough or do right he was never satisfied or content . We had what I thought was a good period of about (removed by moderator) weeks prior to this (removed by moderator) weeks or so I thought . His mood would just suddenly change to cold and dismissive and he’d start picking to then say it hadn’t been right for (removed by moderator) plus weeks and something is missing. So then I just thought even when I think it’s good it isn’t good in his eyes it’s never enough . And the thought of everything he’d done prior to still be claiming HE wasn’t happy snapped me . My work week is ok I can fill time and stay busy . This will be my first weekend in my own and I’ve mixed emotions. No work no noise no orders no silent treatment no crying no eggshells .

[Author]

Posts