Hello?

[Tuppance]

Hi
I, like some other people, have put up with years of controlling behaviour. Gradually the control got more and more and now verbally aggressive attacks have gotten worse. The problem is that I loved him so much I would do anything for him and I allowed this to happen. I never wanted to stand up to him as I didn’t want to upset him. My brother said it was abussive behaviour and reading through these posts I do agree. The final straw was him calling me a f-ing t-at really venomously in front of our older son . Not just once but a few times because I had forgotten the back door was not locked. I can’t explain but that was the final straw – it broke me. I then spent dats and weeks wondering what the hell to do. Another outburst a few weeks later where I was called lesbian, spoilt b***h anything – you name it. All because I didn’t (detail removed by moderator) that he had asked me to do. I plucked up the cottage the following week to tell him I had had enough. He was so horrible – threatening to tell the kids what I was doing to the family . Not to use a solicitor. I didn’t deserve even half. And now he is being nice but it’s too late – when I say nice he really is trying but when he gets in a dark mood ( normally drink ) then he will start but that’s my fault because I have asked for a separation. Why do I feel guilty for falling out of love with him because of his behaviour? I feel sorry for him. I want us to be friends for the sake of the children. Our daughter adores him but she often sees his behaviour towards me and she tells him off. My son loves him but doesn’t like his controlling behaviour. What if the kids hate me for splitting the family up ? I am so lost xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi Tuppance

I lost both my children because I stayed and he twisted them. You need to stay strong and find out your rights. Speak with woman’s aid, citizens advice and a solicitor.

Sad to say they only get worse and you like the restof us here deserve better.

Good luck and keep posting

FS xx

[Lisa]

Hi Tuppance,

I am sorry to read about your situation. Your partner sounds very abusive and I am so pleased that you have found the forum and are getting some support. Please do try the helpline as soon as you get a safe moment to call. You and your children deserve to be happy without fear of his abuse and drunken behaviour. It is his behaviour alone that has led you to fall out of love with him and you are setting your children a very good example by calling time on the relationship.

The children will not hate you for breaking up the relationships. They may be confused and upset for a while and he may try to manipulate them against you but I am sure that you and them will thrive when you are no longer in this stressful household. Sadly it can be much more upsetting when in later years children blame their mothers for not leaving sooner and the fact they have witnessed abusive behaviour. Leaving the relationship sets a healthy example that no one should have to put up with abuse.

You are not to blame and we are all here for you. Please do contact Women’s Aid and let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Tuppance]

Thankyou so much for replying. It is hard to do this in my phone. I feel angry with myself for letting things get this far but confrontation makes me feel physically sick. I will do anything to keep the peace. There is so much that has happened that is hard to write. Trying to leave me (detail removed by moderator) days before our eldest was born, refusing me maternity leave, checking my phone and whereabouts, getting cross for trying to have honest conversations with girlfriends, making me go to work on our daughters funeral day, the list is extensive but what I can’t seem to get me head around is that he is now so horrible especially when he has had a drink, that he is asking me why I am doing this to him, why I am hurting him, why I am doing this to the children. He has threatened to tell the kids that I am wrecking the family. I am so scared my children will hate me. I am so empty. I have appt with dr’s this week and have had a private session with a counsellor. Which all really helps me but the crux is my kids. I love them so much and they deserve so much more. It will take ages to unraveled our finances and lives – what do I do in the mean time? I can put up with his rubbish but I don’t want my kids subjected to it. Tonight he has already accused me of an affair with an employee because I was trying to resolve issues between two groups of staff. He seems to be wallowing in being the victim and seems to have no grasp, despite counselling and our own conversations, of how it is his behaviour that had led us here. I think I am going mad.

[Author]

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