This topic contains 15 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Hazydayz 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #103501
     Anonymous

    Just saying hello. It’s been a long time for me , I disappeared in my relationship.
    It reached a peak during the lockdown. I hope I have the strength to go it alone. I feel very vulnerable. It is financial abuse, emotional & very recently physical. But the blame is always placed on my shoulders for everything. I realise after nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years I have nothing. No money/work/selfesteem left.

  • #103502
     Anonymous

    Reaching out to fellow survivors xx

    • #103566
       Same-again 
      Participant

      Hello,

      As the user name suggests I’ve been in an abusive relationship before (married him) and I find myself in one again. I am a complete idiot, for gods sake. I called the Police as last incident ((detail removed by Moderator)ago) he head butted me – broke my nose I think as now it’s crooked (has an extra lump on one side).

      I didn’t press charges (stupid feelings of guilt/misplaced loyalty) but thankfully the Police got a DVPO issued.

      He lives (detail removed by Moderator) from me – (detail removed by Moderator)

      I’ve told nobody the full extent of what has gone on. One of the neighbours knows us both and the other day she asked me about the previous relationship…… I could hear it in her voice ie seems a bit strange to have it happen again.

      He’s told all the rest of the neighbours (he knows them all – I don’t) that it’s me who’s violent.

      I struggle to hold my head up when I leave the house.

      I am so ashamed. What a b****y idiot I am.

      Co-dependent – yes, I can’t deny it any longer!

      I’ve had a fair bit of the violence – I do flight back – doesn’t help – I know. It enrages me though, that he thinks he has the right to hit me.

      The worst is the belittling, put downs. On and on and on about how s**t I am.

      And – I miss him. Really?! Are you stupid – who misses that. Me it would seem. Replaying all the nice times/things. Having my own little pity party! Yay.

      I’ve read all the literature on the subject and yet, here I am again. Brokenhearted and lonely again.

      Drinking too much – again.

      VICTIM typed on my forehead.

      Even I have lost patience with me.

    • #103568
       Same-again 
      Participant

      Sorry – think I posted in the wrong place.

      Maybe he was right all along – I am a bit thick. Can’t even use this forum correctly.

      Oh – and yes anonymous – same/same/same. The abusers handbook. My cooking was never quite right, told off for looking at my phone. In fact told off for EVERYTHING. In my own home too.

      One thing he said to me once – and this is VILE.

      Said my (detail removed by Moderator). Have you ever looked at yourself he said…. with a smirk. VILE.VILE.VILE.

  • #103503
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Hi Dandelion girl welcome and thanks for posting. Have you managed to get away or are you still in the relationship? If you’re still there and thinking of leaving be sure he doesn’t know your intention, it’s a dangerous time when we leave and it sounds like things escalated in lockdown. I hope you’re ok. Women’s aid can help you formulate your plan to leave safely, you can call them or live chat on here. If you think he’s going g to hurt you again don’t hesitate to call the police.

    If you have left and are out, absolutely there is a future for you. It’s not easy getting on your feet again but you’re away from your oppressor and free to be you again. I’m nearly (detail removed by Moderator) out and the first weeks and months were so hard but now.. I’m loving life again and the weight is off my shoulders. I had such good advice from the ladies here, we’ve all been through or are still going through every type of abuse imaginable and their support has seen me through the darkest days.

    You can do it. Keep posting and we’ll help as much as we can. Big hug to you xx

  • #103504
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Abusers never accept responsibility for their actions, they will always turn it round to be our fault. Without fail. Try to read up on it, living with the dominator by pat craven and why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft are a good start. Google the cycle of abuse and you get to know a bit about how their twisted minds work and how you can help yourself to be free of it xx

  • #103508
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    There is absolutely life on the other side. My relationship was coercive control, to sone extent financial (all the responsibility was on me while he seemed to do as he pleased) and some intimidating moments – interspersed of course with lots of good time too – which is where we get confused. Because surely he can’t be an abuser when we get in well together out with those moments? It messes with your head and of course it’s all our fault – if we didn’t do this or that, if we paid them more attention, if we were more tidy, if we showed as much interest in them as in others, if we stopped looking at our phone, if we basically just made them flipping centre of our universe and cared about nothing else except making them happy!!!!
    Nope – it’s not our fault, we won’t ever be able to make them realise or care about the impact they are having on us, they are too full of their own sense of entitlement to care. Our needs don’t matter – they are not as important and at best an inconvenience.
    I got out before lockdown and have been through the full range of emotions – elation, exhaustion, grief, anger, confusion, doubt, realisation, and am now entering into acceptance and feeling much more positive about life and about myself.
    I can make my own decisions and am now in charge of my own destiny. My kids are far happier too. The old happy new is emerging.
    Yes I have my down moments – but I remind myself I am grieving the relationship I thought I was going to have – not the one I was actually having.
    Write a list of the bad things he did and keep it somewhere- when you have your doubts and wobbles you can look at it to remind you of the truth.
    Be prepared for “love bombing” when he tries to win you back. He probably has a very bushy number and doesn’t want to lose that so he will probably fight to keep you. And how dare you even think about trying to leave his control! Plus – what might you tell others? He may look bad and they can’t stand that! No – he will need to win you back, but the minute he does expect to be punished. Mine created a huge scene within 48 hours of “winning” me back – I saw it for what it was and it gave me the final strength to see my exit through.
    Get out and build yourself a new and happy life free from abuse – it’s the best revenge you can get!
    And go no contact if you can – trust me, it will be easier in the long run. I spent weeks of text and phone debates, meeting to talk which would create another big scene, being lulled into trying again only to have him start his nonsense within a couple of days. Most of us take I think 7 attempts on average before we finally break free – I think I was around 3, because I educated myself by reading those recommended books and listening to the wonderful women on here.
    Be strong – it’s worth it in the end!!!
    I don’t think I’ve heard any woman on here saying they are glad they didn’t leave their abuser!

  • #103509
     Headspinning 
    Participant

    Cushy number not bushy number lol! (Although maybe he had a “bushy” number to in which case that’s another reason to leave!)

  • #103511
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Dandeliongirl, welcome to the forum, taking that first step reaching out and posting takes enormous courage,so well done fir doing it. I was in your position, with my oh for over (detail removed by Moderator), married him too,because I was too afraid of the fall out if I said I didn’t want to. My physical abuse was more in the first decade,later on I knew exactly what he was capable of so knew when I couldn’t push any more. You just wake up one day and finally realise what you’re living with and just know you can’t do it anymore. I spent weeks on here before I found the courage to talk to my doctor, then took more months before I could approach my local WA centre. I read anything and everything I could to find out how to deal with my oh and how to get out of the relationship safely. Its overwhelming in the early stages when we finally admit what our partner does is abuse. That’s something that happens to other people not me. I’m a,nice person, wouldn’t hurt anyone intentionally, but those are the traits that these men don’t naturally have, they’re like vampires,trying to suck those traits from you and wear them as their own.
    Take your time, do what you can when you can. We’ll be here every step of the way. Sometimes we’ll come across pretty scary, that’s only when we read how scary your life is. Not all men behave exactly the same,but they all abuse us in one way or another. You’re now taking back control of your life, it might not feel like it,but you are. Keep a journal of his behaviour how you feel. Look up the cycle of abuse as previously mentioned. There’s the FOG of abuse too(fear,obligation and guilt)trauma bonding which is also known as Stockholm syndrome.
    Take care, try not to engage with him. But at this moment in time its about getting a little bit stronger in order to take the next baby steps. The more you get stronger,it breaks another tie to him, but it’ll also make you feel I’ll,like having withdrawal symptoms and of course we all know to stop those we have to take more of our drug of choice(him) but we can talk about that later.
    Personally I find the whole thing fascinating, how someone else can control another with a look or a word, but I wouldn’t have been this interested in it if it hadn’t happened to me. I’ve read and read books on the subject of abusive behaviour, watched numerous youtube videos. Became a bit obsessive I suppose, but its helped me get stronger,helped me see it’s not me.
    You will get through this. You’ve tekken your first steps away from him.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

  • #103516
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Hello Dandeliongirl and welcome from another new comer to this sanctuary. Your very visible to me, describing where you have been over the years and where you are now, hopefully your now in a safe place? The lockdown has and is changing lives in many ways isn’t it, understandably your feeling vulnerable after all you have been through and are facing. It is a different world now and who knows how things will be in the future? For everyone. The regular people as I like to call them, I guess some can’t even imagine? how much more vulnerable we feel. Although in fairness, awareness of this plague (DV) particularly now in lockdown has been highlighted and brought to people’s attention hasnt it. So we can hope for changes to improve lives for the better. Hopefully this is where you are now. Your going to find help here to feel supported and less alone, many survivors, lovely ladies like yourself will reach out to you and share their experiences and me too in time. I’m currently sitting on the fence at the crossroads, reading all the signs looking for directions. So for now, I’m Wishing you a safe journey and sunshine on your horizons🌄 Take care x

  • #103522
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Hello Dandyloin girl. Welcome back. How’s it going today?

  • #103530
     Anonymous

    Your responses are really kind. Thankyou so much.
    Very helpful.
    I did manage a split a few years ago but couldn’t maintain it. I have no support network and find it hard to reach out to people.
    I do get judged alot for everything I do/dont do. I used to self harm. Talk down to myself hit myself. I have internalised voices. I am getting better this time. As well as being intimidated I am so humiliated. Also I cannot look after the children properly or make decisions over my life. Thankyou for responding to me. I feel like it is my fault sometimes becasue I allowed this. You are supposed to have your own job etc and one life.
    We sleep in separate rooms. He has said he will leave. I will not be able to pay the rent. I am applying for work. I feel like fate will just have to be on my side this time. I cannot let the worry drown me.
    I do argue back, but everything I do is used as fuel as if I was the only one who was doing it to begin with. It’s so crazy like fog.
    Your comments really resonate with me. I am quiet
    My speaking is irritating to him. And the pressure for sex and the ignoring me was awful.

  • #103531
     Anonymous

    Sorry I made it sound worse. I do not hear voices I just used to tell.myself I am rubbish.
    I can look after the children but not in the way I want to freely. If I was by myself I could sing and dance freely and save up for a future.

  • #103535
     Anonymous

    I would like to not be told I am useless and to not have my cooking looked down on. Yes and I get a telling off about looking at phone. I am not a great commander of respect however. And I am aware that I could get a boss who bullies me etc. I dont want to be a victim forever. I hope I can get there this time

  • #103648
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Hello again Anonymous. Don’t give up! Anxious thoughts can really undermine our belief in ourselves after years of abuse. Believe you will get there? and you can. Help and support is going to be very important. If you don’t have any? We are all here to support you not being a victim forever 💞

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