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Hello.
I’ve been reading the posts for a while now, but just recently I decided to participate actively. I was with my ex for over (detail removed by moderator) years and we have a child. My ex was always the same, but things got out of control when I decided to continue my studies and we moved to another city. He was always very jealous (checking all my conversations, deciding who should I talk with, or following me to work). Once we arrived to the new city, things escalated quickly. He cut his wrists and threated to kill himself if I ended the relationship. He cut my clothes, grabbed my wrists and threated to rape me or do “whatever he wanted because I was so powerless” (in his words). One day I packed my bag (and put very stupid things in it, like, a shirt and shoes but not underwear) and went to the police. Then my baby and I stayed in a relative’s house while we waited for him to leave my home. We have been in a legal process since then.
My therapist said I have PTSD. One of the things I remember constantly is when he said “I didn’t rape you, I stopped when I saw you crying”. Even though things are over, I still feel depressed and worried all the time. Sometimes I feel like everything is just so worthless.
I struggled a lot finish my studies (detail removed by moderator)..
I hope everything is fine.
And I hope we all have this moment in which we decide to be better.Kisses,
Megan. -
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sorry pressed the wrong button…
So sorry to hear you went through this painful series of events. At the same time I’m sure all on here will be very proud of you for taking action.
It sounds like it is early days for you in recovering from these traumatic events. Rest assured you will get some ongoing help and solidarity from the ladies on here so you are in the right place.
Also as you say, hopefully sharing some hopeful moments and positive ways to move forward with our lives.
several years on I still have ups and downs ptsd wise and like yourself have struggled with studying.
however my child is doing very well at school, is very sensible and has shed loads of friends.I could do with losing some weight at the moment.
Try to do some nice things for yourself.
At this end I have ordered a few things to try on which have just arrived in the post unusually for a Sunday.Hope you are able to be kind to yourself today
all best and welcome on here
ftc
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You are very welcome, Megan! To share your story and open up about it, one step forward for the recovery, I hope with time you will be able to process things and make your self more empowered, more strong.
May be is also important to give the time for you, to grieve.
For a long time – I was putting the brave face on me and pretending I’m ok, when inside I was literally bleeding from the pain. I do not want to wear this mask.
Sometimes I think women should be educated on the abuse in the schools:)how to recognise the signs, before you actually in the middle of it and with messed thoughts and so confused. -
@freedomchoice
about body transformation is a good idea – the better we are starting to treat ourself, the less chances abusers has power to us. When we are starting to put our needs first and emotional, physical safety.
There is a good book – from James Duigan, who created Bodyism. It helped me to make healthier choices about food, about how I see my body too. And chase not being skinny, but healthy. He has two great books – clean and lean diet, flat tommy fast.
My first abuser was shaming my body and look for years, despite I had a normal look and nothing was wrong with me. at some point with him I lost so much weight, i was around 50 kg. And he would still call me fat ugly cow, and my body is disgusting.
Second abuser had different ways to deal – it was the opposite, my look made him to do things on me sexually, and made my look to blame for the rape. It was one of the legit excuses of him.
Now I’m still learning how to overcome the labels what they put on me. And working to see myself with my eyes.
And when your body was harmed in a such way, very hard to get a positive image about yourself.
Of course, I wish I found this site and help before. -
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@freedomchoice @fridges
Thanks for your kind answers. It is as you say, days and days. Regarding body image, I’m struggling with it too, I’ve been practising martial arts for a while now, but sometimes I “punish” myself by not eating (my therapist says it’s like bullying myself through food. To me, it’s more like it feels “right”)
FTC, I’m so happy for your child! mine’s been on therapy and most of the time he seems nonchalant (this worries me constantly). Also, in relation to what you can do to feel better, I can share you my experience with exercise. I was never into it (I mean, I didn’t do anything since highschool), but practising martial arts has made me revive some issues (for instance, what to do when someone grabs your arm). I wouldn’t recommend running (it’s painful, specially if you’re a beginner), but I’d recommend some activities that make you forget about how you feel when exercising, like biking (so you get to do some sightseeing) or a sport just to have fun. I can say that this definetly has made a difference to me, keeps my moods at bay and it is as people say, makes you feel better (because of the chemical “rush”)
Fridges, I’m really sorry you had to go through that. It is as you say, labels are strong, because once the abuse is over, you keep feeding those thoughts. It is as in what I have been researching, language is the bridge between thoughts and reality, so being said that you are one thing is to your brain the same as seeing and believing that you are. In this sense, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I really am, a sort of second adolescence. I hope that you can surround yourself with people who show you a more realistic image of yourself, knowing that you’re worth all the happiness in the world.cheers! 🙂
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