Help?

[Brudge123]

Hello,

I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) and he has always been mentally controlling, but got me pregnant very early and cut my support from my family by isolating me from them.

His behaviour has improved a little since then because I have stood up to him on occasion and I feel as though he has relaxed a bit. But he still has outbursts. He made our almost (detail removed by moderator) wet herself by shouting so much at her the other day. I tried to leave him before lockdown but my lawyer went on furlough, he wouldn’t leave the house and told me that because he pays the mortgage and I’m the one that wants to leave I should leave. He said I wouldn’t be allowed to keep the children. Then lockdown hit and I had to pretend it was just a blip and that I did actually want to be with him, so that I could survive. Since theN I tried to kill myself 3 times. I couldn’t see a way out. I’ve had some really good counselling and help from the mental health team, but I don’t know who to ask for help in leaving.

Lawyers aren’t responding to me and I can’t make phone calls as he won’t let me out of his sight.

What do I do? I need to leave whilst I am strong enough and resolute enough. I know if I take the children it’ll be “kidnap” in his eyes. Also, I have nowhere to go other than a refuge and things aren’t really that bad here. He’s currently playing the good guy as I’m acting vulnerable.

I read Lundy Bancroft’s book but if anyone else has any other suggestions I’m all ears too.

Thanks for reading xx

[Lisa]

Hi Brudge123,

I’m so sorry to read what you are going through at the moment. From what you have described in your post, your husband is very emotionally abusive, controlling and threatening, and his behaviour towards your child is incredibly concerning.

If you are unable to make calls at the moment, would it be safe for you to contact Women’s Aid via our live chat service? It is open weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm on weekends. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
They can also speak to you about the option of refuge if you need emergency alternative accommodation.

There is also a directory of specialist domestic abuse services on the Women’s Aid website, who can often be contacted via email and sometimes have webchat services themselves. You can find your local service here.

Leaving with your children is not classed as ‘kidnapping’ as you have parental rights, you are not breaking the law in any way to remove your children from an abusive situation.

The Rights of Women website has lots of useful information that may be relevant to you. The website is https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,

Lisa

[KIP.]

Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? It sounds like you already know your husband is an abuser and he doesn’t get any credit for the odd time his behaviour improves to a decent human being. It sounds like the cycle of abuse. As Lisa says removing your child from a man who scares her so much she wets herself is not illegal. It’s being a good protective mother x Staying Is damaging both of your mental health. Contact your local women’s aid or have you thought about an occupation order to have him removed from the home?

[Watersprite]

This isn’t safe for you or your child. I didn’t fully know what harm is done to children until you leave. Please reach out for support – social services, women’s aid Boots have a safe space if the children are in school or pre school they will have safeguarding units could you speak to someone? You may not want refuge but would it not be safer than home? He may be nice now but my experience is it doesn’t last. You and your child deserve so much better x

[Author]

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