Help

[Blueshoe]

Hi , please answer im desperate, i believed his, respones I will try harder, he improves then gets annoyed over anything, if I sigh over something, or ask for help, I keep telling him not to disrespect me or if he can’t cope with me avoid me ,he said he will do this, the conversation is over a hour as he interups blames me for talking to much, I said he dosent talk to others like this , him they don’t go on, me telling him not to eye roll, be condescending, please not get annoyed when I’m in pain or severe (detail removed by Moderator) allergies he knows how serious it can be, I was distressed one time he hugged me ,he said he loved me I believed him even though he shows and has said he can’t stand to be around me, I stick up for myself, he has a go and me for trying to explain please me nicer as he dose with everyone else, I cause him most problems, I’ve suffered severely throat closing , whole body rashes, severe asthma ,and lately a severe abscess and he got annoyed at me for mentioning, he mentioned s stuff loads of time ,I dont I know I bothered and tonight,I’m at the point where I cant cope with living with him, he’s blamed me I bring out the worst I him ,he told me to kill myself as I said he wasn’t being very nice, told me recently I was needy over sensitive as I asked for kindness like he shows others I told him how his behaviour is hurtful and really affecting me, sarcastic comments, snarling at me, as I offered to help, him screamed in my face, im mentally ill, he said I said sorry he heard me talking about him, he said I was difficult as I asked to be taken to hospital for blood tests, I turn things around to me, even though I could be affected by the illness someone else had , I mentioned I missed hi. Being the old him, im trying to not annoy him, he said he regretted by me a Xmas present, he said im trying to manipulate him as I said another time so be nice to me? He said he would try then stops trying his hormone replacement is making him worse, im opermistic for some reason, then I feel i want out ,sorry how do I get out? Will I be punished for not leaving sooner, I cant stay strong i will I could just leave, I stupidly thought as he said he loved me and we have watched TV and got on some of the time things would go back to how is was, im feeling like an idiot for believing him when he cried and said he loved me and told me he would be back to his old self, he says people say mean things, but I have a memory of him saying its my fault ive got hair loss , I will rip it of he said, blamed me said about me crying for attention, called me mental for getting things I said im a nice person he looked at me like yeah right a right he said im not being horrible says or cruel .I want to leave sorry for long post , please say there’s a way out ,I got told I could take the wrrough with the smooth, I dont want to stay, he said if im so nasty why iam I here ? I wish I knew. How do I get out is it me, I said I tried changing for him but he said I hadn’t changed he wanted us to talk about to work on our relationship, then he gets annoyed with me for talking about stuff, he blames me for ripping him to spreads having a at him ,all saying or ever saying is please be nicer or if you can’t cope with me then ill avoid him ,spend time alone, so I’ve done this for weeks, I still get him annoyed for being ill, or showing any emotion for anything, I cant win, ive kept a diary ,will that help, will peolpe believe me, im scared please won’t believe me, everyone loves him, if I raise my voice ever or show anger at his mean comments, no oh, at things things I get this alot I cant help im in pain ,he has given me the odd hug, he has said fair enough but then goes back to being mean, my mum cant help me, ive been let down by so many people, he blames me , I tried so hard to be happy jokey, fun its never enough, im sick of not being appriated. I cant have a bad day or show, emotions ,he gets annoyed alot he uses things against me he previously understood, he listens then dosent listen says mean things then blames me for mean things then says I talk to much, why can’t he be nice to me, ? Why is he nice/nasty he moves the goal posts its then something else then another things different I did to annoyed him, I cant win, the lockdown makes it worse, he convinces me he will make an effort, if I stand up for myself im back chatting, or I have an attitude, I ve said I dont like being treated like c**p , he says I play the victim, we have decided to not talk to each other, ive done this before I know its temporary as he finds something else that he dosent like. Sorry for long post please help

[Empoweredhealing]

Please read about the cycle of abuse. It sounds like he’s rapidly cycling through the cycle over and over again, dragging you along for the heartache and pain. Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft books are also very helpful to explain to you what’s happening. What you are experiencing is severe verbal and emotional abuse.

[Blueshoe]

Hi thanks for replying, I haven’t slept, I cant tell him that he said when I haven’t slept as he says i I have no control over my emotions, its not true ive kept things s from him, I meant to say he accused me of ripping him to shreds , and saying im self obsessed as I mentioned a severe infection spreading from some else in the house to me, I miss spelt, he told me I dont need to say stuff when I said did, when I said I missed the loving side afew times said im needy, I try not asking for help, I will read the books ,I get eye rolls, so I feel silenced, I said this ,he accused me of being a feminist, and tell sexist jokes, women don’t know when to shut up,he dimises me, ive tried not getting angry ,im trauma bonded I know it he’s even said I was, his family dont like me ,so thought if I left they would say more stuff, I just want a way out ,someone who will listen, he’s said im mentally ill I was distressed by him, calls me derogatory pet names, convinces me he joking digs as jokes says I cant understand his jokes, gets annoyed if I fall over if im in pain gets annoyed and says I push him by talking too much,im explaining I wanted to be treated with respect and kindness he sahe said I was manipulating him for just saying be nice, as I said he’s so lovely to others ,he accused me of doing stuff he dose, I said he’s driving me away your driving yourself away, he said he’s lost respect for me as I’ve lost respect for him ,I came down again to try and settle things, he makes noses as I talk still,

[Anonymous]

Hi Blueshoe,

Good morning, I’m sorry to hear you haven’t been to sleep. Can you get your coat and shoes on and take yourself for a little walk and some fresh air? Just a walk round the block or whatever will help to calm you a little.

Whatever you say he is going to turn it around and twist it or deny it or minimise it or manipulate it. This is what they do. No doubt you are feeling like you are going crazy but you’re not crazy. We call it ‘crazy making’ or ‘gaslighting’. It’s psychological abuse. It’s why you are feeling like you are, you are having your mind messed about with.

If you can get out of the house and take yourself for a little walk by yourself, perhaps say you need to go to the shops and get a pint of milk or whatever, just this small amount of time away from him and out of the toxic environment you’re in, will let you re-read our posts and get some perspective. You could also use this time to contact Women’s Aid or call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Please also look at the books EmpoweredHealing suggested to you and purchase them as soon as you can. The quicker you can understand what is happening to you and why, the sooner you will start to feel better and make your exit from this toxic relationship and the abuse.

x

[Anonymous]

The books are:

Living with The Dominator by Pat Craven
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft

There are others but for now, these are a great place to start.

You’ll also find free video and audio resources on YouTube and the internet by people such as Richard Grannon, Melanie Tonia Evans, Inner Integration and many more.

Keep posting x

[Blueshoe]

Hi thanks, I do feel like I’m going crazy, thanks for clarifying, it seems more and more he gets annoyed with, he sucks me back in by giving me promises ,sweet smiles promises, he will change, I emailed a abuse councelor hopefully she will help, my gut feeling is when I do have the guts to leave him will claim its me , I will read those books past counselor s didnt understand I need to find one that does. I will try and go for a walk, I cant face another lockdown with him he works from home and I dont work, so I will try and get out as much as possible, thanks I really thought it was me.

[Anonymous]

Getting a job is a great way to build your self-esteem up, get some independence and take back control of your life. When the opportunity arises and you feel you can, try to start thinking about training, studying or applying for jobs. I realise it’s tough out there at the moment but it doesn’t stop you from thinking about it and reading up about things.

If you need an excuse to leave the house more than you normally would because of lock-down and being shut in with him, you can always use the excuse or reason to be out to exercise. Exercise is another excellent way a lot of us ladies get to feel better about ourselves. It works wonders for our mental health. Just walking everyday or as much as you can, will help little by little.

[Empoweredhealing]

You are not crazy and this is not just in your head.
Your feelings are completely normal for a person to feel when subjected to this kind of psychological abuse. He’s using every tool in the abuser’s tool kit against you right now. No wonder that you are in such pain and confusion. Because he’s irrational, using rational arguments will not work.
When my ex was doing this to me, I was literally in a fetal position physically and psychologically for weeks. The only thing that works is to separate from him and his abuse as much as possible.
Take as much physical space away from him as you can. Learn about abuse so you can psychologically protect yourself from him.

[Author]

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