Help & advice needed please

[Inaflap]

Hello all

I am new to this forum and I gain so much strength from reading your posts and replies. You guys are amazing; thank you. This has given me the confidence to ask for your advice please.

I found the strength to leave my abusive ex nearly (Detail removed by Moderator) years ago when the control and sexual violence came to a point were I was too scared to go to sleep in case I didn’t wake up. I did not want to leave my children with only my ex as their parent and my eldest was starting to pick up and witness some of the behaviour from my ex towards me. We are now divorced and I have custody of our children, with my ex having access rights (Detail removed by Moderator) a week. We have both moved on and the children have been amazing; accepting our new partners well. I still have flashbacks due to what I was put through but my new OH has been so understanding and supportive.

However, when the children were dropped off to me (Detail removed by Moderator), my ex said “see you when I get back” to them. I knew that my ex was going on holiday and not taking the children, and the children will now not see their other parent until sometime in (Detail removed by Moderator). They were really upset by this, which I understood. However, it was not agreed that they would not see them from (Detail removed by Moderator) until (Detail removed by Moderator). They were meant to have their usual contact with them this week. I was not informed of this. When I questioned it, my ex got aggressive and defensive and the tone in their voice changed and did the look in their eye. It reminded me how they used to look at me before an “episode” happened and I thought “Here we go again…”

I tried to calmly explain that they had not told me that the children would not be seeing them this week. They argued that they had told me that this was the case (they hadn’t, I checked! I am good with dates and would’ve remembered something like this) and had told the children that too. I said that they needed to tell me and not the children (it later transpired that they told the children they would not be seeing them this coming week at the weekend).

Needless to say, it was awful and my attempts to have a rational, calm chat about it fell on deaf ears and my ex displayed all the usual anger “tells”; pacing up and down on my drive, looking away, clenching the jaw, playing with the car key, clenching and relaxing their fist etc. I was slightly scared and ushered my children, who also looked scared by this point, as calmly and reassuringly as I could into the house. I shut the door and tried to explain to my ex that they need to be clearer in their communication with me, and we need to mutually agree matters about the children together, and not dictate to one another (not that I do as that is very disrespectful in my opinion and I refuse to treat my ex how they treat me!) what is happening as it makes the children feel like weapons being used against either parent, which is TOTALLY unacceptable in my book.

My ex clearly harbours a massive amount of anger towards me STILL after (Detail removed by Moderator) years. I can only presume that this is because I found the strength to leave and have managed to cope without them, despite their parting words of “good luck surviving without me(!) You will come crawling back. You won’t do better than me”. I fear that me proving them wrong by not just surviving but blossoming without them (and I have been so blessed since leaving!) has compounded their anger and hurt their pride even more than merely walking away did. I have concerns about how this anger has/may/will affect the children. I have already had to sit my ex down before (Detail removed by Moderator) to explain how their words and behaviour are impacting on the two innocent children in the middle of us.

So, my question to you is this: Do I have grounds to cease the contact my ex has with the children until my ex gets the help they need to address their issues with unresolved anger? Can I insist on that? The children don’t know their other parent abused me, as that was between their other parent and I, and I don’t want that knowledge to affect the relationship they have with their other parent. They have been told all sorts of lies about me in an attempt to turn the children away from me, but I refuse to do that. They are my children and not weapons! It was not their fault I left. I want my children to have a good relationship with their other parent, especially as they don’t live with them.

Thank you for reading. Any advice you can offer would be most gratefully received.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there, so sorry you are experiencing this.
In the short term – maybe it is good that he is going on holiday as it will give you a chance to think through and put some things in place that will support you going forward, in a considered fashion.
And also to get some more advice.

The bit I have at the moment is to get yourself as far away from this conflict as possible.
You mention meeting him in your house.
To my mind what is needed is handovers in a neutral place i.e. library or train station with CCTV.
This was recommended by WA in the past.
The reason for this is twofold:
Firstly you will no longer be the target of abusive behaviour
Secondly you can no longer be accused (wrongly) or abusive behaviour yourself.

If your ex is not obeying the court order he can be taken to court, I believe.
Sorry not to offer more at this point but at least you know you have my moral support.
I’m sure others will have other insights.
keep safe
ftc
x

[Inaflap]

Hey FTC
Thank you for coming back to me and for your moral support.
I agree with your comments – I want to make an objective not emotive decision which is right for my children and not for any other reason. I am acutely aware of the ramifications of doing nothing or doing the wrong thing. Ultimately, they are the ones who are as affected by such behaviour, not just me and I don’t them to grow up scared or damaged as a result of the behaviour of those that are their role models in life.
IAF x

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