Help and advice

[Stitch by stitch]

Hi

I am looking for help and advice regarding my current situation. I am in a marriage that i no longer want to be in due to the fact that i am being controlled and his coercive behavior. I realised this a while ago. To my shame, i kind of knew about this when I met him because of what he told me about his past. I admit that at the time I ignored it.

I dont know how to leave this marriage, safely. He has said to me, more than once, that if he had enough money he would go – we aren’t wealthy by any means. He then also said we cant seperate because we are financially tied. This is what i am struggling with. We rent our house, only the tenancy is in both our names, we both have our wages paid into our own personal bank accounts; we just put money for household bills into a joint account. We do not have any joint credit cards, we have seperate credit card debt; there are no loans. My question is, does this make us financially tied?

The coercive side of things is, in the past i have gone along his idea and expectation of going with other men so he can watch, as it is what he likes and enjoys.For a long time now, I have not wanted to do this anymore and i have tried to explain this to him. (detail removed by moderator) He has never taken my feeling into account even though he knows I don’t like doing it. He has video and photos of these encounters and I am scared that if I end the marriage by walking away, these will become public. My family do not know about this side of things.

We have both been married before. (detail removed by moderator) I can see history is starting to repeat itself.

There have been many times when he has said horrible things to me. (detail removed by moderator)

The other aspect of the controlling is he is always inviting his adult son to things we are supposed to be doing as a couple. (detail removed by moderator). It has made me feel unsafe in my personal surroundings. He also controls what type of food i can eat and to an extent, what i wear.

I need advice on how to know if we are financially tied and how i can stop him from making those intimate images / videos of me public. I also need advice on how to protect my finances following a divorce.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi stitchbystitch, I was so sad to read how badly your husband is treating you…. the videos and photos you mention, it is a serious offence if he threatens or does post online.

There are solictors who offer free 30 mins appointments, I would suggest booking in with a few to find out your financial rights. Also, Rights For Women is a free confidential helpline offering Advice.

He is saying about being financially tied to keep himself there but it isn’t true…as if you can’t sort it between yourselves (as my husband and I couldn’t because he is a lying, controlling bully) then a judge will eventually decide (I am upto that stage). For now, your local Women’s Aid can support you if you contact them.

No judgements here, when I met my husband I didn’t know what red flags were but I had some doubts about Him and I squashed them down.

Keep posting ❤️

[Stitch by stitch]

Thank you. I have tried to reach out to my local women’s aid, but didn’t get a response to my email.

I will certainly look at free advice from a solicitor and try Rights for Women.

Thanks again

[Lost lady]

Hi StitchbyStitch x
Maybe try speaking to the Citizens Advice Bureau – that’s next on my list
My situation is different to yours as we jointly own a property and he is refusing to separate, said we have to stay together for the sake of the kids. It may be easier with a tenancy agreement but still get some advice.
I did a half hour free session with a family law solicitor free of charge
My husband always goes on saying he wants to watch me with other women but i have refused point blank. I am sure legally he cannot share anything without your consent, so speak to the solicitor about that one

I think deep down most of us knew there were red flags and ignored them until we couldn’t ignore them any longer

Sending love x

[Hereforhelp]

If you have proof…message or recording of him threatening to make the images he has taken of you public or show to your loved ones the police take a serious stance on revenge porn xx

[Camel]

Yes, you have financial ties but fortunately they are minimal and you can (and should) take steps to sever them.

If both your names are on a tenancy agreement then you are both liable for the rent. You need to remove yourself from the tenancy. How you do this depends on whether it’s a fixed term or a month to month. You are jointly liable for all rent remaining on a fixed term. If your partner refuses to pay then the landlord can come after both of you. It’s really important to read the detail of the agreement – when it ends, if you need to give notice.

However, often fixed term tenancies turn into rolling tenancies once the initial fixed term is up. If you haven’t signed a new fixed term agreement and you’ve been a tenant longer than the initial term, then you have a rolling tenancy. In this situation you only need to issue the landlord with a notice to quit (send it recorded). You don’t need your partner’s permission or agreement. He can stay in the property but this will need to be renegotiated between him and the landlord. You won’t need to get involved though you might struggle to get your share of the deposit back.

You will also be tied financially on household bills – council tax, utilities, broadband, streaming and so on. As soon as you quit the tenancy you’ll need to remove your name from bills. This may mean paying off any arrears. Give them a forwarding address so you’re always aware of any issues.

Individuals named on a joint bank account are legally allowed to withdraw all the money. Both parties are liable if the account is in the red, regardless of who spent it. So it’s really important to get your name removed. You’ll need to speak to your bank as a priority, before you leave. If you can’t get your name removed, ask them what they can do to protect you from his debt.

In theory, married partners equally share assets and debts. However, the division of assets isn’t automatically handled during the divorce. As you have no major assets such as property you should be able to walk away with minimal hassle. But get a detailed credit check, just in case there’s debt he’s created in your name. Change passwords to your personal bank accounts and maybe remove apps from your phone until you’ve moved out. Better safe than sorry.

Regarding the images he has of you, unfortunately you can’t stop him distributing them. But, if he does this without your consent, or even threatens to do it, he faces up to 2 years in prison if found guilty. I totally get why you’re scared but try not allow something that may or may not happen keep you trapped.

Try to focus only on the stuff you have control over. And, honestly, you’re closer to leaving than you think. Sort the finances, then you’re free to go. 🙂

[Stitch by stitch]

Hi

Thank you for your kind words. (detail removed by Moderator). We are past the initial agreed term of the tenancy and knowing the tenancy laws, it is just one months notice to the landlord to terminate the tenancy. He paid the deposit (detail removed by Moderator), so I am not expecting to see anything of the deposit.

Thanks again. I’m feeling a bit more knowledgeable now. 🙂

[Rainydays]

Hello
I hear your pain when it comes to your other half wanting you to go with other men, which he likes but you do not.
Mine is the same, but so far I have got away with not indulging him in this but he sends me texts every day saying he’s lining up blokes to come to the house, meet me, take me out and have *** with me. It’s like he thinks I am a prostitute. We have no intimacy, no hugs, kisses, holding hands, nothing – we live in silence, he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t even look up from the sofa when I walk in the house/room and yet he sends me texts telling me to basically get out there – flash at blokes and get myself ***** and then go home to him, tell him all about it and then he’ll be nice to me. And of course, if I loved him, I would do this for him.
I feel so sick and scared that one day I will go home and he’ll have bloke(s) there waiting – because that’s what he threatens all the time.
Stay strong and as for any photographs/videos he has – there are laws now to stop him distributing them and if he even tries – contact the police immediately.
Stay safe.

[Author]

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