Help and advice please

[Mime]

So I’ve ended the relationship and he’s agreed to leave but needs time to sort himself out somewhere to go.

In the meantime he’s in the house and making my life pure misery. He’s insulting and berating me – swearing at me, tying me in knots with his arguments and anger.

I’m so anxious and am spending my time appeasing him, but he’s getting worse all the time.

I dont know how to get through this. He can be so vindictive and I’m afraid of what he’ll do.

I dont know whether to carry on trying to appease him, or ignore him completely, or try to stand up to him.
I’m not able to leave, the reasons are complicated and its not something I can go into here. I just don’t know how to keep going.

[KIP.]

He’s going nowhere. I’d get the police involved, secretly record his abuse if you can do so safely and ring the police. There are new laws to remove abusers and this is the most dangerous time for you when you end the relationship and he loses control. His behaviour is going to escalate and you are in immediate danger. Talk to your local womens aid for support and advice. Keep your phone on you at all times fully charged.

[KIP.]

He’s insulting and berating me – swearing at me, tying me in knots with his arguments and anger.
This is illegal behaviour. Putting you in a state of fear and distress. Talk to the police domestic abuse unit. Don’t wait.

[Bananaboat]

Kip’s right and said the same to me months ago, guess what my ex is still here. They won’t leave – why would they we feed, pay for them, take on all responsibilities and put up with them – we’re the mouse the cat plays with. Mine lies about looking for places and does the classic abuser deflection and twist, turning it into I’m destroying his health…ok then. Mine always controlled money he input but now he’s barely paying anything leading to me covering even more bills and drowning.

Sorry to say it but you’ll need to take the lead. I don’t know if you own/rent. If you own, get some legal advice. Your local council housing dept can support you with a lot in these circumstances too, help with deposits for renting etc.

I fully sympathise with your situation, I’m in the same and it’s so hard. Mine had been away recently working and I’ve tasted life without him, it’s heaven and the kids are so relaxed, even silly things like watching cartoons at the weekend are bliss. Unfortunately he’s returning soon and I’m dreading it. I want to move on. As for what to do now, whether you appease him or not he’ll still be an abuser, I’ve learnt to do my own thing, live my life separately to him as much as possible. Remain calm and polite as he’ll push you for a response – it’s fun to him. But at least doing you’re one thing (and for me this is cooking my own meals, going upstairs with the kids rather than trying to stay in the front room, so not big things) you’ll feel a bit more in control. Good luck, sending big hugs xx

[Mime]

Thank you Kip and Bananaboat for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.

He’s now given me a date when he’s leaving, so I’ll see if that happens. For now he’s being less hostile but I’m still walking on eggshells and anxious all the time I’m in the house with him 🙁 I’m worried he won’t leave, but I’ll wait till that date comes because if he leaves of his own accord that would be amazing.

Although it’ll also make me doubt myself and think maybe he wasn’t as bad as I thought and what if he never was abusive. But when I think about all the cruel, degrading and belittling things he’s said and done I think that kind people just don’t do those things.

[Anonymous]

My husband has threatened to leave me endless amounts of times , at first he would watch me crumble , cry , feel sick stop eating , it’s like he enjoyed to control then he would get me gifts and be nice to the children.

Now when he says it I say go , no tears just go … the date comes and goes again and he is still here , to the point I hate him , I hate everything about him , I stay out the way because I no that’s this is going to keep happening .

I hope you can keep your self safe and I totally get how you must be feeling , sorry I’m no help 🙁

[Mime]

Thanks so much for your reply Yellow-flower – you are a help 🙂 I can relate to what you write and it helps so much to know that others are, or have been, in a similar situation – it helps me feel less alone and that may be the most valuable and kind thing anyone can give.
Thank you xx

[Bananaboat]

It definitely helps to not feel alone! I keep wondering just how many of us are living like this. Our homes should be places we love being, not places we dread x

[lostblonde]

I’m really sorry to hear that this is happening for you, it sounds tough! Have you thought about contacting a family solicitor? They can help apply for injunctions, to stop him contacting you and to get him out of the house.

I hope that he does move out without fuss.

[Author]

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