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Hello,
Firstly sorry for the essay I have so much to say I need to get it off my chest…
I am new on here and it is only down to my Auntie who has been a god send and I can’t thank her enough that I have actually tried to get help and advise on how to understand my relationship.. The next part is trying to leave, which is so hard to do even though you do think to yourself why are you putting up with it? Why don’t you just walk? the amount of times I’ve just sat there with voices going around and around in my head planning on how to leave, what would be the best way, the way that will get less of a reaction as I am not built as a person to deal with these situations I would rather run away and let someone else deal with this bit for me and make it go away.. But that obviously isn’t going to happen.
I really don’t know where to start, before I met my partner (detail removed by moderator) ago I had been in a long term relationship from a young age. My partner had cheated on me a couple of times, the 2nd time was a lot worse do to the circumstances (detail removed by moderator). I have always lacked confidence, never thought highly of myself and didn’t really have a group of friends so my time was spent with family. I took on our house on my own and I was just getting back on my feet when I met my partner.Things started off well we got talking over messages all the time, we eventually met up after a month. Lovely looking guy, would always compliment you, say the things any girl would like to here and we shared the same goals in life and had also been treated the same in previous relationships. I was smitten with him I honestly thought finally I’ve met the right guy! Now I wish things were totally different and for the first time wish I was single and hadn’t rushed into finding someone.
After about a month or so, he would send messages showing his insecurity by saying I can’t do this you will just hurt me like the others I can’t be hurt again, this would be a consent thing along with I love you, you’re my world please don’t hurt me or leave me… (detail removed by moderator) I went back and forth for a few months with the comments of I can’t do this anymore, randomly blocking my number off calls and messages.. It was making me panic and worry, I was begging for him not to leave as I didn’t want another failed relationship or to be left again, it sent an anxious feeling in my stomach making me feel sick and then I couldn’t eat but once things were sorted I’d start to calm down and then again out of the blue would say the same things again. It was affecting work as obviously when I went to send a message in work I would find out I was blocked so I would walk out in a panic ringing him constantly till he answered and reassuring him I wasn’t going to leave, sometimes find myself phoning in sick so I could drive over to him. I found out after him changing the story so many times that (detail removed by moderator)… then one night when he was round I was on my period and he tried it on I said no not while I’m on but I guess because I’d pushed him away and said no it made him feel embarrassed and he got angry started coming out with nasty comments wouldn’t let me near him, I sat there in tears but he wasn’t bothered he continued to go on his phone and nasty comments then fell to sleep. When I went to drive him home again he carried on with the wind ups telling me we was over and the comments kept coming I was driving in the car so anxious crying my eyes out panicking, he would put songs on through the car where he could change the lyrics and sing something else instead to upset me. I remember driving back home that night struggling to breathe crying and once I had got home about midnight I had a call he apologised for everything said he shouldn’t of said all that stuff and made me feel like that, but it was because I made him feel like I didn’t want him. Anyway he confessed on the phone that he hadn’t been telling the truth and he’d not long split from his ex, so turns out he was seeing me whilst with her… If that is true who knows the story still changes to this date!
(Detail removed by moderator)
I could literally go on and on but I’ll bullet point things from here:
– I was due to go away again, he said if I went then we would be over so I ended up cancelling my holiday letting a friend down lying to them and paid her back for the money she lost as I felt guilt and I also lost the money for my flight – (detail removed by moderator)
– I have a hobby its a family thing, he didn’t really like the idea of it at first (detail removed by moderator)… I started making up excuses to my dad for not going at the start which he knew wasn’t right as I never miss it. One day he asked me to go I was like no you won’t be here when I get home. I went and was messaging him (Detail removed by moderator). Was panicking because I was stuck in traffic, I tried messaging and it wouldn’t go through… Yep he’d blocked me again, (detail removed by moderator)
(Detail removed by moderator)
– A weekend away he looked at my phone and found someone on there which I hadn’t accepted the request for didn’t even know it was there. Started questioning me of who it was tell me now got really angry walked out of the hotel and decided to carry it on in public. Again nasty comments winding me up about other women, telling me his cheated on me he doesn’t care started showing me messages from his ex and saying it wasn’t over when he said.
– His commented on the clothes I wear to work saying you can see straight down that, are you really wearing that to work, I sometimes have to put vest tops on under my t-shirts as you can see through. He will say he doesn’t want other people seeing what only he should see otherwise what makes me special to him then if everyone else has seen.
– At first wasn’t keen with me talking to people at works (detail removed by moderator), didn’t like me going to the pub at lunch for drink with them. Doesn’t like me having banter with them. I am accused of cheating with people at work especially one in common.
– Sometimes when I work late he would prefer me working from home than the office, I have even gone as far as sending videos and photos to show I am at work and no one is about. I now panic about being there late and rush home.
(Detail removed by moderator)
– When we have arguments and his upset or angry he gets back at me emotionally calls me all the names which he knows gets to me, tells me his cheated, winds me up about women, threatens me with MY HOUSE, says I don’t blame or ex for cheating on you its deserved.
– When he wants sex which his is obsessed with and boobs.. there is no way I can say no if I do or word it in another way, emotional abuse name calling says his had sex elsewhere or he will go bathroom sort himself out as he has photos on his phone of all the women has been with.
– After my holiday he was staying over more due to distance and I guess we was seeing each other every night, think also as he wondered what I was doing, I suggested moving in he said no im not there is no security you could literally kick me out at any time and I’d have nowhere to go and I can’t move back home. I suggested going on the mortgage, anyway when the mortgage was going through he was asking random questions out the blue like I am entitled to half, you are definitely putting me on you can’t just kick me out, eventually when the papers come through he was like it’s not fair to go half we will go 00/00 … WORSE MISTAKE EVER!!!!!!!! As now I feel like he has control and uses this against me when saying just hurry and pay me out. His paid nothing into the house I granted it him to show I was committed and to reassure him I wasn’t going to cheat or leave him thinking that by doing this it would help him to calm down. I WAS WRONG!
– I literally have no money left at end of each month as I pay all the bills mainly because I don’t want him to so he cant use that against me with the house, I pay most of the time when out and if he does he makes it known. I drop everything for him, even if I am on the phone I ask to call back to answer to him.
– I have ended up on anxiety/depression tablets to try and calm me down as I was missing work, panicking a lot; not eating thinking it was easier to end my life than deal with anymore. Felt I couldn’t tell no one, felt trapped and guilty like I must be doing something wrong… doctors wanted me to do counselling he was against it and said you don’t need that all the pills because we know it is me that’s the problem. So I came off them
– (Detail removed by moderator) I went out with work which he wasn’t happy about it was panicking; I told him it was only certain people. I sent photos and came home after like 1.5 hours. He said that wasn’t as bad as I thought and he could handle that more often. I just come out with I can’t do this anymore, he already had all his stuff packed from a new nights before when he kicked off and I said you can’t keep all women in your pocket and he pushed me and punched (detail removed by moderator). Anyway he was crying his eyes out don’t leave me please don’t ill change I know I have problems… Over the weekend I went into a proper low mood didn’t get out of bed was phoning the bank to take him off the mortgage wasn’t allowed for 6 months and this was only a month in, I was messaging family and friends apologising and explaining what’s happened, a close friend at work who was trying to make light of what was there to cheer me up… (detail removed by moderator).
– He sent me a load of text messages on my work event nasty messages making me feel like I was wrong to be there, a couple of days later he made me try on the dress I wore to see how revealing it was.
– I am now living a triple life with work, family and him
– He doesn’t believe a word I say now because of what happened at the end of the year and his more paranoid than ever. Is constantly bringing up the past saying it is all my fault I have drove a wedge between my family and him all because of what I told them bearing in mind they already knew talking amongst themselves
– His become violent overtime but more so lately, slaps across the face, made my nose bleed the other day, has spat at me (detail removed by moderator), he punched my hand whilst on gear stick and snapped my false nails, his pushed me against a door and grabbed me by the collar of my hoodie, his back handed me across my mouth/cheek whilst driving. His wound me up that much whilst driving ive just slammed my brakes on and just thought about ploughing it into the first thing I see, I had a speeding fine come through the other day as I was concentrating due to us arguing. All these are my fault and because of what ive said that’s caused him to do the things his done and if I hadn’t said them things then it wouldn’t have happened.
– I have noticed lately I am snapping and getting frustrated which I think his noticed, he seems to up the anty try the victim and guilt. I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong. His even got me being paranoid and quizzing him over where he is and what his doing due to all the wind ups and lies. I am becoming as bad….
– I send photos now of when I’m at family members or when I know he doesn’t believe me.
There is so much more but maybe I can just add in another day, I know deep down I need to leave but the good days overwrite and then I think I am not going to be able to get out, I can sort the mortgage situation out very soon and this scares the life out of me because I don’t know how to approach the topic or what to say, I could do with some advice on how I get out of this, everyone says just leave and go to a family members house but I don’t want to because of my house, I have tried to suffer this out until I can sort the house out but now I don’t know what to do when this day arrives.
I feel so guilty that I have counselling behind his back, that the police were involved at one point due to a family member but I told them its fine I can sort it, I feel like I’m causing it I don’t want to be the bad person and get him into trouble as that isn’t me. I feel stupid because I know its wrong but I want to be with but know I can’t as its wrong! I don’t want to be on my own again and im worried about what will happen when this ends. I have lost close relationships with family as I am trying to keep them out of it and deal with it on my own.PLEASE HELP AND ADVICE OF A PLAN..AM I GOING MAD AS MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT IS GOING TO EXPLODE AND EVERYDAY I FEEL SICK AND ANXIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT TRYING TO PLOD ON WITH HIM LIKE ALL IS OK. EVERYTHING I DO I THINK ABOUT HIM AND WHAT HE WOULD SAY OR DO. I DON’T FEEL LIKE A VICTIM I DON’T FEEL LIKE ITS ABUSE I JUST FEEL LIKE ITS ME AND MY FAULT
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Wow, first things first. Welcome to the forum 💞 have you been advised to contact womens aid yet. This forum has been a godsend from the moment I first posted. I’m sorry I couldn’t read all of your post, I’m in the process of leaving my oh and found it hard to read, but I wanted to tell you how brave you’ve been in posting on here and that there is a way out of this but it’s only as hard or easy as you want it to be. Most of us can only take baby steps out of this, but I have read a few ladies stories who’ve literally seemed to post fir a few weeks or months and then they’re gone, they’ve left.😊 Everything is decided by you, on your terms💞we are here to support and guide you as much as you want us to. It’s a hard journey to go on but you’ve taken your first step, so well done my friend. The most important thing to remember is don’t let him know what you are planning. these are not normal breakups, you cannot reason with them, the goalposts will just change constantly. He’ll do anything to discredit you. Please be extra vigilant. the more you learn, you will change, you might not think you are, but your oh will pick up on the slightest change in you. Have you ever heard of the FOG of abuse, this stands for fear obligation and guilt. There’s also something called trauma bonding, like Stockholm syndrome. If you can manage to read anything safely, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominater by Pat Craven. You can download them but maybe be safer, if you could get the books sent to a family members and read them there. We do whatever it takes to be safe and to get out. Have you ever spoken to your doctor about how his behaviour is affecting you. The local WA usually have solicitors they use who are versed in DA and they can advise you on how to untangle from him financially and physically, and more importantly, safely. You are not alone in this my love, we will help and guide you through this, we’ll be beside you and behind you every step of the way.
Take care, be safe, you’ll do this, someday you’ll be free 💞💞IWMB-
Hi WantMeBack and thank you for your post, I really appreciate the support.
I am really sorry to hear you are going through the same but in the same way I am glad to hear that you are trying to leave that takes guts something I don’t quite have yet, but hearing others trying to leave makes me feel more determined to want to try too,I totally understand you not being able to read everything, it was a long post and one that once I started writing I couldn’t stop as so much has happened and you wonder where the best place to start and end is so you all get the full picture as in my head I feel like maybe I am reading him wrong misunderstanding what his doing, maybe he didn’t mean it in this way and I am painting him out to be a bad person.
I have already spoke to womens aid, infact I went in one day during work to talk to them, they said about putting me on the list for the 12 week programme and for counselling but I haven’t heard anything since so decided to press on in other ways.
I went through counselling through work but this wasn’t great so two close relatives offered to pay for private which I have nearly one session a week but I feel bad for spending their money as I feel like I am wasting it as it looks like I am not doing anything.
I am trying so hard to keep things calm and plod on like everything is fine so his not suspicious and I think when he does get suspicious he turns on the victim and making me feel guilty and saying I feel like you don’t want me or your going to leave like before, I feel so bad lying to him saying everything is fine. I just don’t know what the best way to do it is as im not a bad person and im full of guilt. My dad is so hard to talk to as I am his baby and the youngest his struggling really bad to understand and so are most of the family as they cant understand why I don’t just tell me to **** off and leave him.
Please keep in touch if you need to talk and need support in leaving I would like to help where I can. Good luck !! xx
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Hi I’m just rereading your post and you mentioned that the bank would remove him from the mortgage but it would take so many months. Can you go back into them and speak either with mtg consultant and the manager explain how you have been coerced and are suffering from DA particularly financial abuse . One of the girls in my bank went through this a few years ago, so you’ll find they could be more supportive then you realise. Good luck.
IWMB 💞💞
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its him its not you – your insecurities are driving you though – i was exactly the same as you i felt vulnerable,wanted to cling on to him, i was scared, i didnt know where to turn and could not find a way out. im (detail removed by moderator) years on now i had kids with him – he spat on me and abused me infront of them he also hit my eldest.
dont go on like this, you need support – call womens aid and get them to help you with a safe plan to get out. they will help you sort out the mortgage too. your family will come back to you once your away from him xx i know this is really hard your scared and your bonded to him in an unhealthy way – as strong as a drug you have to give up – you have to give up on him now to ever have a better life. call the help line that is a good start they will offer you alternative accomodation – dont think this is your fault he sounds very needy and insecure – he is being abusive to you in every way – i was the same + the longer you stay the harder it is to leave he will destroy you. this is your life, your young and you have everything to live for the world will be your oyster – take some guidance from the help line x*x much love and hugs diymum
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Hi DIYMUM and thank you for your reply, I am really grateful.
That is exactly how it feels.. like a drug. addiction that you keep going back to and don’t want to give up on. You see the good times and then forget about the bad, don’t get me wrong at the time of the bad I really just want to get up and walk.
I am lucky in the sense that I have places I can go to I am just choosing not too because im petrified what is on the other side and im scared to make that risk whereas at the moment I know the bubble im in even though it isn’t good.
I have been in touch with women’s aid but didn’t hear back from them so carried on going through other routes.
This was my house and I chose to add him onto the mortgage to show commitment and that he trust me… he wants paying out. He changes his mind all the time never means what he says. One day he could be threatening me wanting his payout out now so he can do one the next his on about saving for a deposit for our next house. I am trying to control the situation to get him off the mortgage and because of everything his said about wanting to come off I have booked an appointment to do so however now his gone back to saying he wants to stay on it I am petrified of the day arising.
Just really wish there was an easy way out.
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Hi there and welcome to the forum,
You are so brave for posting, so give yourself some credit for that. Some things really stood out for me and first of all this is abuse. This is in fact many different kinds of abuse – and none of it is your fault in any way no matter how he tries to rationalise, justify, explain, whatever. It is not your fault. You write that you worry you are becoming just as bad as him. I’ve recently read about reactive abuse and I can say I’ve done this. I’ve “abused right back”, sometimes I shouted back, sometimes I pushed back or pushed away, sometimes I’d scream the same stupid rules (which could include “why don’t you take a photo of where you are” or “well if you are going through my phone, why can’t I go through yours?”) right back at him. I’m not proud of it. But it’s done in reaction to their abuse and wouldn’t happen if they weren’t abusing us. The fact you are also worried you might be turning bad is a sign that you are not bad.
Like IWMB said read about trauma bonding and contact WA when it’s safe for you to do so – you can have them call you at a time where he won’t be there and they can help you. Rights of Women might also be a good thing to look into with regards to the house. I’m not sure I’ve fully understood the situation but if you needed any legal help, they can do that for you. Please confide in your family, it sounds like you have come from a good family who would no doubt help you through all of this if you decide to end the relationship.
It is really good to read you are getting councelling behind his back, cause sweetheart you deserve a safe space to talk about all of this and I do hope you are talking with your therapist about this. It does strike me so odd that he can be so aware that he is in fact the problem and that you wouldn’t need tablets/therapy if it wasn’t for him being in your life – and yet, he does nothing to better himself.
There is also involving the police again, you don’t have to, but these things he is doing to you sweetheart is controlling and coercive behaviour and it’s illegal.
Keep posting on here and stay safe.-
Hi AlwaysSorry.
Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot that people can take the time to read through other peoples problems whilst they have so much going on in there own lives and trying to tackle the same thing.
I can totally relate to you with the reactive abuse, I already went into the relationship with slight paranoia that I could be cheated on again and worrying that I wouldn’t spot it etc… but over the course of the relationship things he would do because of his paranoia and then things he would say like what your OK with me going out with my mates clubbing? well yeah its normal for you to go out with friends… hmm that is the wrong answer as I wouldn’t like you going clubbing I see that for single people, what about if this happened and then you would find him winding me up about different situations to do with ex’s and women so that eventually I would just react the way he wants me to as that is the way he would be with me. He would go on about giving this girl a lift but because he wound me up so much about her Its made me paranoid, his like just admit you don’t want me giving her lifts? why you in denial just stop hiding it and tell me you’re not OK with it… thing is I am but I literally got to the point where I say no I don’t want you to. I did kind of hit him (detail removed by Moderator) because he wound me up that much and I said (detail removed by Moderator), he said (detail removed by Moderator).
I am so paranoid now and on edge has his literally wound me up that much… everything might be going ok we have a general conversation I mentioned (detail removed by Moderator) and he switches with in seconds, (detail removed by Moderator) then the nasty comments start coming out and the wind ups. He calls me a freak and weird, it looks on messages that im the controlling one but ive learnt the tricks and behaviour from him, he don’t see that.
He has said here look through my phone, I say no.. (detail removed by Moderator) and he says (detail removed by Moderator). He does look through my phone now and again or if it goes off he will ask who it is or lean over, but if were arguing he picks up his phone starts messaging and I’ll be like (detail removed by Moderator)
I avoid telling the family (apart from my two aunties) anything because I honestly know they would go off the rails if they ever find out his laid a figure on me and it will be out of my control then, I wont be able to stop them or the consequences. This was my house and I chose to add him onto the mortgage to show commitment and that he trust me… he wants paying out. He changes his mind all the time never means what he says. One day he could be threatening me wanting his payout out now so he can do one the next his on about saving for a deposit for our next house. I am trying to control the situation to get him off the mortgage and because of everything his said about wanting to come off I have booked an appointment to do so however now his gone back to saying he wants to stay on it I am petrified of the day arising.
I went through counselling at work but this wasn’t great so two close relatives offered to pay for private which I have nearly one session a week but I feel bad for spending their money as I feel like I am wasting it as it looks like I am not doing anything. I haven’t told the counselling about all events of violence because I know she will have to report it and again it will be 0ut of my control and I would feel guilty getting him into trouble.
That is why sometimes I feel like sticking around because he points out things, like its not you that’s the problem is it it’s me, you deserve so much better than me, I am such a ***t to you why do you put up with it. The first time I left he said he needs help he needs to go doctors and get help will I go with him.. But its almost like he forgets all about this and what his said before. He also said he spoke to a girl at work about am I in the wrong for not wanting her to go out with lad friends she was like no not at all she shouldn’t want to go out… so he came back and used this saying I aint the problem you have made out its all me and its all in my head when really its not, there is nothing wrong with what I say or do.. I could bring it up and say you told me to stay off the tablets or not get help because we know they will say your the problem and he will say no I never said that. The other day he said (detail removed by Moderator).
I just keep lying to him now saying all is OK carrying on with things when I know in the back of my mind the day is approaching with the mortgage and I don’t know how I am going to get him to sign papers, I am trying everything with him to get him to fall for it.
xx
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your scared and off course your going to be thats how this gets you – its paralysing but this is a stage – it doesent feel like it but it is – because sometimes like me it took lots of abuse until my reaction wasnt fear it was rage. when this happens it can get dangerous for you both to be honest. i let it get to saturation point and looking back i actually put my life at risk. sometimes thats what it takes to jolt us into realising there cant be any worse than this – life can be better than this NANM 🙂 it doesnt feel like it will pan out but it will – one door closes and anither opens xx the important thing is to stay safe – plan ahead and get the gp to help the counselling may help you to get your head round this – do this when your ready and be patient with yourself also keep reading and understanding. dont make the mistake that because he is ‘obsessed with you’ that this is love – its ownership off you – in this day and age you can more than be your own woman with the right support xx love diymum
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I totally understand as I have noticed as I have changed to rage and I think because sometimes I don’t react how I used to by reassuring him begging him etc… lately its turned up into full blown arguments as we both don’t back down and then him getting violent. I am trying to protect my house, I know deep down I should probably get professional help to sort this but I am so scared to do this I feel like the bad one getting others involved and getting him into trouble.
He made me feel so bad at the end of last year saying it is my fault there is now this wedge between him and the family because I caused it by painting him out to be this bad person, this controlling person which he says his not. He says he isn’t like someone who purposely wants to control someone he isn’t choosing to be controlling and telling me what to do he does things because he loves me and cares about me that his scared of loosing me to someone else.
I am also scared that I make a massive mistake and leave, I worry that he will find someone better and change his ways be happy have a family etc which is all I want with him but without all this s***!!
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he wont change his ways for someone else this is who he is. have you looked at n***********c triangulation – blooming long name but what hes doing is drawing other women into this (hypothetically) to make you feel insecure ie now your thinking wht if he meets someone better – this is a tactic to keep you. he sounds very insecure and he will know how this feeling drives people to stay on in a relationship when every one and there own gut is screaming leave. this guy will suck the life out of you. yes you might be on your own for a while and feel all these horrible emotions BUT its the door to a new life. nothing in life is easy and going through this horrible spell is what you need to confront so that you can get your life back again. dont feel bad seeking advice hes brought you to this you havent dont let guilt fear and obligation hold you back. this might be the hardest thing you ever face but i know you can do this xx love diymum
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Hi there sweetheart,
Good to see you posting replies to us and reading more about you. This truly is an amazing place and you shouldn’t apologise for posting a long thread or any thread for that matter. We all have problems, good days, bad days, but what makes this place so good is the solidarity from the ladies on here. The unconditional understanding – so keep writing away, get it all out.
Yes they really do sometimes turn us into the very worst side of us, don’t know. But this is exactly what their abuse is about, it’s to condition us to behave in certain ways until it becomes unclear who made who stop clubbing etc. We say what they’ve told us to say, and they aren’t stupid so they will keep letting us know either by threats, bullying, actual violence, you name it, until we get it right as in “their right”. And then yes, we really do not even look or sound like ourselves anymore. This constant flipping the questions back at you is just… oh it churns my stomach having to read that you’ve gone through that, too. Why can’t they just give a straight answer?
The phones. KIP said something so beautifully the other day but my memory fails me (forgive me KIP! I know your saying was much more eloquent) but essentially in a mutual trusting relationship you wouldn’t mind checking each other’s phone which in turn means you probably wouldn’t even want to because of that trust. And then that gets flipped on us, right. I was not allowed to look anywhere near the vicinity of my ex’s phone when it made whatever beep noise it would make. I had to literally look the other way of the room we were in even if that phone was so far away from me that I couldn’t possibly have seen what the beep was even for. Because otherwise, I was being controlling with his phone. I wasn’t allowed to ask “what’s up?” if he got a text message. I wasn’t allowed to ask “who called, everything ok?”. Yet, he had the PIN to my phone (and my laptop) where everything was logged into and he would go through it from time to time. But I was controlling because I’d sometimes not look away enough or dare ask “what’s up”. I talked to a domestic abuse advisor about this, she told me that even with removing my phone from that story, it was still him that was abusive because in a relationship you have every right to ask “who was that, what’s up, how is John/Jane?” – in fact you should be able to, she said. But they twist and flip it.
With regards to stop going clubbing, I think that’s something that comes naturally in life at one point, you just stop enjoying it either you’ve outgrown it or you prefer doing something else instead. This is a good and healthy reason to stop clubbing. But I have also known people who have become couples and then stopped going clubbing together, if that makes sense. The point is, this should come from oneself, it’s your decision if you enjoy it still or not. If your partner enjoys clubbing and/or did before he got together with you, he could suggest you could go together sometimes? But no, instead it gets used as another way to put you down. I’ve left my clubbing days long behind as had my ex (he said), after some years he decided clubbing was for him (even if he had always said he hated it), so he started going out again, came home drunk and vomitted (but not due to alcohol of course because alcohol doesn’t have an affect of him), then was hungover all of the next day (not hungover according to him because alcohol doesn’t affect him) so I will admit, that got tiresome for me and I wouldn’t want a relationship like that even if it was abuse-free aside of this, I’ve just outgrown it. But that’s the point. We can only decide that for ourselves and not based on what a partner’s colleague who I assume doesn’t know you personally in the slightest thinks. I’m also noticing here that it was a she – it’s funny how he can talk about your relationship on such a personal level to his colleague, but if you have innocent banter with your colleagues it’s out of order! Hypocrisy 🙁
I think it’s wonderful to read your aunties are helping you with councelling. Councelling isn’t a magic investment with quick returns, it takes time, even if you get to go nearly weekly it will still take time, so please don’t feel bad for this, it’s so wonderful of them to help you out like this. I understand your apprehension of letting your councellor into all the facts but it’s good to get it logged. I never confided in mine I had for 8 weeks when I was still with my ex, instead I would talk about some of the traits he had I didn’t like and apply them to me or I would talk about how I didn’t like this whole alcohol thing. I was basically taught I would be abusive if I didn’t allow the alcohol thing, and as for the other traits, well, I can’t do the work for him. I did tell my therapist about my father who had been emotionally abusive towards me and I remember I got to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault… only to come home and be told by my ex that it was my fault and my poor old father who had had to put up with me, it was no wonder my ex was losing his mind! If I could go back, I would have been honest with my therapist. But at the time I was terrified of my ex’s threats that if I said anything bad about him that she then reported to the police, I would go to prison for x, y, z. I once tried to contact my therapist to ask for additional councelling where I was going to be honest with her about it. My ex found out. And the threat he made… Needless to say I never went back to my therapist.
Keep confiding in your therapist and know you are not alone. It is not you and it is not your fault. He is constantly switching/changing opinions/tactics to keep you on edge and it’s not your fault or your doing.
I would also say keep contacting WA and telling them about this. If you did want to leave relationship, they can help you with a plan.
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Hi DIYMUM
I have just looked up n**********c triangulation and I can say that he does compare me to his ex not as much now but does have a tendency to bring her up in arguments but more so the beginning and middle of the relationship where he was always comparing me to say she used to do this or she never did this for me. I booked a weekend away (detail removed by Moderator) which I found out he’d been to this destination with his ex… as soon as we pulled up at hotel and parked up he complained (detail removed by Moderator)… I felt like utter c**p like she was always better and I was nothing.Part of me really wants to go now and just leave a note but I feel like he just wont sign the papers for the house and then it will drag on for even longer and probably the end result through court and the last thing I want is this being dragged out for another year or so. I really don’t know how to plan giving him the paper to sign… I am petrified and everyday I am stressing out as its fast approaching now, at first I thought I would just get the anger and verbal abuse but now im worried violence will be involved due to recent experiences. I have tried (detail removed by Moderator) to bring the mortgage up and word it in such away that in order for us to buy a second house you’d be better off coming off it having no debts to your name and you can have the benefit of first time buyer so better rates… don’t think that is working either…. 🙁
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the thing is they always use something to hold over you to stay – if its no a mortgage its custody or revenge porn they have every trick up there sleeve. i know its hard to see how calculated they are but they do know exactly what theyre doing. its not that theyre smart but they are cunning the end goal is to have it there way and if they can keep even more control over you – there will be away out of the mortage you could call rights for women x*x
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That is exactly what his done this time around… I thought id got somewhere convincing him about coming off the mortgage so he can get better deals being a first time buyer and then at the end of the convo he was like yeah your right… I thought yes!!! then he said we shall start saving and look at moving and coming off the mortgage in like a year or two there is no rush is there… AHHHHHHHH!!! then when I said no you wanted to move this year so you need to come off now he said fine I know what your doing If you want me off the mortgage now it will cost you £5K I was like I cant afford that I have other fees to pay, he said not my problem its not like you don’t have enough money in the house to pay me out its nothing.
How do I get him to sign this paper and stick to the £3K we agreed and his been banging on about since Christmas now all off a sudden its more x
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Hello again. If you go to your local WA they usually have solicitors they use who are versed in DA and they can advise you on the intricacies of untangling financially. I’m not sure about where you would stand on him being entitled to anything because his name’s on the mortgage, depends where you’re from too, within the UK, different laws etc. I remember before I went to talk to WA and the solicitor, my head was all over the place, so meant scenarios going through your head isn’t there. The only way to calm those voices is to take control and talk to someone. It sounds as if he’s lined you up in order to take advantage, a regular ‘DirtyJohn’, it’s a Netflix programme about this man who went from state to state, women to woman and fleeced them rotten, based on a real life events. wonder if he’s watched it. I know how badly you want to leave, but this is your house, you bought it, you only put him onto the mortgage to show your commitment and calm his insecurities, which believe me he’s got in spades, he g gaslight a lot by the sounds of it to, I bet if you asked astound, others would have different vies to his reality. Some of these men live in realityc1, we live in reality 2 and never the twain shall merry. He’ll convince you black is white and vice versa and next week it’ll have changed again. I have stopped trying to get my point across, because it just ends in agreement and accusations, threatening to leave, telling me to leave etc etc Have you heard of the grey rock method, Google this, it might help, I use, that’s your opinion, a lot too,
Once you start to see it really isn’t you, that his behaviour is the same as our similar to each and everyone of us, you’ll know you’re getying there. The secret is being able to act, I mean Grammy, golden globe awards acting. We do what we do to survive this. Even having sex when we don’t want to, anything to stop him thinking we’re leaving him. Or getting him put out of the property. Does he contribute anything into the house, just take legal advice, and if you’re not comfortable with it, change your solicitor/lawyer.at the end of the day, they’re working for you.
You sound a strong woman, I can hear you’re anger and annoyance and how dare he, from here, that’s good.💪 It keeps you motivated. Hold onto it and then when he’s out of your life, let it go, because it will eat you up.
Keep posting my friend, you will get through this.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞-
Hi WantMeBack
Sorry for late reply he was with me all weekend so had no time to access this.
I have been to womens aid and also when the police were involved they were keen on me putting a statement in for cohesion and controlling behaviour so they could go and talk to him, but I don’t want that because it will drag it out even longer stressing me out more and I feel guilty for getting him into trouble.
I have spoke to a solicitor who said just don’t accept any money off, I ended up paying the finances well still paying them… he paid one mortgage payment right at the start month 1 and then nothing since told him not to, he said you think I am stupid if I don’t pay anything then I am not entitled to anything. I just thought to myself your not entitled anyway I need it to show commitment and your using it against me throwing it in my face with court and wanting £5k!! his probably put in some DIY and one mortgage payment.
I am trying to still carry on letting things tick over as though I am staying with him, saying love you and having sex even when Im not wanting to because usually saying no or wording it in another way but still meaning no he will hit roof verbal abuse telling me his already been out sh***ing other women and back on dating sites. Before his even gone to the extreme of saving his number as a girls number and messaging himself so it looks like his having a convo with someone else. Also taken plain Jayne photos offline and photo shopped them so it looks like something he has received.
I just need advise on how I get him to sign this paperwork…. do I leave it for a family member to do or do I man up face him and ask him to sign it… my dad says why are you scared he wont lay a finger on you don’t worry about that, what he doesn’t know is he already has and that is something I won’t tell him until after all this is over
xx
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PS I have watched all these documentaries on the tele and also the dirty John true story and series was really interesting. The documentaries on the tele I kind of had some on whilst he was there and at times he would say that sounds like me…. on one though he did get quite angry and defensive saying I am not like that, I said you kind of are and its an offence to tell me what to do. He said I can’t get done for showing care that I don’t want you out with a bunch of lads.
Then I just think it is me, I cant win whether I shut up or speak I am always in the wrong and say something wrong. When you tell him this he turns it round to say that’s how you make me feel. Like I am not wanted and neglecting me, like you don’t love me like I have the problem. You cause me to react this way
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Oh my goodness, you are describing my oh. The singing with changed lyrics drives me nuts and if I challenge it I’m accused of having a guilty conscience as he is just singing.
Also like you mine is obsessive about me cheating on him with him anyone…where I work, if I go to the shop, if we go out and somebody looks at me…anyone! I too have panic attacks about being stuck in traffic as i know it is making me later than I should be and that I am in fir interrogation.& I also take photos on my phone of where I am to probe I was there and not somewhere else…it is horrible.
You are not alone, not that that will make it any better and I am glad you have posted on here. I posted fir the first time a week ago and tbh it’s brought everything into reality, I am a complete mess but everybody has been so lovely and supportive that I’m glad I made the choice to do. I feel deceitful about trying to sort myself out but after living like this for years and years I’ve finally realised that actually I am a person and I am entitled to a decent life but like you cannot take the step to go and do not know why. Of course it is always our fault and no matter what we try to do, it will never be enough. I have tried staying silent, crying, ignoring, shouting, fronting up to him none of which works…and I know now nothing ever will. Even when he says to me …you don’t want to be with me anymore do you? I can’t say no, I don’t. He says you only have to say and we will separate and do it amicably (ha…never done anything else amicably) and I still can’t say…no I don’t want to be with you anymore. I think I am scared of not knowing where he would b3 and what he was planning to do.
Keep,posting on here, you,might feel worse before you start to get stronger but you are beginning t9 realise it’s not you and you don’t deserve this. I feel like a complete hypocrite telling you this as I can’t make the move to go or do anything about it. I involved the police once, which in my opinion made things ten times worse as I didn’t have the bottle to give evidence against him. Keep posting sweetie 💕-
so glad I have someone with similar issues i.e. the singing.. I panic when I don’t get out of work on time as he doesn’t like me working in the office longer than I have to as he thinks im cheating on him with the lad here that I spoke to about my problems last year and he found out or if I am still at work he thinks I’ve gone out with the work lot straight from work.
Like he will say his working or going to moms etc.. so I make plans to visit the family then when I’m there he will message and say how long am I going to be I want to leave or I’ve finished work I think brill and I just assume that means I need to leave to get home so he can come round and I panic then and try to rush home as I think he will kick off… other times he will say his on his way so Ill leave rush home and he doesn’t come round till later on so I think I could of stopped out longer at the families.
We were stuck in traffic once which made him late for work all that was my fault not the fact it was rush hour between those times in the morning…. he came out with all sorts of verbal abuse, how is ex was better how he hated me. He spat in my face and punch my hand which was on gear stick and snapped my nail. This weekend he came downstairs in just a towel dropped so was naked to get some boxers, blinds were closed but curtains open.. he was like jeeez you can see straight through them, I said so there are fences and no one other side.. straight away oh is that the attitude you have when upstairs getting dressed and leave curtains open. I said no the curtains are always shut why do you have to make up situations in your head and be negative.. so he launched a laundry basket full of washing at me and said you drag me down that is why I think negative.. since then its just been verbal abuse threatening with house and wanting £5K now upping the amount.
I just give up I need a plan and I really don’t know what to do… I don’t want to tell no one about the violence.
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What a loathsome man he is. I have read absolutely nothing in everything you’ve said to indicate that any of his behaviour is caused by you. He just wants you to think that.
I’d echo the advice to speak with Rights for Women about the mortgage, or deeds.
I truly hope you get untangled as early as you’re able. You don’t deserve to live in that atmosphere.
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I just feel like it is or that I am missing parts out. As I write to you all and the things I write about I have his voice in my head as if I was telling him and what he’d be saying to me. The weekend wasn’t a good again I am just in the wrong whether I keep shut or speak… bringing up the past blaming me for what happened at Christmas with telling my family which I’ve tried to explain regardless of whether I told them stuff or not they knew things weren’t right they picked up on certain things which sent alarm bells ringing and that’s then when he caused an argument and was saying I want paying out (detail removed by moderator) Proper gets my back up as that was my house and ALL MY MONEY I was kind enough to share and now he wants to take it from me thinking his entitled to it!!! since Christmas he has wanted out and we agreed (detail removed by moderator) not like you cant afford to you have ££ in the house, like im being greedy.
My auntie spoke to rights of women a few months ago.
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My oh also changes the words to songs, generally about me leaving and such like, boy is he in fir a surprise soon. Don’t give him any money, he’ll only want more further down the line. Can you record him doing this, because I’m sure it’s blackmail. I have a few recordings of him now plus my support worker heard his tone of voice when he called when I was with her. She said he’s a very angry aggressive man, and that’s just in a phone call!!
These men are very good at bringing up the past and twisting it to suit themselves. I’ve learned to change whatever my oh says and replace it with the personal, it becomes his confession so to speak. He also refuses to have anything b to do with my family, won’t go in on birthdays, Christmas etc. Refused to go to my mum’s funeral too. That was my enough is enough moment. I’ve been trying to disentangle this myself but will need a lawyer fir the mortgage, home improvements, car etc. I hope you get the help you need, he definateky an entitled piece of work isn’t he. Stay strong, have you looked into using the grey rock method? It’s where you become the most boring person he’s ever met, one word answers if any. It’s not the silent treatment it’s just protecting yourself from him. Reach out, contact WA or your local one. Try Rights for women. I can’t wait to hear you’ve gotten away from him, and still have your house. If you have to pay him ANYTHING, let your lawyer decide, NOT him.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞-
Hi I wantmeback,
My OH can be quite aggressive and angry when he talks to you, he can be fine then just changes within seconds. to be honest he seems like that time of person in general. I wish I could catch him on recording saying it, I tried once with my dashcam but I couldn’t find how to turn it on as he was threatening me with the house then. Its knowing when to start recording or taking my phone out in middle of argument about it before he asks what I am doing. I have text message of him saying (detail removed by moderator). He isn’t accepting less but now in order to take him off mortgage and for him to sign the paper he wants (detail removed by moderator) I was advised that legally I have gifted him 30% so his entitled but that wasn’t a specialised Solicitor in this area and the police said if I went down cohersion and controlling behaviour I might have a case. I am just worried to do that as it drags it out more stress then and if I loose the case I have more to pay. It is going through the bank and they provide me with a free solicitor on there list but I thought if I got him to sign the paper and say once signed I have the (detail removed by moderator) to give you then he would probably take it seeing it there infront of him. HE DOESNT DESERVE A PENNY but if (detail removed by moderator) gets me my life back then I’ll do. I am so scared to leave it to a solicitor or the police because then the situation is out of my control 🙁 really don’t know what to do all I know is the mortgage application to get the house back in my name begins very very soon and I don’t have a plan on how I will get him to sign it back over!! I will need to speak to the solicitor once I have been given one by the bank
xx
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I hate the fact they made me state percentages anyway as it was my house would understand if he put in. at first he wanted 50/50 and was asking me really weird questions which shouldn’t concern him or shouldn’t be bothered about as I was kind enough to add him on it shouldn’t matter about the money shouldn’t be expecting a percentage just your name on it. but wasn’t good enough wanted a cut and like a fool I gave him 30% of what ive worked hard for and already gone through this before with my ex who I brought the house with and signed it all over to me with no payout due to what he did to me.
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Hi there.. I have read all your post but not all the replies so apologies if I’m repeating anything. I feel a fraud to write anything as I’m still with my husband but I was sat in tears reading how your partner has treated you. It is categorically HIM not you. You are not mad you are not to blame at fault or even slightly anything to do with his disgusting behaviour to you. I totally understand so much how the “ good” out weighs the stuff we can’t see clearly but he is getting and will get worse. That the “ good” won’t actually be good it’ll just be breaks from nasty . I can only say ring women’s aid and reach out to those that can help with the whole house/mortgage / leaving situation. You deserve so so so much better .. I’ve been writing and writing since I first posted on here and whilst I’ve not found courage yet to act upon things it certainly has helped on days when I think “ oh he’s being so nice he must love me “ days, so keep writing … journaling taking pics of anything physical … sorry for waffle .. I hope u are ok xx
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Hello again, I have the record app on my home screen that you can swipe to hide it, plus my phones locked. As we sit on opposite couches, he can’t see me starting to record but my hands shake like nobody’s business. I’ve managed to get him to repeat his accusations and threats too, e.g. so you’re telling me you’re going to…. or you’ve been planning you do…. fir ages then and he always does.😉 I really don’t think you would lose your case,,(but I’m not a lawyer, only going on what’s moral really) it’s an expensive lesson to learn isn’t it😪 but I totally get why you did it, anything to make him feel loved, secure. Now he’s just taking the p..s. absolutely ring WA, once you start taking control, you can lie your head of to him, string him along if you have to, once you know more, it will lift a weight from your shoulders, I promise.
IWMB 💞💞-
I get like that when I’m on my phone wondering when his going to say what your doing. I mean last night he saw my emoji’s and was like go back on that, when did you use that one? so he does a search then as his getting paranoid that I’ve used the emoji with someone else..
I try so hard now to lie and hard things and just string him a long, sometimes I think he knows what I’m doing I just think how do you know that its a coincidence or do you have like something spying on me. Its so hard now hiding the police and counselling from him, even giving my mate a lift home after work. I sit there panicking that it will be my luck he will call me and figure it out.
I will have to look into that recording, I’d be worried though incase he saw the recording in my phone files as you just don’t know when he will look.
Seeing the damage it is doing to my family is crushing me and making me feel so guilty, I feel like I am in the middle and know I have to leave this because of them I just don’t know how. They obviously don’t understand and just want me out, I just really wish it was that easy!!!!
xx
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