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I have no idea what is wrong with me! My plan was to get him to move out which I did then try to cut down contact so I didn’t feel so attached.
The first 48 hours wasn’t too bad I kept thinking why has he not even texted to ask how kids are etc.
Then I stupidly messaged him asking how he was!! The (detail removed by Moderator) was my sons birthday and it got to (detail removed by Moderator) and he hadn’t texted or called all I sent him a reminder message.
To get a reply (detail removed by Moderator) later saying I.should have gave him more warning because he’s heads messed up right now! So trying to make it my fault.
He came (detail removed by Moderator) with (detail removed by Moderator) to bring my son a present. But it was awkward part of me was hoping he would stay!!
Then again (detail removed by Moderator) I had to see him because one of the kids had (detail removed by Moderator) appointment!
The (detail removed by Moderator) for some reason I went to see him at work ☹️ and found myself asking if he would come stay this weekend!
How do you do it?? I am finding it so hard to detach.
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I think if you can get your head round drug addiction then you can begin to understand the power these abusers have over us. Delete all his numbers, all contact details and remind yourself how little he thinks of his child. If you need proof of the sort of person he is then there is your proof. He’s not going to change. You are not going to get closure. I used to remind myself of how destroyed he could make me feel with his push and pull and threats of rejection. I told myself that if I gave him my heart again he would just stomp all over it. Your head seems to understand things but you need to learn to ignore your heart. I went back once but that was before I knew about domestic abuse and how he actually chooses to behave the way he does. I used to pray he would fall off a mountain on one of his trips away because I didn’t have the strength to end things. For years I was too scared of the consequences, and I was right to be scared.
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What helped me to get a clear head and helped me escape was:
1. Wrote down every little thing that didn’t seem right about him, every time he was abusive however small it seemed up to the bigger more obvious examples. This was so helpful as a reminder when I was feeling confused and had a lot of cognitive dissonance about him.
2. Ring the domestic abuse helpline, tell them everything he did and get confirmation that it is abuse
3. Ring local domestic violence organisations for the same as above
4. Read articles online about abuse, looked up the power and control wheel
5. Journaled every day to connect with my truth, my core
6. Listened to my gut – stopped letting my conscious mind rationalise and minimise what he’d said and done, my subconscious and gut knew there was something badly wrong
7. Went no contact so I was no longer exposed to his manipulation. I noticed that if I spoke to him on the phone he was very good at manipulating me and getting me to doubt myself, but there was this inner voice that say ‘no, you need to get away from this man NOW’ that thankfully I listened to and have been away from him since.Hope this helps, I know how hard it is to get a clear head, they deliberately lie, manipulate, gaslight and emotionally abuse us into feeling confused making it harder for us to get away but it’s definitely possible to come out of the fog with the right tools and support.
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Its so hard notsostrong they can suck us back in so easy! I am living away from my husband now and he’s been pretty good so far so I was starting to think maybe there is hope for us, and he will learn to control his anger and controlling ways. Then I saw him on the weekend and same old same old…. Its still so hard to make that final decision to end everything. I like you KIP find myself thinking things like I wish something would happen on his work trip while he’s away as then I won’t have to finally end things! Just awful. I too keep reminding myself that he chooses to behave like this as he certainly doesn’t behave like this at work or with his friends! It is hard to detach but we will get there! And I will certainly be doing what you suggest SunshineRainFLower writing down everything has really helped, listening to the gut is hard but I know exactly what its saying but like you say the mind rationalises everything he’s done. We will get there…WE WILL.
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I did it so many times. This type of person will do whatever they believe you require to get you back. Mine went to counseling, did community service, and supposedly quit drugs. He schemed to marry me while collecting government money illegally behind my back. I thought he was “cured” and he was lying the whole time. Every time he went a step further and then did whatever was necessary to win me back. It was a game to him. I meant nothing. I now believe he never loved me, even for a minute, as he is incapable of love. All told there were (detail removed by Moderator) separations before the last one stuck. I think the key to escaping is finding something that makes you feel better about you. I found running. I believe it saved my life. Find yourself, your core, and love that core with all your might. That core wants him gone.
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