Help..I need to break the cycle once and for all

[equinoxal]

Hi all..hope everyone is well. I haven’t posted on here in a while as I was trying to convince myself that the abuse was a figment of my imagination (I only half succeeded).

I’m so tired and close to giving up. I’m supposed to move away with him for (detail removed by moderator) (long story) and given the abusive history of our relationship, my parents and family were naturally scared stiff of me being alone with him for so long.
A few nights ago I didn’t call him when he asked because I was having a discussion with my family about me living with him, trying to reassure them I would be okay. Within five minutes of me calling him he went off on how I was being selfish for talking to them instead of him because (detail removed by moderator)  Makes sense. He was angry at how he had to listen to me ‘deal with my family’- a major inconvenience for him (also, he asked me about it, i didn’t even bring it up!)As he got angrier he told me it was as simple as do I want to come to live with him, yes or no- in the heat of the moment I just said ‘no’. I could tell he was surprised I actually said no and he just said (detail removed by moderator).
I sent him a long message explaining how his behaviour had affected my mental health and how he wasn’t good for me, (detail removed by moderator).  His response to that showed he clearly either didn’t read it or totally disregards my feelings.
Since then, I’ve received close to a hundred messages from him- mostly apologetic and pleading for me to reconsider. Telling me he’s having a panic attack and how good our relationship is, how much he loves me and I’m making a mistake. Telling me we ‘both’ have a lot of changing to do-ugh!!!
(Detail removed by moderator). 

We’ve been down this route so many times before but this time I really want out. Usually I give in way before this stage so I have some hope. But I find him sending me dozens of messages very stressful and I can see myself caving in as he’s being very sweet right now. It doesn’t help I also am invested in the relationship financially now as well.

He told me he won’t chase me anymore but I should reconsider as it’s not worth throwing away a good relationship and he loves me. I don’t know. He’s drained me of everything and I’ve lost myself since being with him, but I can’t deny the security of being with him. I worry that if it really ended I would realise I made a mistake. I fear feeling like I’m missing out if we broke up. At the same time, the constant chastising and belittling and arguing has slowly chipped away at me. I don’t know what to do!

[KIP.]

You need to go no contact. While he is contacting you he’s playing with your mind. Block all his calls and texts and if he persists then call the police. He has programmed you into thinking you might be making a mistake. When in reality, life is so much better without him. You just have to believe in yourself X the fog lifts with no contact.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Go no contact, i nthink deep down u know his not right for u, u more or less have told him,life is so much better when u have peace of mind, my ex used to same , eeveryone will laugh at u, family shame , i can change, lets give it another go and not spoil a good thing, all realtionship have bad stages…. blah blah the excuses go on, u really wil be happierr without him , yes he give su security but at what price, not having peace of mind, ffrom some one who had to walk away empty handed, it ellu i am so happy, yes u get days where u miss the intmiacy, but just cant explain how much happier u will be without him, u can do this , i found it really helpful to make a list of all his positive and negative things about him and then what i would mmiss and what i wouldnt, and u know what the only thing i wrote i would miss was his hugs, even though when i was him he just beat me and would by force hug me , but my negative list was endless and what i wouldnt miss was endless, is really eye opener seeing it written down

[Nova]

Hi Equinoxal, I feel for you in the turmoil

We are all agreeing that NC has to be the only way…when I read your post,parts of it are exactly the same..the abusers methodology. We all know ‘the routine’
Make her think shes the only one & you’d die if she left you..Turn on the charm as & when to save your a*s..use words like I care, I love you..Get some money out of her asap, Lie, a lot…Tell everyone she has major problems, mostly mentally…Switch the affection off/on/off…Ignore her, feign ignorance about anything she wants an answer too, like any normal person

Its hellish tough, soul destroying & sickening hearing and reading about abuse… let alone someone your living with or have lived with. Stay strong

Cx

[Nova]

Hi Equinoxal

We understand how tough it is, it’s called hoovering, another abusive & controlling tactic.

Until the next time, when you are in the thick of it…and so on.
Mr Nice turns quickly into Mr Angry..guilt will not be an issue, fear will.

Read up about The N********t, trauma bonding coercive control, real eye openers for us in abusive ‘relationships’

Hugs
Cx

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