Help I want to go back.

[teaandbiscuit24]

It wasn’t physically abusive. Emotional/ intimidation/ aggression etc. I didn’t notice most of it. Ended because developed a temper with the kids. He’s said he’s addressed that+done parenting course. They miss him and hate sending them to him on their own because I worry. I feel they’d be better off if we were together. I can’t tell if I love him still or just panicking. Want my family back. Felt far more stable in in that (removed by moderator) months after- my whole life feels like it’s disintegrating and not coping at all. Have spent a week picking up the phone then not calling just to say come back. (removed by moderator) died and just so devastated. I know he can be kind and is upset about it too. I have friends but no family support. My mind feels like it will explode.

[minimeerkat]

it was so sad reading your post – i am sending you a hug x losing a pet can leave you completely heartbroken (mine were my ‘family’). and this heartbreak is probably contributing to the loss you are already feeling about the family unit, bless your heart.
you mention your ex wasnt physically abusive, yet in my own experience its the mental/emotional/psychological abuse that does the serious damage – especially when it is almost ‘invisible’ & you are unaware. covert abuse can be horrendous, because invariably you will be tolerating this over a long period of time due to its subtlety.
you say your ex has done a parenting course. perhaps it is true & he genuinely wants to become a better person. but the trouble is with abusive partners, they do know all the right things to say & do in order to win you back. so only you can decide what to do here – do you feel realistically that there has been sufficient time for your ex to actually benefit from this course.
i did wonder why you were worried when your children are with him.
do you have any other support apart from your friends – have you had any counselling at all/if not would you consider this? have you had support from your local domestic abuse service – mine were absolutely brilliant helping me to see so much more clearly, although they are there just to listen & support you. there is support here on this forum, but there is also email & live chat if you want to talk things through. refuge also has a phone number & email.
have you thought about being trauma bonded to your ex at all – is this a possibility with the feelings you are experiencing at the moment. have you read about these types of bonds & how ‘addicted’ you can become? when trauma bonded, being apart from your abuser can be so painful you can hardly bear it. but it does help if you understand what is going on & why you are suffering as you are.
i hope you can find the appropriate support to help you through this. keep posting as much as you need to at the moment, as there is kindness & understanding here. thinking of you x

[Lisa]

Hi Lostinagoodbook,

I’m sorry to hear your struggling at the moment, but know how your feeling is completely normal and expected. Leaving an abusive relationship is a challenge, for many reasons, so it can be helpful engaging in some specialist support to help you through this.

Your local domestic abuse service may be running group or one-to-one emotional support sessions.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200 or visit their website.

Do keep posting here also, as many of the women here will very much relate to how you are feeling. I hope your able to get the emotional validation and clarity you need to help you move forward.

Take care,

Lisa

[teaandbiscuit24]

Thankyou for answering and for all the resources. I will take a look. There were a handful of times of shoving/grabbing/throwing stuff etc but mostly intimidation/ verbal. Never without a reason though- and not intentionally to hurt me,(I know it’s not an excuse).I have been having counselling. He definitely did the course, said it was to make me happy.

I miss being in the family unit yes. So do the kids. I’m not sure about feelings for him. We were together a very long time and it ended suddenly, lots of stress. I think I was trauma bonded but then I’ve hated even the sight of him for ages and yet now it feels ‘normal’ and comforting to see him and I’m confused about how I’m feeling. He’s being very kind and supportive and I’m fighting the urge to just say come back to see what it’s like.

[teaandbiscuit24]

I was stressed before when things got too much- now I feel like I’m sinking further into depression. He’s being so lovely especially about the 🐈. The way he behaved was due to his own mental health and issues not intentionally to hurt me.

[Hawthorn]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. The confusion in the early stages after escaping is so tough. And the sadness. All those hopes and dreams of what our relationships could have been. But in reality, were not.

You say you’re fighting the urge to ask him to come back and see what it’s like….I would gently suggest you already know what it’s like? The cycle of abuse goes round and round. He’ll be just nice enough, for just long enough to draw you back in, then the abuse will start again. Even doing the course was “to make you happy”. You are not responsible for his behaviour, good or bad. If he truly desired to change he would need to accept full responsibility for his own actions, realise what he did by losing his temper with the children was wrong, and want to make a change because of that. In your heart of hearts do you believe that to be the case?

I remembercthe early days after I left. I didn’t think my abuser was acting intentionally either. And yet he saw over and over how his behaviour affected me, how upset I was, how depressed I became, and yet he continued.

Your abuser knows you are vulnerable and is trying to hoover you back into the relationship. Dr Ramani on youtube has some great videos about this stage of the cycle. Reach out for support, here and to anyone you trust. And try to distract yourself if you can. Rather than thinking about him maybe a little ritual for your beloved pet?

I’m so very sorry to hear about your (removed by moderator), and sending a really big hug. Keep reaching out, you are so strong. This too will pass x*x

[teaandbiscuit24]

1. If he genuinely is changed then being back together is best for the kids- they would be happier.
2. If he hasn’t and it’s all mind games(possible he’s very clever) then I don’t want him having the kids alone but don’t want to deprive them of him. I am genuinely worried he could turn them against me if he wanted to. I know he could manipulate enough that they wouldn’t necessarily tell anyone if he lost his temper. At the moment he wants me back still but at times in the last months he has turned nasty/ made subtle threats. So I would also feel I was protecting them better if we got back together?

I’m confused about the best thing to do. Don’t want to lose the kids or make their life worse by having tried to improve things for them and me?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, if he has changed I would suggest you wait more time …

If he hasn’t and as you say he is very clever…then you wouldn’t be depriving your children you wpuld be protecting them. As going back in an abusive relationship (as we think we protect our children they are still affected as anyone would be living in an abusive relationship and yes, lots of fathers manipulate their children to get at their ex…including my ex abusive husband).

No one judges you on here as lots of women have gone back… it took Mr 3 attempts to finally separate.

Fear, Obligation, Guilt (known as FOG cycle) is very real and worth googling? As reading your post I can hear how torn you are and it does sound like your husband is trying to win you back.

Keep posting
HFH ❤️

[Wheatear]

First, condolences re- your (removed by moderator). Grief for your pet is no doubt co-mingling with your inner conflict about what to do.
Sorry you are going through all this. Sounds like you need more time to work through your emotions and practical concerns. I know you will make the best decision, but two things to keep in mind:
1. The best thing you can do for your kids is to role model that abuse (including emotional/psychological) is NOT something to tolerate and live with. When you are strong and living your life with confidence and self-respect the kids will benefit immensely. Ask me how I know, lol.
2. Be very careful with thoughts that could possibly excuse or vindicate his behaviour. Like when you said, “The way he behaved was due to his own mental health and issues not intentionally to hurt me.” Please, please, please keep in mind that a guy who truly loves and respects you will deal with their own issues/mental health/stress, etc. constructively, without inflicting emotional/psychological abuse on their spouse.

[Hereforhelp]

Mental health is an excuse many abusers use to excuse their behaviour… does he act the same in public, at work, with friends or does he save it for home?

[nbumblebee]

Im still here but everytime he starts i forgive him i think and believe he will/has changed that next time he wont do/say it again but he does it keeps happening day after day after day and it gets worse.
I find myself not wanting to wake up anymore for fear of whats next.
Dig deep do you honestly believe he has changed? Honestly? Im not sure they can is it grief talking? Losing a pet is heart breaking and naturally you want someone to hug to tell you its gonna be ok is he the one to do that? Do you really think he will? You have to listen to that voice thats deep within you sweetie to know whats best.
My opinion and mine alone is no they wont ever change not for good maybe for a week a month even a year but that hurtful nasty person will always be there but thats only my own opinion.
You stay safe xxxx

[selfish]

I know exactly how you are feeling about the kids, as it is one of the reasons I’m so scared to go. If he has them alone, who will be there to intervene if needed. Could you speak to your local Woman’s Aid, they may have some suggestions. My situation feels the same, some pushing, objects been thrown, and a lot of put downs. But honestly it’s the day to day things that got me in the end, and constant blame. I always felt abusers would apologise and be remorseful after a fight, however I am the one who has to beg for forgiveness for pushing him to that point, or for gasping in the car when he gets road rage. I’m slowly seeing that it’s a cycle of abuse, and I hope you can see that too.
I have to go no contact when I leave as I feel it’s the only way I’ll be able to make a clean break without being guilted into coming back. I worry about how contact with the kids will go, particularly with our youngest who he struggles to bond with or tolerate for over an hour, so I know overnights will be an issue. If it’s any help, my husbands father was the exact same to his mother, and when I see how nervous she is, and how much control she is under. Sometimes my husband will question why they stayed together, but at the same time knowing he is the same. I know for my kids I want to break the cycle, show them how to treat others with respect. You have done the hardest part, and I envy your strength for getting away. X

[teaandbiscuit24]

Hey. @selfish I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that. My biggest stress was the temper with the kids which I managed- embarrassed to say the other stuff felt normal. I actually regret ending so suddenly (other reasons) as so worried about the kids now.

They didn’t see how he was with me (I know this is true)so they are suffering now more than before.

He could do a lot of damage mentally without being too physical or crossing a line for anyone to intervene. And they love their dad so can’t stop contact. He can be amazing with them when it suits.

I didn’t leave them alone with them last few months and I stepped in if I saw him being rough/ intimidating. I don’t know for sure if he would or wouldn’t take it further with them which is why I hate leaving them alone. Also witnessed him lying, saying things were by accident to them/ telling them it was their fault etc.

[StrongLife]

Have you found a therapist or social worker to speak to. You can find stability after a while. It is hectic when you first leave but gets far better and calmer. You can find peaceful life elsewhere where your life is not interrupted by domestic violence all the time.

[Andbreath]

I’ve been following your post..I’m new here.
I’m so sad when I read what you are going through. I don’t have any advice really sorry. But, I thought it may help to know I feel exactly the same as you. I want him back so badly even though I ended it and every part of me knew I had no choice for my own emotional survival

Stay strong xx you’ve come this far already

[Author]

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