Help I’m new and can’t quite make the plunge

[JustHadEnough]

Hi everyone I’m looking for help, need someone to tell me I’m not being silly/daft and to just take the plunge. I’ve come to the conclusion after (detail removed by Moderator) years of marriage that my husband has been slowly manipulating me and slowly mentally abusing both my son and me. After reading a lot of information on here I can relate so much. It’s not physical but mental so I think ‘well it’s not as bad as most people’s’ and ‘ he isn’t always bad’ or ‘I’ve put up with it so far so I may as well carry on’
I know when I’m feeling strong I can do it and leave but the uncertainty of finances and never having applied for UC or rental claim then I’m put off leaving as it’s too overwhelming. He says he will go and leave me in the rental property and in the next breathe he tells me to leave and he won’t go and will make my life hell !!! I am so up and down and desperately need him out of my life but it feels like he’s controlling my every move. Background- the rental property is in his name solely, we are married and he is the main breadwinner and I wouldn’t be able to rent another property as I’m self employed and don’t have an accountant and I’m earning pennies (until lockdown is over and my business is back up and running) my mum said she will help me until I get back on my feet but he won’t give me a definite decision about staying and going so I feel completely lost and unable to move forward. What can I do please guys help ? I can’t see a way forward

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

I see you have an option here, one that many ladies don’t have – your mum has offered to help you out in the short term. Is this financially? Has she enough money to lend you to enable you to rent somewhere yourself and put down a bond and pay the first couple of months rent?

If you are serious about wanting to separate from this man and follow through with a divorce after a while then you will need to make that step to make this happen. In a fair world, we would discuss with our partner that the relationship isn’t working and we want out, and we’d decide who would leave and who would stay, but when dealing with abusers nothing is going to be fair. No compromises will be reached.

Your mum is offering you a lifeline here. It’s up to you whether you take it. If you take it, you can pull yourself out of the situation you are in and start to make the changes in life for a better life for you and your son free from abuse. If you don’t take it, well, nothing changes does it?

Once you have rented a place of your own you can start to apply for UC as a single parent. Leaving a relationship is always going to have some financial hardship whether it is abusive or not, but by staying to wait for your abuser to make a decision will mean you are still in this situation in 2,3,4 years time. The time has come for YOU to make the decision. This is your life, you have to take control of it, don’t let him dictate who stays or goes, you choose.

[JustHadEnough]

You are totally correct, put into words it’s an eye opener, I’m guessing this is the physiological damage that’s been done that’s stopped me being able to think for myself and wait for him to make decisions on my moving forward or not !!thank you

[iliketea]

@JustHadEnough hi and welcome to the forum. I’m going to bump a post, This is my Abuser, and another one Red Line, might help you come to a decision. Hope you’re ok, its so tough. Have you read anything on it yet, I’ll bump the booklist too. There’s a really good book an audible I’ve been recommended here a few days ago “Hidden Abuse”, its a real eye opener. And definitely try and read Lundy Bancroft Why Does he Do That?
Keep posting, asking questions, checking in, its a really supportive forum with loads of very experienced and knowledgeable women.

UC is really straightforward, look online and start reading up. Look at Rights of Women too, lots of help on there, and advice on renting. If you can find someone to be your guarantor its pretty straightforward to rent. Or perhaps you could be housed by the council? Maybe contact your GP share what’s been going on, perhaps ask for a referral to a domestic abuse service? Or call hotline and chat through your thoughts first.
You’ll get through this, ask away, don’t feel alone, someone here will know the answer, might not be straightaway but I am sure someone else will jump on soon and answer your questions. xx

[JustHadEnough]

Thank you Iliketea you’ve been really helpful- I’ve a few books on order from amazon from that list and I do find reading posts on here helping me too. I feel so alone right now and so tearful all the time as it doesn’t feel like I am in control. My mum will give me her last bit of money she has saved but she is retiring next year and she has no back up funds so I really don’t want to take her only bit of money she has to fall back on – I’d rather put up with the c**p than put her into hardship. I’ve spoken to domestic abuse team in local council and they have sent me links to apply for local housing and links for their gateway program starting up again soon. I don’t want to apply for UC whilst living here and the benefit people think I’m committing fraud (even though we live separately and financially we don’t share anything) but like I say I rely on him to pay for house over mine and my sons head. Part of me thinks I may as well just stay where I am as better the devil you know !!! I just need to push myself into the unknown and uncertainty (and that’s what I can’t do right now)

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