Help – I’m stuck! I’ve left but he doesn’t know yet.

[Sparklejar]

(Detail removed by moderator) I left on the pretence of needing to help a parent (detail removed by moderator) who is struggling on their own during lockdown. My husband is emotionally abusive and I have been planning how to get away before I totally lose myself for a long time now.

I need to tell my husband that I’m not coming back but am completely crippled with anxiety and can’t do it over the phone. I need him to move out of my flat so that I can rebuild my life. I work from home and need the things that are there to do my job. His name is not on the tenancy.

I have never mentioned the word ‘abuse’ to him, BUT I have told him that his behaviour hurts me yet he continues to do it.

Is it totally inappropriate to send him an email or a text? I still feel like I need to consider his feelings bc I’m a decent human!

If I need to call him – which I am terrified to do – I need help with choosing my words. I want to keep things brief but clear.

I am aware that I could get an injunction, but I am actually afraid that if that doesn’t work out for any reason, I will be in a worse position regarding my emotional safety.

Any suggestions of help would be such a relief – I’ve been thinking of nothing else for days and it’s driving me nuts!

[KIP.]

It’s the indecision that is driving you nuts. He’s not going to listen to you no matter what you’ve said and I doubt he’s going to leave without drama. I would send him a message saying he has to leave the flat. And leave his keys behind. Have you spoken to a solicitor? Have you spoken to the landlord. Does he have anywhere else he can go at short notice? He may have rights to stay there. But you’re right to not engage in a conversation with him however he may just refuse to answer your messages and wait for your return. You’re not dealing with a reasonable person so don’t make the mistake of thinking you are. Have you spoken to,your local woman’s aid about a safe exit plan?

[Sparklejar]

Thanks @KIP for your quick reply.

I haven’t spoken to a solicitor yet. The landlord is a strange one – seems to have gone awol, but I’m not too concerned about her right now. I reached out to WA via the live chat and from that I’ve been in email contact with local domestic abuse service. They’ve been helpful so far, but I don’t feel they can help further now as they want me to look into injunctions.

As far as where he could go at short notice, that would involve his family probably travelling down and moving him out.

I just need this over with. It’s consumed me for so long now

[KIP.]

I think WA want you to get an injunction because they know he’s very unlikely to leave and when you message him to leave, then he doesn’t, then you have to go back to a very angry man, that’s dangerous.

[KIP.]

Can he afford to live there on his own? What about if you say you’re staying with your parent until he moves out? I mention the landlord because they might be able to ask him to leave as he’s not on the tenancy.

[Sparklejar]

Sorry fo rthe delay, KIP, I’ve been digesting and processing. I really appreciate your input.

I will definitely be staying with a parent until he has gone x

[KIP.]

I think that’s the best thing. Perhaps the landlord can ask him to leave. They could say you have told them you cannot return until he moves out due to domestic abuse and since he has no rights to stay there then he should leave immediately? You can have the locks changed when you return. Do,you have a third party that can ask him to leave?

[NeedANewMe]

I read this and was so shocked that this reminds me so much of my story. SparkleJar this is me all over, I managed to sell my house and buy one hundreds of miles away and he still has no clue I’ve left.. the day was fast approaching and I used every excuse in the book that would normally cause an argument didn’t! I felt so stuck everything was moving the completion date was approaching and no trick in the book was working I just needed his stuff out the house, if it wasn’t for his things I would have just left without an explanation. When Boris announced a lockdown I said I need to stay with (detail removed by moderator) and he said well it’s our relationship or her and I said I need to stay with her.. he asked to collect get his things, was supposed to meet halfway and he ended up (detail removed by moderator), followed me in grab all his stuff had a moment with me and left… I drove off as though I was going back to my (detail removed by moderator), I waited a couple of hours and then spent every hour through the night to pack up the house. I worked around the clock and had everything packed up in 48hours stopping when I knew he’d be finishing work and hid the car.. I was on my way to my new home and (detail removed by moderator) after the split he messaged me.. I can’t tell you how terrible and guilty I felt and I still feel it now. I gave into his messages through various forms of communication a couple of weeks in he apologised listened recognised his faults and was saying everything I wanted him to in the few years we were together. I felt so guilty I was hiding this lie from him, he thinks I’m at my aunties and I’ve setup a new home. A week into texting and things being good He started asking me to call him then my anxiety started… he would go through stages I’ve been fine lovely talking about our future to blaming me and punishing me in his own way making me feel guilty saying he doesn’t know where he stands I won’t even talk to him he can’t do this anymore, it was draining on texts as we’d be going back and forth every day or every few hours.. he’d go depressed and low making me feel bad that his lonely. Honestly if I wasn’t living here and still at my aunties and had my home I would 1000% be back there now. A few days ago on one of his low moods again he said I have till tomorrow afternoon to call him otherwise I’ve made it clear how I feel. Said in a few months time you will see me happy with someone else and then you’d think I wish I had of phoned. But if I phoned then it would of been FaceTime and that’s impossible with my situation. The deadline didn’t happen he kept calling and calling I kept declining.. why won’t you call me answer please I need to talk to you I have no one to talk to I’m home alone I really need you I need to let out how I’m feeling. Then I had the suicide text with a photo of pills on a table… I switched my phone off and changed my number I’ve had no contact since. To say I’m struggling is an understatement I feel so guilty for my actions and for cutting contact when he sent me that image.. his posting things on social media which I’m asking a friend to keep an eye out and I’m seeing girls liking his posts or photos his started with the I feel worthless posts so people feel for him. This one girl has liked his photo and his post he’d liked a couple of hers and now my head is thinking all sorts that there talking and she’s a complete stranger.. just adds random girls! But she is very pretty and some of my features, I just feel worthless and ugly and feel like nothing to him even though last week when he was opening up to me he said I take you for granted and I shouldn’t your the love of my life I only want you, life isn’t worth living unless your in it.. now this. The new one is a music video of a song he used to sing to me… guess his put it up knowing I’ll be looking from someone else’s account because I’m not on any social media. I just don’t like the idea of him being with someone else.. it’s destroying me.

Keep going your somewhere safe that’s the first bit, but I’m the same as you I only wanted to say things through text as I really didn’t want to say it to him I couldn’t the words wouldn’t come out.. I just had to keep everything calm and under wraps until I had no choice because the d day came!

Xx

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