Help is this normal or more abuse

[Goingthroughit]

Hi so since I have broken the abuse cycle I. I have stood up for myself and won’t allow it and call him out on it he has rented his own let’s call it back up flat and he used to threaten me with leaving every time I called him out on his abuse last time he did it I said ok leave and he kinda worked his way around it saying things like u really want me to leave and u know being all nice but now he says he will never get rid of it it’s there for when I’m not obedient.
I mean it’s not like I have ever kicked him out even when maybe I should have.

Is that abuse I’m sure it is because it’s like saying keep stepping out of line and I’ve got somewhere to go (detail removed by moderator) he has put his hands up to me and screamed really stopped himself from actually hitting me all because I was moaning about house work but I must ad that I have been a bit on edge lately like I’m soooo angry at him I’m on a short fuse and I keep lashing out at myself in the bathroom mirror like I scream inside to compose myself everything is annoying me I keep blaming myself I keep trying to talk to him but he just keeps saying loser loser loser or just silent treatment I think I’m going to have a break down please can someone give me advice.
I have broken the abuse cycle but the reason it’s hard is because I feel drained,angry,confused I keep going over and over thing but I still feel I’m the abuser but then I reassure myself I’m not I feel guilt I can’t hurt someone I apologise and take the blame when it IS MY FAULT.

He controls what I wear(not lately)
Will not let me go gym
Prefers if I didn’t work(I don’t right now but this is going to be somewhat hard he will make everything something)
Stay home all day with the kid
He is Muslim so I understand some of that comes from that and how he was brought up but I can’t make excuses for him it’s not right?
Also he is ashamed that I’m a bit loud and bubbly and used to give me the look enough to say shhh he has also stopped me mid sentence when I have a large smile telling him something to look
Around see if people are looking because I’m making a scene and I’m embarrassing u see me I don’t care what people think of me that’s just me.

But he makes me think it’s me I’m mad I nag I go in (I have suffered mental health in the past ie o.c.d,panic attacks,agoraphobia did get worse when I’ve been with him but can’t blame him for all of them.

I don’t monitor who he speaks to
I don’t tell him what to wear
I don’t try to change him (only how he treats me)
I let him go gym (who am I to stop him)
He has double standards in the gym one I’m not allowed but he is joke ain’t it.
I have done everything I can for him
He will not accept he is an emotional abuser /n********t I have put this to him.
I’m the mad one he says the second he comes him I’m on him making trouble and lately yes maybe I have like I said I am angry and feel I’m looking for a way to make him leave but then I don’t know what I want.

I’m sure I’m not the abuser although I guess I can annoy him sometimes but like I said why am I feeling so much hate and anger towards him where has this come from is this normal ?

[fizzylem]

I guess you are angry because you feel oppressed? That your thoughts and feelings are dismissed?

You feel angry and then turn this is on yourself? As there’s no where else for your anger to go, ordinarily, its very healthy to take personal responsibilty regarding what it is that is making us angry, however, in an abusive situation you are not to blame, can not take personal responsiblity to resolve this because it is his behaviour that is causing the problem, something that is not within your power to change.

Trying to wear you down and tell you this is all your fault is classic abuser tactics – and sadly, it works very well doesnt it. My head was very confused for a while, and I also questioned what he said, that I am this or that and started to believe it. They seek out what are vulnerabilities and use these against you, to attempt to add validity to their vile, so if you felt unloved as a child, they will say things like no one will ever love you, I dont know why I put up with you, you’re cold because you never learnt how to love as a child etc etc, hits right? Makes you question, because on some level you feel you were an unloved child, you start to believe what he says because it kind of makes sense now and then, over time after hearing this hundreds of times and feeling worn down – we start to believe it. We internalise his voice only in the mind it sounds like our own voice. Thing is, its not true – non of it.

You feel unable to be your true self in this relationship and this also leads you to feeling angry; you give up trying, you maybe communicate in a similar same way he does, I know I did, this can leave you feeling awful and to blame, but this isn’t your true self – it’s the angry given up you, you’re simply not free to be in an abusive relationship – don’t feel accepted, nothing is ever good enough.

You sound like you feel like you’re going mad, this was the last straw for me, I couldnt cope not knowing what was real and what was not anymore so I told him to leave; I think if he were to go to his flat and you were to put him out of your life – after a few months you would start to see and feel the difference – with him removed from the situation when he is unable to influence your thoughts x

[Flyflyaway]

Omg! Goingthrough it, your situation sounds so similar to mine especially at the early stages anyway.. My partner is from a poor country, where men are seen as far more superior then women and that women have to do everything for them. They twist the truth so much ive noticed and its always in the most negative, demeaning ways. When you cry they get angry, my parner also watches murder shows everynight and when i ask him why, he said he can learn things! That wouldnt seem weird if he wanted a career in the law, which he doesnt. I am with you at being angry, then you blame yourself, then you feel strong then weak again. Your mind goes over and over everything again and again trying to make sence of it but thats what the abuser wants, they love that we lose our souls trying to find the answer to this mess because that means we are still giving them our energy at the same time, even if its not directed at them, the confusion state is where they want us to be, they never loved us, they use us for anything they can,make us lose everything, then once theyve acheived this, they leave and start the cycle all over again with the new supply. We need to get out of this bubble that theyve created for us, its not real love. You have the upperhand that he has his own place even if it doesnt feel like it. It will come in handy when you get the strengh to get rid of him.

[Goingthroughit]

Thanks for your reply fizzylem
Well he text me earlier saying he wants nothing more to do with me only communication about the child blamed me for everything and went to his place thing is I don’t care I just hope it’s for good and I will not beat myself up about this I’m sick of feeling like this it’s not my fault he won’t communicate gives me the silent treatment when I try to tell him how I feel or if he has done something I don’t like to have been woth someone so long and whole heartedly supported them it’s hurtful But every cloud has a silver lining

What’s recovery like?

[Goingthroughit]

Hi fly fly away
Yes I have given him enough well to much of my energy he left this evening to his new flat where all his stuff was already he said he wants no communication only about our child I’m ok with that let’s just hope that’s how it stays what I keep telling myself is that it’s not me I can compromise he can’t it’s his way or no way and I can’t deal with that and because I don’t I’m punished with the silent treatment and I get called names I can’t even talk to my males neighbours who I have known all my life because he thinks it’s disrespectful towards him lost count of the amount of times I have hidden from a neighbour or pretended I haven’t seen them and why because my husband would have given me hell if he would have seen me…
I just want to find me again because the old me is still in there somewhere without his voice in my head it’s like anything I do I think of how he would react manicures forget it I’ve been so blind but at the same time I could see but accepted it why have I done that I have a feeling he will be back but this time I’m not going to let him I’m out
Message me anytime it’s nice to speak woth people that know what it feels like
X*x

[Flyflyaway]

I used to be positive outgoing and bubbly but he killed that out of me as he has a negative remark about everything especially about me. If i had a drink and got a bit loud and confident hey would go mental and say thinhs like i dont recognise you when your drunk, thats not the type of person i want to be with. Witch is funny considering everyone in my life never once made a complaint if anything they loved how much fun and confident i was to be around. Ive not been aload clubbing since then which was a few years ago. The sad thing is i lost my sparkle and his negativity has rubbed of on me please dont let this happen to you. The double standard’s, the threatening to leave, and the not being able to admit being emotionally abusive with nearcissit traits is the same in my partners case. After dealing with his abusive outbursts and demeaning comments, ive gave up defending myself because i become after time frightened and drained of fighting back. I used to want to stay in this relationship, get strong and then make a decision, but now ive realized ive got to leave the abuser in order to get strong and then the fog will clear shortly after. Sorry for writing so much on your wall, its just i felt like i could massively relate to your post

[Flyflyaway]

I wrote the last comment before i seen your reply, i will reply to your latest now hun xx

[Flyflyaway]

Wow you actually inspire me, i can hear real strength in the way you speak. My partner used to be like that, he wouldnt just delete male friends out of my life but even female ones. Now hes no longer jealous because i dont look like the same confident beautiful girl i once was, to put in nicely i look nearly homeless most of the time because he intentionally makes all my time about him. He wont give me privacy whist washing, taking a poo, have to eat what he wants, spend the little money i have whilst he saves his, tells me when to go to bed, threatens me he will leave me if i dont get pregnant, smoke or if my anxiety disorder plays up. I am on his rota, only i can stop this before the damage is to late. I miss being me to hun. Your future self will gain mental strength now that youve seen him for what he is and your child deserves the best in life and only will get that by you his mum being happy and being treated normally by others. We only get one life so why should we allow this unworthy misery and pain by aperson who treats us less then dog s**t. Keep staying strong, my new mantra is: This is not my Destiny

[Goingthroughit]

Omg flyaway don’t apologise I am ever so happy u keep writing to me if you like you can even private message me please do.
And I’m am exactly the same as you I’m 20kg over weight I also look homeless he says sometimes I need to lose weight but then when I actually do it he would offer me take away it’s like he didn’t want me to actually do it I have been now I’m trying and I WILL get there and so will you please do the same he sound really nasty as well and you are sooo right we get one life

But I am in love with my abuser well I think I am either that or I depend on him because I feel so worthless u know what I mean

Anyway little one was unwell today so he cane to her dr appointment and do u know he had the cheek to say I am the abuser because I talk about problem and I said what u mean telling you how u make me feel and that telling me I can’t go gym etc he said yeah but u go on and on I said that not abuse that’s me trying to break your abuse and trying to let u know I’m a human to I need to see friends without u punishing me after with silent treatment and I walked away.
Once I was on the phone and was invited to a old woman’s birthday that was all women he said who’s that awww go I said ok I’ll just drop off her gift wasn’t even there an hour came home and oh my god silent treatment abuse name calling and he was the one who told me to go.

If u like fly away private message me we can share stories if like that xx

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