Help ladies please

[Lifebegins]

Hi all,

I have a few questions that I need help with.

What do you do re: child contact whilst the charges are being investigated by the police? I’m waiting to speak to my solicitor tomorrow but my IDVA and the investigating officer advised not to let my son go to his Nan’s where my ex has been bailed as he could keep him there and there’s nothing I could do about it. Is this correct? I’ve had just had a very businesslike email from my mother in law not asking if she can come by to drop some bits my son left at her house earlier this week but when can she come by. (if you’ve read my posts earlier this week my ‘supportive’ mother in law and the rest of the in laws have become distinctly ‘unsupportive’ now my ex has been arrested. I’m trying not to let it get my back up but who does she think she is? Another bully in the family! If she’d asked me I would be amenable as I don’t want my son to suffer because of his dad’s action. But I don’t know what the right course of action is for contact with my ex and his family.

2nd question: (detailed removed by moderator). But I’m concerned now he’s turning the abuse allegation back onto me. Do you ladies have any experience of this you can share?

Many thanks. I’ve had another 3 hour police interview today and shattered but got that email and I’m wired now!

[Soulsearcher18]

Don’t panic, or feel pressured by the other side.
Zero contact, unless through a third party, e.g. solicitor.
Turn them all off for a while too, block numbers, change phone etc- you don’t need that stress.
You certainly have enough time to go to your solicitors and get their advice before making any decisions.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure what else to say except that not taking responsibility, e.g. for finances and then blaming/turning things on you sound like a perpetrator tactic. It’s a bit hot this evening and not got my thinking cap on.
The other women will be along with some sound advice and experiences I am sure but definitely turn them off for now- they can all pipe down and blather on among themselves. You need some space to get your own stuff straight and in order.
I’m sorry if I sound really direct, my lack of patience is not aimed at you at all. I just have zilch patience for perpetrators and their supporters-fools.

Well done by the way, you are doing great.

Soulsearcher18

[Lifebegins]

Hi Soulsearcher18.

That’s good advice. I didn’t think to extend zero contact to ex-family too. I’m on my own here as my family far away so don’t need to be ganged up on by his.

And I agree about the finances being a perpetrator tactic. How I managed them was a a good excuse to berate me and moan at me all the time. He’d go mad if I even wanted to talk about our finances!

Thanks Soulsearcher18 I needed that reassurance for a good nights sleepxx

[iliketea]

Hi, from what I’ve been reading in my fast track psychology phd in the last week is this tactic is 100% to be expected. It’s a wild animal doing everything he can in one last ditched effort to retain the control and power he’s lost.

1. Definitely don’t let your son go to his nans. Very dangerous. He will he used as a pawn and you need to protect him. You become that wild animal too. In a good way though, a mother protecting their child at all costs! There’s time in the future where your son and him can have a relationship, right now a few days, weeks even months will not hurt.

2. Denying everything – he’s showing his true colours. To be expected. Turn it around. The police have seen it all before. Why would a woman go to the lengths you have to do this if it wasn’t true? Bottom line. “Control finances”! Who has the good job? Who maintains that whilst dealing with an abusive partner? The point here is the reason how we amazing strong intelligent women end up in these relationships and stay in them is that we are super RESILIENT!! We have super powers of the stuff. In every other aspect of life this is a good thing… but in an abusive situation it acts against us, because we put up with the rubbish. BUT we can turn it around again and use those superpowers to not put up and to get out…which is what you have done and what you will continue to do.

You are an amazing strong woman and you have totally got this. Deep breaths, lots of water, healthy food, fruit, veg avoid the booze, too much caffeine and sugar and exercise if you can. These are your tools for keeping sane and getting through. Keep posting. We’re all here supporting you. X*x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Life Begins,

How are you this morning? Glad to read you are back in your own house now, just as you should be.

I agree with what the others have said about the contact. No contact for your son with paternal family for now and no contact with Dad.

Your ex is on bail for a maximum of 28 days. Your case will now be sent to the Crown Prosecution Service for a Charging Decision. This means they will review the evidence the Police have submitted to see if there is a realistic prospect of a conviction of offences at Court. It will be based on a Not Guilty Plea so it would mean a trial and you would have to give evidence in Court. Please don’t let that panic you. The Victim Code means you will get a lot of support and something called Special Measures put in place to make things easier. If CPS report there is insufficient evidence to continue then the matter will be returned No Further Action (NFA) and your ex will be released from his bail. So for now, you have around another 23 days to see what happens next.

During the next 23 days is when a lot of ladies start to waver. You really have to dig deep now and be resilient again. Now is not the time to try to be ‘fair’. Being fair is when things turn against us. DO NOT under any circumstances allow your son to see his Dad, even if your mother-in-law says she will be present etc. If your ex goes off with your son there is nothing that can be done to get him back without going to Court, both of you have Parental Responsibility. These are also dangerous times when children are murdered in the murder/suicide situations. Once an abuser realises the game is up and he has lost control then this is the chance to get the ultimate revenge on his ex. You CANNOT take any chances at all with your son’s safety here.

No matter how well you got on with your mother-in-law before, you need to keep that distance for now. Her formal actions to you now are likely to be for a number of reasons. You said before that she told you her son is like his father. Your MIL knows what her son is like. The fact you have now gone to the Police and he has been arrested means the family are having to face the truth of his actions. They have probably ignored it for so long and just hoped it ‘wouldn’t get worse’ or you’d just ‘keep on keeping on’. There is probably some uncomfortableness, guilt, embarrassment, shame on their side and they don’t really know how to deal with it. My son’s paternal grandparents were the same with me too during all of the court processes, but once it was over we made contact. They too knew exactly what their son was like but have since been a great support to me and have had ongoing, regular contact with their Grandson through me for years.

If you allow your MIL contact at your house and allow her to come round, you run the risk of her trying to talk you out of things, trying to minimise what happened, try to talk you in to withdrawing your complaint. You do not need anyone telling you these things now. Carry on listening to the professionals and take that advice. Sometimes it’s quite hard and ruthless advice, and many ladies start to think “hang on a minute, you don’t know him, he’s not that bad” and this is when they then start to feel sorry for their abuser, start to think of his good points and then start to doubt that they shouldn’t have gone to the Police and feel they have now ‘overreacted’. Trust me, you haven’t overreacted. The fact you have been assessed as High Risk proves that.

There are going to be some days within the next 23 days where no one gets in touch with you from the support agencies. These can be lonely days, these can be days where you miss your ex and start to doubt what you have done. This is where you start to notice what life is like without him around and you learn to adjust to your new life. It can be hard adjusting to your ‘new normal’. It may feel odd or strange, you will find yourself missing some aspects of having him around. Again, this is when ladies waver and think “I’m not ready for this yet, I want him back, maybe his arrest will be the wake up call he needs to change his ways and things will be better now.” The ladies who make those choices end up calling the Police again a few weeks or months down the line.

If your son is missing his Dad then you need to reassure your son that his Dad is staying away because of legal procedures and not something that your son has done. You may tell him that if Dad could contact him he probably would, but Dad is in a bit of trouble at the moment and until it is sorted out he cannot have contact. Your son needs to be aware that none of this is his fault in any way at all, and if ‘legal procedures’ or ‘because the Police said so’ are phrases you use to let him know why he can’t see or speak to his Dad then use them. Many children start to worry that they aren’t seeing a parent because of something they have said or done, or that the absent parent is now not wanting to see or speak to them, so although your ex is an abuser, your son needs to be reassured that his Dad hasn’t abandoned him.

I’ve got to dash off now and haven’t had time to read this back before posting so I hope it doesn’t come across as too stern or anything. I think you’ve done amazingly well this week.

[Lifebegins]

Thanks iliketea and Wants To Help, some much needed advice gratefully received. I’m absolutely exhausted today. Had my first meeting with the IDVA today and she was great. But I’m so drained going over it again and again and so many incidents that I’d forgotten about are flooding back. Feel like running away. But I’m not going to.

So my plan is ignore the email from MIL and zero contact. I’m hoping to speak to a solicitor this afternoon and I’ll take further advice from them.

What do you think about Face Time for my son and ex? And his family? I couldn’t care less about their needs but I don’t want to deprive my son of contact.

Wants to Help can I ask how long you went no contact with your ex and his family? Did you get a court order and then allow contact? I guess I just don’t want me son to start resenting me as he can’t see them.

I think this has been the longest week of my life….but at least I’m not being abused 🙂

[Wants To Help]

I’ll PM you

[Author]

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