Help me

[Ariana]

Hi girls.. I’ve been gone a number of weeks and up u till now j have been ok..quite numb actually and enjoying the rest and freedom. I had a night alone last night which doesn’t do me good as I overthink… I then awoke in a cold sweathavkng had a dream that he was happy with another women and it made me feel sick. I have been up and down all day crying..confused.. having an absolute wobbly.. feeling guilty. I have felt on the verge if s panic attack. I dont understand… I lnowuve done the right thing and I was so miserable with him I so badly wanted this more than anything.so whydi I feel like scurrying back to hell..why?? Xx

[Bettertimesahead]

I get this. My husband went approx (detail removed by moderator) months ago and we are in the middle of a v messy separation.Although I miss being able to.tell him stuff etc I keep reminding myself of the lies he told me , the times he was drunk and in bed in the day whilst I was out working, the lack of respect for me despite what he said about loving me, his behaviour didn’t reflect it. I have written a list of ” bad things ” and go back to it when I feel bad for him/us.

[Eggshells]

Hi Ariana

Just wondering if you’ve ever heard of trauma bonding? It can sometimes explain these feelings. If you google trauma bonding and have a read. I find a site called Betterhelp do a really good explanation.

It might also be useful to have a look at codependency. Braelynn has done a really good explanation of it. Try putting codependency into the search box in the forums. xx

[Ariana]

Hey..I have heard of trauma bonding and I really think it’s the case .. I’ve blocked out all the bad things which is rediculous because it was so bad I was soooooo miserable and hated him so much. I happened to have a call from my local womens aid the next day and arranged some counselling sessions.. I’ve also signed up to the freedom project. I keep receiving messages from him telling me how much he loves me how hed do anything for me… it’s so hard but I just have to keep reminding myself that hes just love bombing rk try to manipulate me back to where he wants me. I need to block him again .. I’m all over the place really.. I’ve learned that I’m not good on my own.. I need a friend to keep me company through this.. my family members have been great at talking sence into me and stopping me from returning he paints a picture that life will and can be amazing as now he has apparently seen the error in his ways and realises he has to change… but weve been here 5 times already and it always regressed and got worse. He is trying to persuade me to return home promising that he will live elsewhere but this is because he knows what a great support network I have in my hometown. He wants me where he can get to me and control my whole life. It’s so tempting in a practical way to fo back as I wouldnt have to move.. change kids schools or start again but longterm it would be worse. I’ve started myself to have 3_4 glasses of wine per night so that o can fall asleep not caring..I’m on anti depressants as well but I’m going to speak to gp to up my dose. I drink I need to block him again. I was fine until he made contact xx

[Lazarus17]

Ariana, I think we’ve all been there. Firstly, block him. Absolutely no contact – you’ve gotta go cold turkey on this. Really hard to do, I know, especially when they’re using every manipulative play in the book, but I don’t know another way.

Cut back on the booze too – you’ll reminisce about “the good old days” – and it’s not good for you!

Find yourself something to do for you. Something that calms your soul (I started walking – literally taking time to smell the roses!)

Make a list on your phone of every bad thing he did/does – it’s to hand to remind yourself that he’s not what he says.

I know everyone says it gets easier with time, and I know it’s difficult to believe, but it really does! You’ll wobble every now and then, but the wobbles do become less and less over time.
If your family are supportive, talk to them! My family have said that if I wobble, I’ve got to tell them so they can give my head a wobble instead 😂

[AbbeyRoad]

Hi Ariana, you need to take back control, you’re feeling like this because control over your own life has gone. I know it’s hard out there right now but have you a way of working. If you become in control of your own finances then whatever happens doesn’t matter, if he wins more of the house than he should you can still create a life regardless. You are still so reliant on his money to support you. A little job and the ability to have childcare is hard but it’s possible there are many single mums who do it, many of of my friend do. Imagine having a little job, your own income to do what you want to do, him out your life and all the money you make is yours. You wont become homeless because it’s go nothing to do with him and his money and how much he decides to give you. How free would you feel from his grasps and how that would make him feel, pretty s**t I imagine. He is still too powerful a force in your life, from meeting you, his emails, and even your solicitors comments. Break free yourself from him and break all ties.

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