Help me

[Darkclouds321]

It’s the end. He did it again, I don’t know why. I don’t know why he hates me so much. Again he has physically hurt me and left marks. It’s out my hands there was a witness. But I feel so confused and hurt. It’s built in me to run back I feel like I have betrayed him. I didn’t actually phone them someone else did.
But today the impulse to run back and reach out is unbearable

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Darkclouds321,

I see that your confused and hurt. Try and look back at all the times attacks have happened before, and how it happened now. The chances, are you know it will happen again.

You shouldn’t feel like you betrayed him, when in truth he betrayed you, by falsely letting you believe in what was supposed to be a loving relationship. He lost the privilege of you in his life when he raised his hand at you.

Seek out the help you need DV support, friends, family. Use your new found freedom and bring back the true you- before all this.

Remember how courageous, brave and strong you are for leaving. Keep going.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Darkclouds321

You haven’t done anything wrong, its not personal to you, and he has intensified the bond you have to him through abuse.

Its all about him, him and his need to have power and control over you, and if in the normal daily life he feels that you are threatening his power and control he will attack you, in many ways, not just physically, but emotional, by guilting you, or psychologically by minimising his assaults and gaslighting you.

Its really not pesonal to you, its who he is, he will do this to anyone he’s in an intimate relationship with, and possibly others around in his life. Its a case of not if it will happen again, but when, because no matter what he says, sadly, its vanishingly rare for someone like this to change, or even want to.

Your choices when you are in such a relationship are significantly reduced, because of fear of his reactions and the conditioning that he puts you through, which make it so hard to not go back to him.

Its incredibly brave of you to recognise that this is a problem, and to write that here looking for answers, not easy, as, like you say, it can feel like betrayal. What matters though is that those who commit crimes should face the consequences for their acts and be prevented from repeating that harm on others. If you weren’t intimately involved with him you would see from the same perspective as others, that hitting, scaring and lying to women is wrong, and its a criminal offense. He’s a full grown adult and he needs consequences for the hurt and pain he is continually causing you.

Having said all that, you are an adult too, and have your own decisions to make, there are no judgements here about what those decisions are, we’re here to help no matter what choices you make. Ihope you feel free to keep asking for anything you need and can feel support here for your situation.

To understand why he hates you so much you would have to understand his internal workings, as I say, its not personal that he hates you, its his absolute insistence on absolute power and control of you. Something noone can change except him, but it is hating on you, and you do deserve so much better in life than being treated this way.

warmest wishes

ts

[Darkclouds321]

My rational head I know I deserve better I know my kids deserve better. One of them was involved in this incident and could have been seriously injured.
He has no care for me or the safety of them. But why, the hate on his face when he did that to me was awful that’s what I keep picturing why did I deserve that.
Yet still I want to run to him and fix it as I always do because it’s built in me to keep going
It’s this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach from the moment I wake up to going to bed

[Twisted Sister]

I understand that feeling. You didn’t want it to be over, and if it wasn’t for his behaviour you wouldn’t have left, but that behaviour is also him, and no matter how very hard you try to fix this, or make it better, won’t change. Like you say, he has no care for the risk he is putting the children under, and you do. For that alone he needs to face consequences, to have risked the life of your children is unforgiveable.

I know that we all believe that we should love and forgive and forget, but a father/partner cannot hide behind a ‘sorry’, please forgive me. Sorry is for accidents, things you genuinely didn’t mean to do, but being deliberately abusive in order to make your partner behave and fall in line, AND feel sorry for you into the bargain is a whole other deal, and sorries /forgivenesses do not apply.

He should be ashamed of scaring his partner /children, thats how he should be feeling, and in order to keep those he loved safe he should be walking away, but its not about that, as that would mean him losing control, and that won’t happen.

You take care of you, you do deserve better, and you don’t have to fix others, no matter how much you love them, only they can do that.

warmest wishes

ts

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