10th October 2021 at 3:16 pm #132329brokenheartedgirl1234Participant
my husband found my new phoen number somehow and he got sooo many of his friends to text me (detail removed by moderator).
there is an ongoing police investigation because he assaulted me and my family.
he called me (detail removed by moderator) on unknown and was saying how i should drop everything and how he knows how i made a statement and the police told him.
he said if i dont drop the case my family will get in trouble and so will he.
he started crying and said he wants to commit suidcide if i dont drop it he said he cant handle prison. i love him, but hes done this before when i reported the abuse, he makes a false claim against (detail removed by moderator) and told me to drop the case he then (detail removed by moderator) he said im evil for wanting to report him and that why should i ruin his life.
he said hes getting a place for us and we are gonna not live with his (detail removed by moderator) (they are both abusive to me too).
but the thing is in the past he didnt drop the case (detail removed by moderator) and he emptionally and physically abused me for reporting him he never let me forget what i did.
should i still pursue the case.. if i dont innocent family members may get in trouble because of me.
should i go back to him? i know hes hurt me sooo much
the abuse was so bad he threatened to burn my face(put fire right next to my face), he ripped my clothes, he spat on me, threw me off the bed and kicked my stomach when i was pregnant (he was the cause of my miscarriage)
why do i sit here and still love him? despite his malicious actions against my own family.
if you was me would u give him another chance and drop the case?
everyone around me is saying he doesnt love me but they dont know what he does for me and after speaking to him today i remmebr everything hes ever done for me
hes always fighted for me and has never given up on me
i know he hits me should i go back?
i dont have any dv support services im waiting on them
shall i still pursue the case ?
10th October 2021 at 4:50 pm #132332KIP.Participant
Please don’t drop the charges and please ring the police right away and report his contact. He’s already shown you his true colours so please believe him, he won’t change. You’re stuck in a trauma bond. Take a huge step back. He’s trying to manipulate you again, this time isolating you from the real people who care about you. Loving him won’t stop the harm he’s doing you. Love him from a distance until your head catches up with your heart. He won’t ever change but you can. Report the contact. Ask for bail conditions if you don’t already have them because this is the start of his harrassment. Threats of suicide are very common from abusers. Crying and pleading is just a big act for them. I caught mine smirking after he’d changed my mind but the abuse began again soon after.
10th October 2021 at 5:08 pm #132334EggshellsParticipant
Don’t go back to him. He now has an axe to grind with you and regardless of what he says, the abuse will be worse than ever.
If you have received threatening texts show them to the police and use them to get a non-molestation order against him.
10th October 2021 at 10:38 pm #132342Grey RockParticipant
If you go back and / or drop the charges it would be for his wellbeing not your own. It’s a typical response to an abuser being held accountable for his actions. He’s wriggling. He is doing and say exactly what my ex did. Please do block his number. Report any contact to the police. They can follow up any suicide threats / times he suggests he’s doing it (they went round on a number of occasions when my ex said he’d taken pills etc. Each time they found him safe and comfy entertaining himself quite normally). On one occasion I did rush over as I was scared for his life and arrived to find that he’d predicted I’d do just that and was so confident that he’d taken (detail removed by moderator) ready for a celebratory reconciliation. Oh the lies!!
Yes, there are likely to be consequences for him. These aren’t your fault. They’re not punishing him because of you, but because of his actions.
Have you requested a Claire’s Law disclosure? They did one for me at the stage you’ve found yourself at. I found that there was a strong pattern to his behaviour!! All his supposedly crazy nasty ex’s weren’t as crazy or nasty as he’d made out.
We find ourselves stuck in FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt. There is a very helpful book called Out of the Fog. I also found Dr Ramanis YouTube videos very useful. Women’s Aid can help too. This is such a tricky bit to get through.
Please be super cautious about trusting people with your contact info at this stage. Your phone company should change your number free of charge if you tell them it’s linked to harassment that is being investigated by the police. I felt very torn about cutting all potential contact as I kind of felt like recieving communication from him would at least give me an indication of what he was thinking or doing. It didn’t. Everything he ever said or texted was lies and manipulation at best, abusive and threatening at worst. I wish I’d cut off his ability to contact completely much sooner. There was nothing useful about it at all.
The light shines in the darkness and the darkness WILL NOT overcome. Xx
10th October 2021 at 11:09 pm #132345TiaMariaParticipant
Hey there brokenheartedgirl1234,
I am so sorry about how painful this all is. I remember the feeling of loving someone despite how horrific they were to me.
I would really suggest reading this article on trauma bonding: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
It explains how abusers lure us in and how both chemical and emotional bonds are formed to that abuser despite how cruel and abusive they are to us.
Please don’t drop the case and please stay away from him. He is extremely dangerous. Please report this contact to the police.
10th October 2021 at 11:34 pm #132347Grey RockParticipant
Thanks for that link TiaMaria. I had a read and have bookmarked it on my phone for my next wobble-day. (I still get them occasionally).
11th October 2021 at 9:35 am #132353brokenheartedgirl1234Participant
hi everyone thank you so much for the support! it means so much!
i am going to tell the police today he somehow found my number. I feel so scared and sad i have to report someone i really love.
he reminded me in the phonecall of everything he did for me and i undeniably feel like he loves me.
he was like(detail removed by moderator)
i know i didnt speak to him in long but hearing him say that absolutely broke my heart and made things more real for me.
he kept calling me and my family saw what its foing to me so i told them to take my phone away.
i know trauma bonding is a thing is that why i cryed so much and went practically mad when he said that?
(Detail removed by moderator)
hes so likeable. i was doing so well before i spoke to him now im back to square 1
11th October 2021 at 11:20 am #132355EmptybutfreeParticipant
Please report it.
What I’m going to say might not be liked by a lot of people…
But it’s ok to still love him. That because you’re a good person with a good heart, it is nothing to do with him or what he has done for you.
In my own personal circumstance, my abuser could be the best person ever and did so many positive things for me… that didn’t stop him from hitting me in the face, almost strangling me to death and smashing my head (detail removed by moderator)… would you advise me to go back to him?
Think about it. I once dropped charges, it never ends well, it will never change. He is saying the things you want to hear, reminding you of the nice (FAKE) person he can be.
Please believe me, I’ve been there. You will end up seriously hurt, if not worse.
Take all the help and support you can get. Were all here xx
11th October 2021 at 1:25 pm #132361Wants To HelpParticipant
If you are having suicidal thoughts please reach out to your local Crisis Team or call 999 and ask for the ambulance service. Living with all this trauma and being confused about what choices you should make for the best is so very hard. There will be people to talk to and help you through this day.
@emptybutfree, you have shared some great words of wisdom and advice. It’s so good to read that you are now safe and have left that relationship behind. I am so lucky that I was never put in a near death situation with my abuser, but there were times when my situation was so bleak that I also considered suicide as an option. Thankfully, help and support was just a phone call away. @brokenheartedgirl, please make that phone call.
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