Help me make sense of this, please

[TeaTeaTea]

So, my partner (detail removed by moderator) with my mum and stepdad. I couldn’t be there. My partner took the opportunity to tell them that he feels under-appreciated and wants to walk out. He said that I am depressed, I don’t talk to him, spend all my time on my phone, don’t do anything around the house, that I don’t look after myself and weigh more than I ever have done. He said he didn’t feel that I would cope on my own. He essentially made himself out to be the victim and my whole family were feeling sorry for him, as my mum spoke to others about what he’s said.

My mum came to see me because she was worried, but he doesn’t know she’s been over. I corrected everything he said, some of it outright lies, and told her what he is really like.

My parter had ASKED my mum to speak to me about all this. I really don’t understand what he’s playing at with this!! He wanted all this to get back to me…why? Is he trying to get her to end our relationship for him?

[maddog]

He’s trying to cause rifts in your family and support system. My ex wrote letters to my family. I told my family not to respond and if they were worried by his correspondence to hand it over to the police. I don’t think they did as they didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.

When your partner is saying all the things that are wrong with you, it’s not you he’s talking about. It’s him.

Are you able to ask your mum not to have contact with your partner? Blood is thicker than water. He is hoping to destroy your confidence and your relationships with your friends and family. It is all about control.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello TeaTeaTea, he’s trying to get your family on his side, by pretending to care about you, he’s actually telling them what he’s doing(it’s called projecting).
I’m glad you got the chance to talk to your mum without him being there. He sounds very manipulative. Of course theyll believe him, because they care about you, he’s pretending to in order for them to not see its him, not you, doing everything he’s said.
He’s trying to get her to keep you in the relationship that’s all. Keep educating your mum, you’re going to need an outside ally. Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet. Try your local group if you cant get through on the national helpline. You’ve done so well in reaching out.
I agree with @Maddog, he’s trying to erode your confidence and your support network. It’s all about power and control

IWMB 💕💕,

[diymum@1]

You know its such a common thread as far as DV. my ex did this too he tried to blackmail my family into submission. These men are so transparent really and use the same tactics. If you look at it this way what a powerful way to try to convince you your going crazy, to use your very own family. The closest people to you, the people who you care deeply about what they think of you. VERY powerful and they know it theyre not daft but there sameyness makes us that one step ahead! xx

[diymum@1]

and furthermore all disguised as being concerned for you! A disguise if you disarm him he will have no power. Try to read more understand whats happening and you can disclose him to your family. Don’t let him away with this xx DIY

[freedomtochoose]

I would confirm this is a common tactic, otherwise maybe described as ‘divide and rule’.
Don’t underestimate your ex’s attempts at manipulation. I lost my entire birth family due to
that. I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing this.

Stay strong
ftc
x

[diymum@1]

Hi There,

I came across this online its called toxic triangulation –

Heres a wee bit from it this sounds familiar xx

(detail removed by moderator) enjoy using triangulation as a mind game that enables them to gain a sense of power and control over multiple people simultaneously. It confirms to them their own grandiosity – after all, aren’t they superior if they have all these people competing for their approval and validation? They certainly think so.

The more you read the more it all make sense! xx DIY definitely another school day xx 🙂

[PurpleCloud]

Hi. I’m new to this forum, and i’m So glad I’ve joined. I saw this and thought “this actually happens to other people too”. I read the responses and it’s helped a little. My boyfriend, normally after arguments will often contact his parents. He will tell them we’ve fallen out and he can’t deal with me anymore. “She’s so stressed out and takes it out on me, can I stay round for the night” course he never goes. He calls them after he has physically hurt me. I’ll be sitting on the floor thinking “is this actually happening”. He’ll say “if you don’t talk to your parents about how you’re feeling I will have to call them myself because I can’t deal with you, i’m Worried about you”. His most common thing is to kiss and cuddle me, and he’ll tell me “i’m Here to support you, you mean the world i’ll Help you through this”. That whole time, my thoughts are going crazy. I’m thinking, he’s just attacked me physically and verbally, but he’s saying him and his family will help me. I am always lost for words and say nothing. Does anybody have any tips on how to react in this situation? I tend to just… not react. I’m utterly speechless.

[Iwantmeback]

PurpleCloud, kissing and cuddling is their way off letting them in their own heads say what they’ve done wasnt so bad cause you’re letting them comfort you or worse, they want sex with you, and while their thinking oh this is great I can do anything to her and she’ll still have sex with me. I’ve had my face battered against a worktop, knocked down for protecting my dogs, yet always had sex later on, not because I wanted him to comfort me but to not Let a bad situation get worse. It’s their way of fooling themselves that what they do to us isn’t wrong😠
IWMB 💕💕

[Daisy]

My abuser used to say, after a beating “i’ll Never let anyone hurt you ever you know that don’t you” yet he was the only one who ever had, often.
How warped was that and there was I hurting, humiliated and feeling worthless, quiet or apologising for no real reason other than to keep the peace , and hoping things dudn’t Start up again with my inner little cheeky survivor’s voice silently telling me what a suck minded bully he was
X x x

[PurpleCloud]

Thanks for all your responses. Daisy, that is exactly my situation. I find myself often apologising to keep the peace. He often responds with “I’m glad you understand what you did wrong because I don’t enjoy hurting you, it breaks my heart but i’ve Found you don’t listen when I talk, so I have to do this, and i’m Never going to change unless you do”. He’ll say we’re a team. That nobody knows what i’m Like to live with, not even my family. He says everybody else gets to see the bad bits but he lives with me and so sees it all and so that’s the reason he treats me the way he does. He then adds; “but I love you and i’ll Always be here”. He says he lives me more than anyone; often describes this by saying, more than my friends and family because he “see’s me more”. I’ve never told anybody any of this stuff, or even wrote it down, he’s actually “crazy” at times but I always feel as if i’m The crazy one.
💕 and DIYmum, you’re absolutely right. His parents will always defend him and deep down I know that. One time, he was shouting at me whilst his parents were there, something which shocked me because he’d never ever done that. He through (detail removed by Moderator) onto the (detail removed by Moderator) tiles and it smashed (it was plastic). I thought “his parents have finally seen this”. I was hoping for a good response but they helped him clean it up and told him to stop being silly and they didn’t say a word to me. I thought it was utterly bizarre. This was (detail removed by Moderator) before we were set off to go (detail removed by Moderator) for (detail removed by Moderator) and that was the first time I called my parents and said what had happened, I excluded lots of the details obviously but I explained what had happened briefly and my Mum just said to me “that’s not normal”. I remember thinking; I cannot go away with this man and his family, not after that response. I did obviously.. but it was just.. bizzare.

[diymum@1]

Hes looking for back up from his parents and gaslighting you and them. They would probably condone his behaviour if they new what he was doing anyway.They say blood is thicker than water,that is true especially in dv. I had this he would call his mum so that she could listen in to the arguement! How rediculous actually very immature behaviour.It means that his family think your crazy or over exagerating what ever the excuse its all so that he can get away with this unacceptable behaviour.
He gets back up and your out numbered feeling like the crazy one. The only way with these families is to go no contact. it can be done and its not easy but tried and tested its actually the only option. xx diy

[KIP.]

He’s trying to cover his behaviour in case he ever gets caught. Discrediting you is a good way to start. I found out later that my ex had been bad mouthing me to anyone who would listen while we were still together. I was doing nothing wrong. I think they sometimes panic that they will be called out on their behaviour so they think by getting their own story in first, they will be believed. You need to forget everything you know about rational reasonable behaviour because these men don’t have any. My ex assaulted me then got his solicitor to write to me about my behaviour. I did nothing. Unbelievable but very dangerous. I think it’s an escalation in behaviour. Be very careful. My ex was also cheating. I think he thought if he was caught cheating people would feel sorry for him because of the way he had portrayed me to them. When his lies were exposed it really was quite shocking.

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