- This topic has 6 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I’m struggling through a tough situation at the moment. Really really tough but won’t detail it in case my post gets deleted. Thing is, my first husband is making it much worse. Saying he will help then making the situation far worse. Lying to make me look bad. Then being sweet as pie again to my face. It’s all made me think about our marriage and how I’m still in the cycle of abuse. But I need to just get a second opinion if that’s ok?
I mean it wasn’t always bad but some things stand out as red flags now we are apart but I didn’t see it at the time. If I used the tweezers and didn’t put them back where he wanted them he would sulk with me. If I said no to sex he would sulk unless I just gave in which I did most of the time. If he was forced to do anything around the house he would sulk. After our second child was born he’d excuse himself from helping with nappies and night times because the baby “wasn’t his idea”. Special days ended up being ruined by something really dumb. Or not even anything at all, he’d end up in a sulk and I’d have no idea why. In the end he had an affair and in the end I was so down trodden I didn’t trust even hard evidence in front of me. He convinced me I was crazy and seeing things. Since our divorce he’s done the same thing over and over. I realise now that I’m still under his control. He’s even re married but sometimes will tell me he made a mistake and that he wishes he had done things differently. But then does something that has the potential to destroy my life. He confuses me so much. Help 😩 How does all that sound to you?
-
He sounds like an abuser. Manipulation is a huge part of abuse. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? The controlling behaviour doesn’t end just because you separate. It’s in their blood. Mine also cheated which seems to be very common too. I’d cut contact with him to an absolute minimum. Maybe set up an email address purely for the children’s affairs. You don’t need to have any contact with him. You can choose who you allow in your life and someone like him will make everything much worse for you. And yes, their aim is to make any situation worse for you. They thrive on your failures and often set you up to fail just so they can gloat and further abuse. I’d cut all contact with him. Sulking is coercive control and coercion into sex is sexual abuse.
-
-
-
Who told you about being discredited? The reason you probably didn’t recognise the abuse with the second husband was because the first one had made it seem normal. Talk to women’s Aid about your situation. It’s not unusual at all to be abused by more than one partner. Especially if one is maybe violent and one emotional. You might think the emotional one is great because he’s not violent. Abuse really messes us up. I was honest throughout and that way there was no surprises. You can bet number one will be discrediting you anyway so when his abuse comes out into the light, he’s already made you out to be unstable. Lean on women’s aid x
-
Kip, my solicitor said that to me. She said it would be like turning the one headed beast into a two headed one. So I have to just sit back and take it, I need him on side for just one thing. If I do anything to displease him now he will throw his toys out of the pram and not do the right thing. I almost think that the pay off isn’t worth the anxiety it’s causing me walking on egg shells. Feel like I’m selling my soul to the devil. Already ordered that book 🙂
-
That must be a horrible place to be. You know how to play him, so play along until you get what you want from him, then distance yourself as much as possible. He’s going to make you sweat for it. Once this whole episode is over, get him out your life. Make sure your solicitor is aware of his abusive nature and likelihood to drop you in it for fun so get her to get what you need from him ASAP x we become good actors when in an abusive relationship so put it to good use meantime x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
