22nd November 2021 at 5:50 pm #134463
Bit of an essay coming, I have been reading these posts as an outsider for a while, but starting to get my act together to get out.
I ended things with the father of my children at the (detail removed by Moderator) but I am stuck living in the same house for financial reasons. We own the house together and have 2 school age children.
He has never actually hurt me or the kids but there have been incidents where this has been more down to lucky escapes on our part. He has mocked me in bed for being unable to keep up with his demands, ridiculed me for being unable to keep up with the housework and had made me feel so anxious, running around trying to clean the house before he came home from work.
Before he moved in with me, I had my own property, car, no debts but once the children came along, I have got in more and more debt. Our finances are seperate and he just sat back and watched me struggle the first few years when we rented before buying, whilst he bought himself expensive trips away with his mates and splashed out on expensive hobbies. He would bale me out when I got really desperate, it made me feel like I had to beg, so the cycle continued. He pays all the bills now, I pay food, clothes, childcare and kids clubs etc, and stil I have nothing left.
I lost my Mum a while back and it was the kick up the bum I needed that life is too short to stay in a relationship where you feel so unhappy. So I tried to save but a series of unfortunate evenys meant the debt got worse.
I work 2 part time jobs now, and have never not worked. Its just not enough to live on.
I refered myself for a mental health assesment (detail removed by Moderator), who identified the past incidents of threatened violence. They referred me for counselling but decided I am not mentally ill. Police were notified and got involved as he owns firearms, these were removed from the property. I had to tell him there and then that things were over between us. I have spent (detail removed by Moderator) sleeping on the sofa but am now basically living in the dining room. He has said that I am mentally ill and when I said thats not true and I have been assessed, he claimed that it was because I know how to play the system.
My kids think he is god and dont recall the incidents. Since the split he has really splashed the cash on them too.
But what now for me? I am at my whits end.
I do not qualify for legal aid. I do not hsve sny family to rely on or that the kids and I could stay with. My credit score is appauling. As I work and part own a home, I am not entitled to any benefits. My car finance is in his name as I could not take it out on my own, I need my car fpr work. He is ademant I am mad and that I am not entitled to even 50/50 from the house as he has had to bail me out due to my bad money management. I am apparently incapable of living without him. But he has moved on, I am aware that he has asked a couple of my friends out for dates! I really want to leave with the kids and get my share of the money from the house but he wont sell and claiming he cannot afford to buy me out. And as for future childcare payments, he has already said he wants 50/50 with the kids so he wont have to contribute. He wont consider selling property until fixed rate ends in (detail removed by Moderator). I am at my wits end, I have spent the last few days sobbing my eyes out as I feel so trapped. Any advice please? I am too nervous/uncomfy to talk to him alone about any of this (had free consultations with 2 solicitors now who both have said to try and get things in writing and avoid talking to him) How does anyone afford a solicitor? Is it worth trying mediation? He just talks down to me and leaves me in such a state that I spend the next few weeks contemplating my own existence.
On the positive side, I dont have to please him sexually anymore. I have a bed to myself, I feel safe shut in my room, but miss cuddling up infront of TV with the kids, and I am not scared of leaving the kitchen untidy anymore.
22nd November 2021 at 6:37 pm #134467Kitkat44Participant
I’m so glad you have found this forum. I’m sure there will be someone along who can advise you. I can hear how stuck you feel and I know that feeling so well it’s soul destroying.
Have you spoken to anyone from Womens Aid? Or your local DA charity?
Rights of women are a legal advice centre they have a website and phone line open n the evenings and a fabulous amount of resources in the form of pdf’s so if you can find time to browse that there may be some guidance there?
Glad to hear you have a safe space to sleeo. Reaching out on here is a huge step towards freedom for you and your children.
22nd November 2021 at 7:37 pm #134473
I emailed Womensaid initially but have done so again today for advice. I have spent a while reading the info on Rights of Women, like you say, theres alot. My situation is quite specific do will give them a call.
My local DA service was next to useless and just pointed me to Womens Aid and Rights of Women.
My ex is incredulous that the Police got involved and said in a very sneery manner that I am only going down the abuse route as there is no other way I can get any help. He has been as nice as pie to me recently too. I hate it. I really do
22nd November 2021 at 7:17 pm #134470ChickadeeParticipant
I will state your situation is sticky.
Abusers make you co-dependent on them for complete Control. He is definitely an abuser.
I am sorry about the loss of your Mum!
(detail removed by Moderator)
Your other option would be to stay til (detail removed by Moderator) when the rate changes. However, this may be a further control tactic on his part. Make sure that the rate changes then. As well, he may just be saying he is willing to do that as a control tactic and you could get to (detail removed by Moderator) and he does not want to get out of it. Which would put you with needing legal to get out of everything anyway.
Just something to contemplate.
Do keep this in mind –
someone coming after you to attack you, or taking a swing at you, etc is of the same concern that someone that actually does the task (they still did it, you just escaped it) Go To an Emergency Shelter if you and the kids need to.
Has it ever occurred to you that all those trips and mates were already him cheating?
You have no mental problems – do not allow him to tell you that you do.
You did everything on your own before him. You are strong, capable, and you can do this no matter what option you decide.
22nd November 2021 at 7:44 pm #134474
I have an established career in this Country and in something specific to the UK. Also not sure I am ready for such a drastic relocation. Also mine snd the kids passports are locked away in his cupboard. I don’t dare to ask for them. If anyone has some bravery…. please send it to me as feelimg very weak right now.
As much as he is a controlling, occasionally nasty piece of work, I can hand on heart say he wouldnt of cheated. I had seen him flirt like crazy with other women in front of me (and the kuds on a couple of occasions) but I think that was for my benefit!! I had refused intimacy with him for months leading up to the break up and although he never forced himself on me, the jokes and teasing at my expense were awful.
I cannot wait til (detail removed by Moderator), I am hoping theres a way out. Seeing a financial advisor this week, see if he can come up with something.
1st December 2021 at 8:03 am #134991PaintingByNumbersParticipant
This might sound super weird but it helped me recently…
When I was ready to end things this time, I braided a small plait into my hair and named it my courage, then I took a piece of fabric and tied it around my wrist and named it my worth, and with the two physical things to hold onto when I needed them, it made it much easier to stand up for myself and say what I needed to to get him out.
Might not work for others, but really helped me when I felt scared and worthless! Xx
22nd November 2021 at 9:08 pm #134485Wants To HelpParticipant
I feel for you being in this situation, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment and getting out of this relationship is going to be costly. The option of fleeing to another country with your children is not a legal one. This would be classed as international parental child abduction under the Hague Convention 1980 and your abuser would be entitled to free legal costs to get the children back. Leaving the country with your children will add to your problems and costs massively.
As the police have been involved is there any chance you can apply for an Occupation Order to get him out of the house? You may have evidence to support your request.
The fact that he has helped you out financially does not affect your stake in the house if it is joint ownership. Depending on whether your mortgage was taken out as Tenants in Common or Joint Tenancy will be the deciding factor. Most couples opt for Joint Tenancy so if one dies the house then belongs to the other. However, if he is going to refuse to sell it then getting a Force of Sale Order is costly, and if you are not married then there is no option of a divorce or divorce settlement.
Would you consider Refuge as an option? There is a cost involved in going to Refuge, I’m not sure if that is an affordable option to you? If you moved out would he be able to afford the mortgage on his own or would it go in to arrears? I know if it went in to arrears it would further affect your credit rating, and his too, but it may be that once he knows you are serious about leaving him and if he can’t afford the mortgage alone and this could lead to repossession etc he may accept you need to legally financially separate too.
Sorry I haven’t got anything positive to add, but when leaving an abusive relationship they will make it so hard for us that we often stay because it’s the easier (but unhappiest) option.
22nd November 2021 at 9:32 pm #134491
Thank you so much for this.
We are not married but own the property as joint tenants. This is our second house together, our first was owned as tenants in common as I put down the entire deposit.
At present, he is paying all the bills minus food and childcare/kids clothes/sports clubs etc. He still seems to have plenty to splash on luxury items. To be honest, he has never fully disclosed to me how much he earns but he has several assets he could sell too. I am sure he could afford it on his own.
The threatened violence was in the past and not sure how I could prove it now. I couldnt even give you the exact date. Not sure if that would be enough for a non occupancy order, but then I would struggle to pay the bills for the house. My ideal would be for him to buy me out or for us to sell the house. Like you say though, rock and hard place. I am not going to last til (detail removed by Moderator)
22nd November 2021 at 10:08 pm #134492
Hey, totally hear you on this one, have been where you are now, actually a lot worse in terms of house situation. Its a good thing you’re named as Joint Tenants, at least you are on the deeds and mortgage. Look up Rights of Women for their info pages on separating in this situation if you are unmarried. Do you have a Declaration or Deed of Trust to further protect any money you have invested in the property since buying, percentage of mortgage payments, refurbishment etc, don’t need to answer but check this yourself online and decide whether you need one.
You don’t need the police to have been involved to apply for an occupation order and a non-molestation order and if your children are young its very likely you will get one. Benefits don’t affect you if you live in the home you own, only if its a second property.
You can get Legal Aid if you don’t have more than £8k in savings. Google it to double check but this may be your best option. Also look up Surviving Economic Abuse and read through their pages and advice. They have an advice line for being in debt. Also, contact CAB and talk it through with them. Try to talk to as many people as possible and you will find some answers, I promise. Solicitors aren’t always costly, some are decent and offer a fixed fee for simple cases. Some offer pro bono work, some work for legal aid, so its worth exploring and asking around.
Please don’t feel hopeless and stuck, it can and will get sorted. You cannot be a prisoner in your own home. I totally feel for you and hear where you are and what you’re going through, I had the same experience, from being an independent woman with a good job, own home, no debt, to being where I am now, its really really tough, particularly when someone else has put us there. But you don’t have to stay there, and more and more this type of economic abuse is getting recognised. Stay strong, keep posting here, and asking questions, someone is bound to have an answer for you. You are not alone. Remember that. Sending you a virtual hug if that’s not weird from a total stranger. x
22nd November 2021 at 10:15 pm #134494
And definitely don’t waste money and time on mediation. Its not recommended for abusive situations and just gives them a platform to spout off, prance around like peacocks for attention from the mediators and speak loudly and with unfounded claims to the fresh air all around – don’t waste your money. Google “is mediation suitable for domestic abuse situations”, its the number one big N O. Its a money making exercise if any solicitor suggests it, I have yet to hear of any domestic abuse situation where the person experiencing the abuse has walked away from mediation with the belief that it was absolutely worth the money and time and that they were happy with the result.x
23rd November 2021 at 6:47 pm #134539
Thanks Iliketea, I have taken on board your comments about looking for different solicitors and spoke to one today who may well have given me an answer to my financial situation. I have a proper consultation next week, 1st hour for free 2nd hour at a reduced rate as part of ‘national divorce week’ It feels like I am forming a bit of a plan. Feels positive and she seemed supportive, she is dealing with my friends divorce case, he was financially controlling. I just had a good vibe from her, felt like I was a bit safer
Will keep you posted
24th November 2021 at 11:27 am #134595
That’s great news, well done, it just takes one and you’re on your way, good fingers crossed they help you find a way out. x
24th November 2021 at 12:06 pm #134597
Hello there, welcome here.
I’ve just read this thread and a few things occur to me that might be useful. Having gone through and survived the most horrendous fiance battle very recently, I represented myself and learned how to do it.
There are things I wish I had known years ago though, my actual divorce is (detail removed by moderator) ago now.
So here we are what occurs to me:
The charitable organisation ‘Surviving Economic Abuse’ may be very useful to you. They have a dedicated helpline which is always very busy, but they really helped me.
They don’t give legal advice however they understand that it is the behavioural aspects of abusers that women sometimes need support with. The calculated coercioon tactics with regard to finances.
It is a classic by the way that they try to convince you you are rubbish with money. That happened to me too, but a mother who is working, running a car and feeding her kids can’t possibly be rubbish with money. it is just a control tactic.
Credit ratings can be rebuilt.
A bit of advice on that one, join your local credit union.
Sign up to Creditwise or similar way of checking your credit rating and one at a time, work on seperating your finances.
I’m not sure what the situation is if you are not married, but consider other avenues of advice such as the Citizens Advice Bureau. Try to tackle one issue at a time, you can contact them via chat on the internet or they will phone you back.
Try and treat the whole thing like a part time job. Important to keep the paperwork in order.
Not sure about refuge. I went to one myself years ago, with my DD. If you find a good one in a place you like with opportunities that might well work for you.
Perhaps start with what to do about the car and phone Citizens Advice on that one or post here.
Namely that they try to hold you in a state of fear, and when you are afraid it is difficult to process information logically, and more than that they try to convince you that certain things are not possible.
For example: abuser saying that he will not sell the house until mortgage term is up.
He is trying to obscure the reality that this decision is not up to him. And he is actually trying to scare you into not going to court. Because he knows that if and when you do, then you will actually have more rights than you think and he doesn’t want you to know that or feel it, or be able to do it.
But you CAN do it. If you have every researched anything, the trick is to learn as much about the process as possible. Engage a solicitor if you need to. But if you have looked into things thoroughly you will find that much of it can be done yourself. And like me, it is difficult but you will feel empowered if you take as much as possible control back regarding legal matters.
24th November 2021 at 10:31 pm #134646
Thank you so much for this Startingoveragain. I have got an amazing financial advisor who is sorting out my finances with me with a view to improving my credit score. Also Stepchange have been amazing.
You are so right about him trying to scare me about going to court. Either that or he simply has no clue.
The solicitor I am meeting is suggesting I can write my own letters and represent myself, but with her guidance to keep costs down.
Thank you so much, will be ringing the economic abuse line soon. Seem to have a lot to consider, like you say, its a part time job x
24th November 2021 at 12:06 pm #134598
Sorry mispelling. First line should have read ‘finance’ battle
24th November 2021 at 12:10 pm #134599
would second the occupation order idea.
Others know more about this than I do no doubt as I didn’t stay in the property but much later was paid half the net equity of the house.
24th November 2021 at 10:37 pm #134648
I really like the idea of treating this whole messed up situation like a part time job. It really does feel like that and its almost a way of taking a bit of the emotion out of it. This is my job now, to get the kids and I out. I want to do what you did, get out, then fight for half the equity in the house
25th November 2021 at 8:38 am #134658
The financial advisor sounds good.
Also can’t remember if I already wrote this but building up a relationship with your local credit union also good.
Have to say, I know I wrote ‘part time job’ with the legal stuff, but actually I would rephrase that and say ‘full time job’
Still, it sounds postive what solicitor said.
Yes, that is the way I worked it too.
The more you know the less you have to pay them.
Just to be clear what you instruct them to do. A lot of people forget solicitor is actually an employee and you are in charge!
25th November 2021 at 8:43 am #134659
Also, it is a really tough thing to face,
but my experience of abusers has been, as far as legal stuff is concerned, they know
EXACTLY what they are doing.
They just use feigned and fake appearance of incompetence or ignorance to cover up their nasty natures.
It’s like they all went to the same school.
Their lessons include the following:
‘Try and scare the woman into not going to court as you have a better chance of intimidating her into learned helplessness if you do it before she gets there…
…once she gets there they have to reckon with a judge..
which is why you get so many not even bothering to turn up…
as they know their behaviour won’t wash with a judge…’
25th November 2021 at 8:45 am #134660
Yes, taking the emotion out of it…worked for me (sometimes!)
Piles of paper, neatly ordered, in date order…
that’s how solicitors do it.
Put a date on file when you next need to look at it…
And inbetween try to get on with your life!
So hard, potentially very difficult and draining.
25th November 2021 at 7:20 pm #134683BananaPancakes-Participant
If you have any magic solution or tips you can give me I’d love to hear. I’m in the same situation. No money to get out and rent somewhere. And probably never will so trapped here in an unhappy relationship. My partner is refusing to believe me when I said it’s over and just ignores me if I mention it. He’s just acting like we are fine which is suffocating me 🙁
25th November 2021 at 8:52 pm #134685
Bananapancakes,yup, I can relate to that. I am going through the rollercoaster of knowing he has been looking elsewhere so hopefully he has realised I am being serious, to me wondering if he just truly believes I am mentally ill. Yes, suffocating is a good way to describe it.
I have been trying to save an amount of money to help with our escape for years but I am now at the stage where I really cannot take any more.
Get as much help and advice as you can, but don’t rush it unless you are in immediate danger. If I try to push forward and get lots of advice all at once, I tend to get emotionally overwhelmed. Littlle steps. Sending a big hug x
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