Help please

[gettingtired]

Everyday recently has been an argument, him threatening to leave or for me to leave, ringing up his parents about how he will move out, just constant bl*w ups.
(detail removed by Moderator) he was ok then blew up about something and is now demanding I move out. Telling me to contact my parents, to tell them to come and move me out. I said ok so he said ok call them now in front of me.

I feel like I’m at breaking point. What do I do?
I need to move stuff out and furniture. I said you’re pretending now but you will sabotage it. He said he will go out for a bit and let them come and move me out. But he’s not going to be reasonable is he?
I feel sick with dread

[gettingtired]

Why has it got so bad and intense?
Does he want me to go then?
It’s got so bad to the point that surely he is now risking me actually leaving.
Threatening to text my family which he has now done.
I still feel so stuck and frozen trying to actually leave, I dont think I can do it

[KIP.]

You need to tell your parents everything and let them take over. You’re traumatised and frozen. Whatever his reasons are now is your opportunity to get out.

[gettingtired]

He sent my family member a message about how he thinks it’s best that I move out. That family member then called me but I don’t think they’d read it yet as they were just talking to me about something else or maybe he’s unsent it. He’s now text me from the other room saying he wants this to work and we BOTH have to try

[gettingtired]

I’ve just found it they had read it but just didnt mention it to me on the phone

[KIP.]

No. He’s a liar and he’s messing with your head. His idea of this relationship is you being tortured. Call this relative back and tell them he says he’s sent this message to them. That you need their help. Call his bluff.

[Anonymous]

The opportunity to leave is now here.

If you don’t take it, you are saying to him in not so many words that you agree to remain in the relationship that you are deeply unhappy in and he can continue to treat you as he wants at will. This will be the reality of your life for the foreseeable.

I’m sorry but this is how I see it x

[gettingtired]

Hello, thank you and you’re right but sadly it’s too late for that now as I’ve allowed him to pull stunts like this for years. I absolutely don’t see a future with him now (well only a mostly unhappy one for me) but I’m still really struggling with actually leaving and not being with him xx

[KIP.]

He’s trying to humiliate you with your relative. It’s what they do. It’s totally unacceptable.

[Hetty]

You’re at breaking point. What else is there to lose? Could you ring your relative and leave? This might be your chance. If we wait for the perfect time or opportunity we might stay forever and live our lives being abused. The day I left I packed my things with my heart nearly coming out of my chest and my legs shaking. I had adrenaline running through me for days. You’ll think more clearly when you’re safe. Take care and keep posting no matter what you decide. You’re not alone xx

[gettingtired]

My relative said they didnt mention it on the phone to me when they rang as theyd rather speak in person. They think it’s just a blip like people getting on top of one another. I think because he is nice to them in the messages and they’re so empathetic and think things are just a bit difficult at the moment. I couldn’t face being honest. I’m so sorry, I feel like I’ve let you all down as well as myself. I really know I have to leave but when things get so intense like that I feel frozen and just cant face it. I know I’m a hopeless case at the moment. He is being nice and reasonable again, making me a cup of tea, asking (detail removed by Moderator) etc even though (detail removed by Moderator) he sulked because I (detail removed by Moderator) but he just sulked and said no it will only p**s you off. He also called me a f***ing b***h.I know it’s all part of the cycle and a temporary lull but I’m exhausted again. I’m sorry xx

[KIP.]

Please please never apologise on here. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. When we are traumatised our rational part of our brain shuts down and the fight and flight part kicks in leaving no room at all to think clearly. I’m glad you’re safe. It’s just another episode you will look back on and see just how nasty and dysfunctional he is. Women return on average 7 times to an abusive relationship. It’s the most difficult thing to walk away from. And stay away from. You will be totally exhausted from the adrenaline rushing through your veins. Just remember it’s not you it’s him. The time for honesty will come but he’s increasing his abuse and involving others which is a huge red flag for you. He just doesn’t care anymore who knows.

[Hetty]

Never apologise. It’s not easy. If it was none of us would have spent years and years unhappy. I spent years going round in circles and this is my second abusive relationship. We are here for you no matter, no judgement xx

[Hawthorn]

Please dont ever apologise for your actions here GT. We understand how difficult it is, you dont have to apologise for yourself. Not to us, not to anyone. None of this is your fault, you are the victim in this situation and however you choose to handle things is nothing to be sorry for. The freeze response to trauma is every bit as natural as fight or flight, and you are being subjected to dreadful trauma at his hands. Journal this experience too, be very kind to yourself.

A relative knows! They might not know much but the door has been opened. Perhaps when you feel stronger try to open up to them about the physical abuse, for people with little understanding of abuse that seems to be the easiest to get their head around. You will be supported and believed, just like you have been here. Baby steps and this is another little step on your road to freedom.

Take the very best care. Try to eat some food and get some rest, this kind of experience is very hard on the body so try to mind yourself as best you can. Big hugs xx

[gettingtired]

I know but you’re all so kind and give such great advice so I feel bad like I’ve let you down. I know what I have to do. There’s no future with him, I know that. I just seem to crave a ‘normal’ where there’s no bl*w ups but I don’t have to go through the fear of leaving but also am not really a partner to him. This is why he says I treat him like a housemate. I know that’s living in a fantasy though wanting that sense of normality.
I don’t know what I’d do without the support of you all, I’m so grateful but I just really hate sounding like a broken record. I really hope my time will come. Xx

[Hetty]

We’ve all been there. It’s really important to feel empowered to make decisions about your life. Goodness knows these men have taken so much from us we aren’t going to judge one another or take away our rights to make decisions. My friends used to say leave, do this, do that, but I had to make my mind up in my own way at my own pace. There’s a lot to consider, very real practicalities, never mind the emotional upheaval. Please don’t feel like a broken record or that you can’t reach out. You’re not alone. Xx

[gettingtired]

Thanks so much Hetty, I’ve stopped telling my friend for this reason, I also felt she was getting a bit irritated when I’d tell her things. She’d say things like ‘I don’t know how you put up with it’ and I had only scratched the surface of things I’d told her. It just made me feel worse.
I really hope I can leave sooner rather than later as I keep panicking that life is only ticking on and I’m wasting time with him.
It’s so tough but I’ll just have to take it one day at a time x*x

[Hawthorn]

Your time will come and you are not alone. I found affirmations were really helpful in building my strength and resilience after leaving. It sounds a but corny but really works. Try making a list of your good attributes and recite them in your head as a mantra. If you can say them out loud all the better but it might be hard getting space with him around all the time.

Here’s afew to get you started;
I am kind. I am intelligent. I am caring. I am loyal. I am hard-working. I am funny. I deserve kindness and respect. I am worthy of love and support.

Recite it over and over in your head. It’s all true you know? All those things are obvious from your posts here on the forum. I have no doubt you have lots more things to add; maybe you like your hair or have a love for animals, your creativity, your style….the list goes on. Positive things that you like about yourself. Remember you are not what he says you are xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you Hawthorn 💗 you’re always so very kind.
I wI’ll definitely start doing that. I’ll write them down and maybe say them to myself when I’m driving x

[KIP.]

For me the realisation that it was over came when I realised that absolutely nothing I could do for him would ever be enough. I gave it my everything until I was so exhausted I just knew it was time to end things or head for a complete breakdown. It boiled down to me or him. I chose me and you will too when the time is right. Remember his discarding of you is designed to destabilise you and he knows it invokes a desperate response. Try to remove the emotions and use your head whenever you can. We are emotional beings and they use that against us x

[gettingtired]

Thanks Kip, I’m so glad you chose yourself. It takes a huge amount of strength especially when we as empaths are always putting others first. I hope that after all of this, in the future sometime it will help me to start putting myself first without feeling selfish. That’s what he has told me I am for years on end.
Thank you x*x

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