Help please, i need advice urgently

[wishfulthinking]

I dont know what im doing. My exit plan has changed so many times that im thinking that if i do go through with it i am going to be in more trouble and depressed than i am now.

Please could someone anyone tell me what happened in the initial days that you had left. Im also double minded of how i should go because proffesional people are giving me so many conflicting ideas that im really struggling trying to keep it together. My situation is so different and complicated that im not sure that i can do this anymore.

Apparently because the lease is in his name he has every right to stay in this, evem break the door down if i try to keep him out by changing the locks. Literaly im the “landlord” of the house that weve been living in because my mum left it to me as inheritance, so i thought i had every right, as a tenant, a domesticly abused wife, and as landlord to get him kicked out and change the locks, but today i found out i have no such rights, and legally it will be a crime to change the locks and keep him out and it would take months to get him evicted. The only solution is staying here and getting an injunction against him, which i dont feel is a safe option for me as im disabled and have 5 kids, i need to be close to my family, but i also dont want him having “free reign” over the house, and i dont want to risk the chance of him living here without paying the rent.

Im going to change mine and the kids phone numbers as soon as we leave’ and i dont know whats the best way for him to find that weve left him.

Do i need a note or do i write a letter? I know its going to make no difference to him if i loved.

Please ladies tell me.how your other half reacted and what did you do’ how did he find out that you had left him’ and what did he do?

[maddog]

It’s a hellish situation. It is really positive that you are making so many different plans. Knowledge is power.

Every situation is different and has its complicating factors. I wasn’t allowed to change the locks when my ex moved out because we still own the house together.

Rights of Women or CAB may be able to help you. Keep plugging. You’ll get there. Don’t whisper a word to him.

[freedomtochoose]

hello there wishful,
not sure I’ve got much advice to offer over and above the wise suggestion from maddog.

But something about this situation and the advice you received (legal advice) doesn’t sit well right now with me.

I’m noticing you have five kids. Not sure what ages obviously, but normally I would suggest to go to refuge straight away to get some space in your head and support at least.

However, I do understand this may be an additional challenge for yourself as there may be hurdles with spaces, I’m not sure what the situation is hope LIsa can advise…

I can’t see that is right – that you can’t change the locks or exclude your ex from the house. Is there any way that you can check that advice with a third party? I remember myself that I was given inaccurate advice not appropriate to my situation at first. Women’s Aid were brilliant. keep posting here, thinking of you.

all best
ftc
x

[Twisted Sister]

Your only chance is to have an occupation/residency order, i believe, because of domestic abuse by him.

If he is the named tenant on a lease, you can evict him, but only by giving the appropriate amount of notice, which is probably a couple of months.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be very volatile and risky for you and the children, so it might not be the safest plan to issue him with notice to quit! You will be safer leaving until he’s left. Certainly you could apply for refuge accommodation and there’s no problem with having many children, just that many don’t have lots of rooms with that many beds, but they are out there.

You will need to make absolutely sure that you provide him with the correct documents, theres a very particular procedure (including energy efficiency ratings and rights of tenants documents and so on) when you issue notice, or he will be able to stay and you’ll have to take him to court and will lose if you don’t do it properly.

My main concern would be that he would damage your property if you left and you would struggle to prevent him doing that.

You are doing so well in thinking all this through. You need very specific advise, and it depends, i believe, on what the abuse situation is. If you can demonstrate recent abuses, you should be able to get an occupation order, which means he has to leave immediately.

Please speak to Rights of Women, which is free to call and free advice. He is not entitled to your inheritance.

do keep posting as much as you can, try not to worry about his reaction just make sure you are all safe and that police are aware when you act. Talk it through with the helpline. His reaction is not your worry once you are out of it and safe. We are all here for you, keep at it!

warmest wishes ts

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate all the advice.

My situation is indeed a very complicated one and im still stuck for ideas of how to go ahead. But the time is now to break free, and im still stuck on the what ifs……..

He is the named tenant on the house we are living in, which my mum owned, so she was the landlord. Once she passed away she left me this house in her Will, which is still in the process of getting finalised.

But i feel like im stuck because i dont want to leave, as twusted sister said i am quite concerned of him damaging the property knowing full well that i will have to pay for the damages because he is a tenant and the house is going to be passed down to me.
The lawyer and the police are the ones who have told me that i cant change the locks and kick him out (even though ive heard from so many people in general of woman kicking their husbands/partners out and changing the locks and for them its okay to do?!)
However the lawyer who is sorting out mums Will has advised me to change the locks whilst he is away on holiday, but when i told her what the family lawyer and the police had said she said that they were right and i cant do that.

So now my dilemna is do i just go away and get this occupation order from the court to remove him and then come back which means taking a domestic abused wife route and a route that a normal tenant would take OR take the “landlord” route and leave the house and then have him kicked out through the courts which obviously could take months, months of him probably sitting here rent free because he knows that as the potential “landlord” i will have to keep the payments running until he leaves and i can place another tenant in here?

My other issue is our business. I have a property on my name but the business inside is on his name, and i knoe for a fact because of the selfish spiteful person he is that he wont pay the mortgage on the building either, therefore me forking out more money to keep those payments up too, money i dont have because he controls all the finances, even the cards and cheque books that are on my name in the business account.

I am so stuck because i could be left in so much debt paying off 2 mortgages without any means to money, whilst he’ll be having a blast by staying in our home rent free, and pocketing as much cash as he can from the business until any court rulings are finalised.

At the beginning of my plans the lawyers were throwing options at me left right and centre, but now when im so close to leaving shes telling me about all these hurdles and problems where im going to be losing money whilst hes gaining.
Its just not fair or right. I have 5 kids to feed and clothe, how am i going to be able to survive when any money i will be getting will be spent on mortgages that hes meant to be paying?

[freedomtochoose]

Hello again,
I can only offer one thing. It is going to be a leap in the dark whatever you do, but everyone on here will say that one thing is certain, that you must prioritise your own safety and that of your kids.

It sounds like you are not going to be safe where you are – and so although I know you will be making the decision – it seems best to go down the ‘abused partner’ route. At least that way you will be safe. At it’s simplest that is how it is. And the detail comes later. Step by step.
all best
ftc
x

[Twisted Sister]

It’s a hard one and Rights of Women are best placed to advise, they specialise in your circumstances.

Get back accounts frozen while joint issues are resolved, and get an occupation order so that both you and your children have a home. With the occupation order also a non-mol order to prevent him being allowed to return. You can rent out the flat and at least have funds to pay for your mortgage and food whilst funds are frozen in the account gathering credits.

I would ask rights of women if this is a possible scenario, and how to do this.

I would not trust a lawyer who gives bad advice! Recommending something thats not legally enforceable WTAF?!

I hope you can through to them tonight and have some answers to support your plans.

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

*not ‘back accounts’….obvs…’bank’

[wishfulthinking]

Thankyou again for your replies.

Twisted sister i am abit confused about what your suggesting?

“You can rent out the flat and at least have funds to pay for your mortgage and food”

I dont have a flat? Do you mean the house that we are living in right now?

Also “I would not trust a lawyer who gives bad advice! Recommending something thats not legally enforceable WTAF?!”

Which lawyer and advice were you talking about in this one?

I have started my packing as i want to have moved out by the time he comes back from his guys holiday. Im trying to go on autopilot bcos im getting really emotional whenever i stop to think about anything.

Twisted sister, apparantly i cant get a non-mol order until he does or says something threatening to me or the kids, as he hasnt been abusive in the last 6 weeks, even though he has threatened me on several occasions to slap me and put me in my place.

I also wanted to know how long does an occupancy notice take to be given? According to the lawyer it could take upto a month? And if he does say or do something abusive then how long until a non mol is granted?

The older 3 kids are so excited about getting away from hubby. But i know the younger 2 are going to be abit upset because they are too young to understand. So i wanted to ask that if i go by the no contact rule, how long would it take for him to set up his visitation rights, and would the kids have a say in it because the older 3 are scared of their dad and his reactiin to them for moving with me (even tho he will know full well that they had to go with me legally)

[Twisted Sister]

Hi

The comment I made about the lawyer was because you said she told yu to change locks initially which you discovered was bad advice. I would no longer trust a legal persn who gave bad advice.

I had believed you were talking about him being on a lease in flat which was par of the house being bequeathed to you; that it’s a while house doesn’t change anything, just that once he’s out you would be able to let the house and use the funds to pay mortgage and so on, you could afford to rent somewhere yourself cheaper in another area, if that’s a way out for you?

Personally, I went to court and asked to get immediate non-mol. I wrote my experiences of his abuse and the effects on me there and hthen, wich I found so hard and emotional. I had a friend with me for support and we were granted an immediate hearing with a judge during their break time. It was granted there and then. I wasn’t even very coherent as I found it all so emotionally overwhelming to talk about.

It’s called an ex-parte application because it was without him present and he had to make a separate application to contest it, not as part of my application. No immediate right.

I don’t understand those rules, like he will just stop? You can clearly demonstrate a pattern of harmful behaviour which includes him frightening you, feeling intimidated by him, you and the children are suffering daily. See if you can get someone to help you write this out expressing how even a glance feels threatening. The greater his abuse the more suppressed abs and oppressed you all are.

Warmest wishes ts

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