Help the Kids when the abuser disappears?

[Suntree]

I have thought long and hard about posting. I have had some great advice over the years when it has come to help down the line regarding what has happened to others regarding the children. Advice that has helped me manage the situations better when it has come to something very similar happening to us.
Now it is time to ask again.

I do not live close to any of my family.

Back ground we have a (detail removed by Moderator) at his request.
(Detail removed by Moderator)

He stopped having the kids overnight telling them it was their fault, and then told them they could see him whenever they wanted. (That was one hell of a head mess up for them).
Over time he took longer to reply their requests to see him and the visits got less.
Each time they would go through a cycle of worry and anxiety when there was no response to excitement of seeing him to disappointment and confusion and questioning themselves when they came back from contact.
(The same cycle which I had to break free from)

The current situation is that he has now vanished and the kids can’t get hold of him and they are upset.

I have sent him an email, my only way I believe of direct contact with him and asked for his new contact details. He has not replied.

My main question is: How have others coped when finally the abuser walks out of the children’s lives and the kids miss them, even just to see them to make sure their father (loosely used) is okay and still alive?

I am finally relieved I can follow the WA advice of no contact. However:

I have been told I have to make every effort to find where he has moved to.

Why? Why do I have to this? Why do I have to actively help enable an abuser to keep abusing?

I am fearful if I do manage to get hold of his family, they will try and get him to see the children again and prolong the emotional abuse and the great steps forward they have made will be undone.

The kids, with therapy and support, are completely different kids for the happier and better at the moment, except for this grieving for him.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thank you in advance

[Ayanna]

I think it is better that he is gone. You say your kids are in therapy. That is brilliant. They will go through the grieving process and start new lives. Try to keep it like that. Make sure he can never get in touch again. It is much better for all of you. You will see how you become a stable family without the emotional rollercoaster. Try to focus on your lives, make plans what to do in the near future. If you can go for nice holidays with the kids. Do nice things with them. They will get over him and become self confident good people.

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

ITs ggod his out, even though your kids wont see it like this at moment, let kids know u love them loads and u not going no where, explain daddy has some issues he needs to deal with on his own and is choosing to make no contact, explainu tried to track him down but had no luck, explain that if they ever need to talk about there feelings with u they can, assure them that talking about daddy maybe brings tears to your eyes as daddy did lot of things to hurt u , but u dont mind kids talking to u about him. GIve them reassuarance, i gave my kids loads they thought id leave too if it got too much, let the therapist know how they feel too or what scenario is she will work with them

[Suntree]

Thanks ladies.

Therapy has finished, but can be accessed if we need it again.

Having a wobble today feeling guilty because he has abandoned his kids and I feel as though I somehow should be doing more than I have.
He is the one that has walked away without a word. He is the one that has told them he won’t ever contact them again and they have to contact him.
He is the one that has removed their only way of contacting him directly.
I have done nothing wrong.

Yet I am the one who is feeling guilty.

It just shows I still have a long way to go getting over the abuse because I still feel responsible for his actions/ inaction’s when it comes to me and the kids.

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