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Please can someone help with making a decision. I when my daughter was killed in (detail removed by Moderator) my husband ( not my daughter’s father) he started being nasty, then he strangled me, ever since then he’s been threatening to hit me gaslighting snd control. In such a way that I have only started to recognise what he was doing was not right. I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago.. he called and said I should stay at the house and he will go… I came back and he was waiting for me.. he took all my clothes in straight away, and made me tea. Then proceeded to ask my how long have I been planning this.. and blaming me for other things .. nothing to do with what I had told him.. I am eventually I either panicked on my own or really did miss him.. I asked him back. My family won’t talk to me now.
I’m planning to go again tomorrow.. I’ve got 2 dogs of which I’ve text and left messages for the rspca to see if they can foster them.. heard nothing… he’s been so nice lately, went to docs to.ask about anger management.. to complicate things (detail removed by Moderator) months ago I met a man… he seems lovely but obviously my guard is up because of what my husband has done to my head.. I feel guilty for goung because he’s so nice at the moment.. I think I could be really happy with this other man.. which I had forgot I could be.. . Am I doing right in going??Xx
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Hey Hun
You are 100% right in leaving , his played this trick on u b4, do not fall for it, you wouldnt be leaving if u knew things were not right, this is there cycle mr nice ,, mr bad , sadly mr bad is around more often , stay quiet and leave as planned and block him so u not tempted to fall for his tears and go back to him, post in here for support, call the helpline but do not communciate with him
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Thank you both for uour replies, I used to be such a confident person but one day I can make a decision next day I can’t.. I keep having to ask confirmation from people that I am doing the right thing.. my head feels like mush… deep down I know I should leave… I’d already decided to leave before I met this other man.. made me realise though that I can and deserve to be happy..
Thank you.. I’ll be off tomorrow xx
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Good luck with your plan to leave tomorrow. We are here for support for you, keep posting. Also you can ring Women’s Aid for support. I always felt recharged and much stronger after a phonecall to Women’s Aid. Ring them daily and post to us daily as you need.
That’s a good idea about contacting the RSPCA in regards to your dogs. Hopefully you can get through to another branch of them. That would put your mind at rest.
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It sounds like you have come out of the fog and can see him clearly for what he is, good luck with leaving and don’t feel bad that he tricked you, into returning, it is very common as these men are master manipulators. I believe the RSPCA have an out of hours helpline you can ring, you could ask them to rescue the dogs urgently to guarantee their safety so they are not left at risk with the abuser, or ask a friend to look after them temporarily while rehoming is arranged. I believe there are other animal charities who could help too if you can’t get through to the RSPCA. Good luck and let us know how you go.
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P.S For now I would avoid getting involved with any other men, as we tend to attract other abusers when we are wounded from abuse. They can sense the vulnerability. He may be a good man and not an abuser but it’s best to stay friends and get to know him over a period of time so that you can see his true colours. He may be wonderful, but if he isn’t, then you are not going from one abusive relationship to another. A period of time alone helps us to heal, recover and learn from the trauma.
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Hi all thank you for your advice, he’s just gone to work now, I’m sure he knows.. he just proceeded to tell me he was just working local.. wonder if that’s a sort of warning to say he’s close by, or am I just reading something different into it? I just feel as if I want to vanish from everywhere, just drive and don’t stop.. I’ve had so much sadness and I feel so alone and confused.. I feel I’m putting all this stress by taking the dogs (detail removed by moderator).. I’m so fed up of life … I am very wary of this new man, and am going to be very careful.. thank you all xx
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You are doing so well, Woollymammal. Don’t let this man back. You know that really. He is poison, poison, poison. It really is worth leaving serious relationships alone until you are clear of the one you are escaping. We often tend to move onto the same relationship with someone else, so ideally you must find ways of changing that. Well done finding RSPCA fostering service. Dogs’ Trust have one too. Not in my area though. In fact there is b****r all in my area. I live in a dead zone.
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Thank you madddog.. I don’t think I really trust anyone at the moment.. in getting a few things together and hiding them.. I’ve got a feeling he’ll pop back soon because he’s suspicious .. I’m in panic mode at the moment.. trouble is I can’t cut off all ties (detail removed by moderator).. I’m hoping he’ll stay and pay the rent…
I hope my support worker is back next week because I need her help with things.. sorry for going on.. just feel my head is going to explode with everything in it.. just want to say thank you to you all for being there xx -
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Well done for getting out. Please keep those texts. You will need them for evidence. Can you ring 101 and talk to a domestic abuse police officers. These men are most dangerous when we leave. Dont go near him. Ring the helpline on here or Rights for Women who offer free legal advice. Block his number or buy a cheap phone meantime. Thats good evidence you have.
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I know I shouldn’t feel like this.. I should feel relief.. but I.actually miss him.. I keep trying.. . I feel like I want him back.. why do I feel like that? Xx
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Hi Woollymammal,
Just want to send you my support, as mentioned you have done the right thing by leaving. It is natural to feel like you miss him, remember what the reality of being with him was.
You have mentioned you have a support worker, hopefully they can provide you with more support through your journey.
You are incredibly brave for taking this step, take care and keep posting
Best Wishes
Lisa
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Abuse is addictive. Or at least the times when they act kind and loving are. And we all trick ourselves into believing that most of the time is like that. If you asked me a year ago how often things were good and how often bad I would have said 80% of the time. In reality it was more like 20% with 80% bad by that point. Remember the importance of no contact at the moment. You will be very vulnerable to his cohertion at the moment. Try and reach out to anyone in your support network for help. Ring woman’s aid or the Samaritans if you need to, keep posting here. You can get through this. The other two things I would suggest are first to pamper yourself a bit – even in a small way, have a bath, do your hair nicely, go for a coffee, do some yoga, whatever helps you unwind. The second, and on reflection you might want to do this before you relax is to write a list of the abusive incidents you remember. You might have one already. Keep adding to it when you remember incidents (I had blacked out all but one incident when I left my partner who gaslighted me into not believing my own memory – but when I started trusting what I remembered I ended up with a list as long as my arm). Come back to this list any time you feel like maybe he wasn’t too bad. I hope this helps.
Tiffany -
Well done for getting out! Its hard to stay away, I still get moments when I miss my ex, but I can soon think of lots of reasons not too!! I started a list, jotted down each time I remembered something, its a horrible thing to look back over on and it upsets me that I stayed so long and allowed so much to happen. Im quite positive that I will never have another relationship again, I know I will never trust anyone and I think its then that I miss him, doesn’t last though! good luck, keep strong xx
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You miss him because you are used to him and all your boundaries are removed by his behaviour.
I have had two abusive relationships. Second one I really loved him and I hated the fact I had been chosen and groomed because I was vulnerable… and that was so hard.But I did it and he also stalked me so the Police stepped up.
It is always hard to leave someone let alone someone who exercises control over you.
It is all his fault, believe that.
Please go No Contact. He is violent xx -
Hi All.. thank you for all your support… I feel so bad I went back again.. it was me that begged to go back and it shames me think I did this. I somehow believe because I care so much that my anxiety lifted when I returned, some because I actually love this man and the other by going back I eased his pain which in turn eased mine… sounds daft I know.. He is being super nice but I know it won’t last.. I’ve decided this is an opportunity although not the best for me to have the help I need to try and get my head sorted out.. I jave a support worker now, I see a counsellor and I am starting a 12 wk course to help get my self confidence back.. he doesn’t know this, I am scared in case he finds.out… Next time I believe I will be stronger more prepared to stay away… I will then go somewhere he can’t find me and block his number… The trouble is with me I analyse things to much.. Already I feel I have a proper plan instead of just running and not being able to stay away.. thank you all xx
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Hey there. I went back too. Lots of women do so don’t be hard on yourself. Just know that the honeymoon love bombing phase won’t last. And my ex punished me worse than ever. I just didn’t see it coming. Please be very careful. Three women a week are killed by their partners or ex partners in this country. He has shown you his true colours and what he is capable of. Believe him. Keep those texts or send them to your support worker. I have a feeling you will need them one day. Meantime stay safe x
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Before I knew I was being abused we had a separation but Mr Nice appeared and reeled me back in. The next time I tried to leave it ended up with his arrest and conviction. Bail and a restraining order. It really was that hard to stay away, without help from Women’s Aid the police and the court, I’m sure I’d still be there. The abuse had really messed up my thinking. Trauma bonding was what I had. It really is great to be free from their grasp. It takes a huge effort like breaking a drug addiction. Just don’t let him know you’re planning to leave again. They are really dangerous. Keep posting for support. You will get there in the end. Some women return multiple times until they finally get the strength x we also very much minimise the danger. As human beings we crave what is normal to us. Even if it’s a violent dysfunctional relationship. That’s why it feels like your anxiety lifted. In truth it’s just a matter of time before it returns. The cycle of abuse. It took a long time for me to break that feeling of wanting to return but if you can understand that by waiting and giving it time and no contact, this feeling will end. It really is like going cold turkey with drugs. Keep learning all you can about the psychology of abuse. It all makes sense x
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I went back many times, different reasons, to start with he went to counselling, said he would change and did for a little while, but it never lasts, I sort of missed my life, it was what I knew and understood, didn’t seem to cope without him, which was what he wanted. When I finally left I went no contact after his last assault, got a restraining order, I think its the best way, even know I struggle to make decisions and think for myself. These men DO NOT change, I have since found out my ex abused three other woman before me and spent time in jail that I was unaware of, The cycle has to be broken, then you can start to rebuild xx
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Thank you kip.. I’m sorry you and all of us jave to go through this from someone we thought loved us… I am planning my next move even though I’m nack.. he’s so nice it makes me feel guilty.. he’s even talking to me in the evenings now which he didn’t for a long time… I am getting support now and starting a course soon.. hopefully get my self confidence back and the strength and knowledge I need..
Love to you all xx
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Hey Woolly. It’s the cycle of abuse isn’t it. He needs you close by in order to abuse you. There’s no fun in it unless he’s in control.
It takes an average of seven attempts to leave. Hopefully you’re getting the knowledge and support you need so that next time you leave it will be for good.
Stay safe.
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