Help with this

[Eve1]

Please just help me with this even just briefly!

Seen my Dad again today. It’s agony for me, I can’t even describe it. This sounds mad, but his face makes me feel depressed. Not only depressed but also afraid. It’s very, very bad for me I just need to put this out somewhere I feel safe.

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs Eve

Still early days with the loss of your mum. I know when I lost my Dad I felt negative round my mum and the way she was and the way she wanted me to act.

FS xx

[Anonymous]

Not sure of your back story as I haven’t been here in a while. Just want you to know that you are not alone and that we are all here for you x*x

[older lady]

Do you have to see him?

[Healthyarchive]

Can you put a plan in place so that you don’t have to see him? I’m not sure of your circumstances sorry. X

[Eve1]

I’ve got things to do this week so I’ve told him I can’t go until at least the end of the week and I’m going to start to ring every other day. This should start to help me a bit. I can start try take care of myself a bit more then. Then we’ll see. If like to be able to handle seeing him regularly ish, I think, but I’ll take it a bit at a time.

xxxx

[Serenity]

Hi Eve,

You are a caring person and obviously feel compassion for the fact he has lost your mother, but please be careful that you don’t slip into a role that is unhealthy.

You have told us how he was unkind to your mother and you don’t want to be her replacement in that way.

Start as you mean to go on. Make your boundaries very clear. Don’t get into the routine of calling every day. Signpost him to local support of he needs it.

You risk his criticism and disapproval, but you are entitled to your boundaries.

“Abusers know no limits. We have to put the boundaries in place.”

[Eve1]

Hi Serenity,

Yes, it did occur to me that in some ways he will just replace mum with me, so I will be wary thank you.

I’m looking at things he could do to at least give him ideas. And I will not ring every day, but that’s going to be a gradual thing now as I’ve been doing it. It’s a difficult thing to when someone is upset, but I will do it. I think I was surprised I felt sympathy for him.

Thank you, what you’ve written is so useful.

xx

[godschild]

EVE, I would gradually lenghten the times you call and see him, bit by bit, yuo cant be pulled in by him, you are grieving as well, when my dad passed away, I poured so much into suporting my Mom,I had little time to greive myself,take care and think of yourself xx

[Eve1]

Thank you, godschild. I know what you mean. In some ways I don’t feel I have had s lot of chance to think about Mum as his effect on me has been overwhelming.

Eve
xxxx

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi Eve, I haven’t been able to login lately so couldn’t reply before now. I know you feel sympathy for your dad because that’s who you are, but please remember that he is an adult and has to face the consequences of the way he has chosen to treat his wife and family. I am concerned that despite him making you feel depressed and afraid, you feel you’d like to be able to handle seeing him regularly. Why is this? There is no obligation to see him or support him. You sound as if you are carrying a lot of responsibility which does not belong to you. I know how hard that is to let go of. I hope you are able to get some support and take care of yourself. Hugs x*x

[Eve1]

Hi Peaceful Pig and thank you. I think some of my sympathy is because of his age, however I’m not young myself. I definitely just suddenly feel this responsibility, like my mum would have it’s true, and the fact that he’s family seems massive. Some of it comes from helpful things he’s done for me over the years, just normal things really and the fact they’ve helped me financially over recent years.

Today I feel really sick, I had a bad evening with my daughter yesterday and today I just feel physically awful. I’m not ringing him at the usual time today. I’ll ring much later and mention I might not be able to ring tomorrow. That’s the only way I can do it the moment, but it’s a start.

I was supposed to have a counselling session today but I’ve cancelled it as I don’t feel up to it. It’s via the nhs and I think I’ve only got one session left. Last week was the first time or felt helpful. I went on the waiting list for months so it wasn’t for bereavement but kind of turned into that, which is ok. But having had one private counsellor for months, this nhs one is definitely not as good for me. I can’t really afford private again at the moment, but I will get in touch with Cruse, they’re worth a try. Today i just feel like sleeping.

Thank you so much for understanding. It helps me to keep moving in the right direction, towards helping myself and therefore my daughter.

Hugs
Eve
x

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