Helpless….

[inlovebutscared]

Hi all…I’ve been with my bf for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) and at first everything was fine but then he started becoming controlling around my phone, social media, friendship groups etc. Now I can’t go anywhere without being accused of cheating, I am constantly called names and he has started to be physical ie, biting, bruising, even being threatened with a knife. I love him and I know he has issues that he is not dealing with so I want to help but it is killing me, I’m not the person I once was and I don;’t know what to do.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Inlovebutscared, this is your time to end it. This is the time to do it. Just end the relationship. I know this probably sounds harsh & very black and white, but it has to be so. My ex showed red flags of warning within the first few weeks, I should have listened to them and ended it. Instead I stayed with him for a lot longer, I suffered dearly as a result. It is not just bruises that you will suffer from. It is a loss of confidence, battered self esteem, self doubt, loss of friends, he will ruin your life and it takes some time to recover from. This early is the best time to end it as the damage already done to you is within your grasp to repair. X*X (please read No Contact by HG Tudor, free to read on Amazon)

[inlovebutscared]

Hi
Thank you for replying – I know what you are saying and I know you are right but I just can’t do it. For one, I love him so much, for two I daren’t. I have already lost my friends and a lot of my confidence and self esteem – but when he is lovely things are amazing 🙁 he has issues from his past that he won’t deal with and I want to help him but I don’t know how to get him to open up.

[Healthyarchive]

The longer that you stay in this relationship the harder it gets, as they are working on your mind, manipulating you so that you do not want to leave. This is what has happened to you allready. I would have found it really difficult to leave my ex within the first 6 months as during that time he was heavily ‘Love Bombing/Grooming’ me. I had red flags but could not end it.

All the other women who respond to you on here will tell you the same, i’m sure professionals will as well. I think it would do you good to sign up for the Freedom Programme, you can do this via Womens Aid. X*X

[SaharaD]

Hi and Welcome Inlovebutscared

I’m the cynical direct one on the forum. This really isn’t love. Infatuation maybe. Passion probably. but love? no. I don’t want to sound patronising but some of us older gals know that heady rush when you are younger. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I think that is something the disney corporation and movie industry invented to get us to buy their products.

You can’t help him unfortunately. I reiterate the same advice as Healthy Archive. Finish it with him and find some new friends that you deserve!

You sound like a caring gal who is too good for him!

Sidenote: I have issues and I don’t take them out on anyone. I have emotionally unstable personality disorder and suffered childhood trauma. I had to help myself and I am still helping myself. No one could help me.

Take care and start reading books and websites about abuse and call the helpline if need be.

[Healthyarchive]

Only today I thought what I would do next time, if i were early in a relationship and i got red flags and were confused what to do. With my last BF there is no way I would have ended it as I (thought) and were led to believe that I was besotted. I told myself today that I would ignore my passion, out of this world sex, being told I am his soulmate, I would bite the bullet and end it. It will end anyway, eventually. All you will be doing is saving yourself months or years of real damage. This honeymoon period is false and contrived anyway, its probably highly sexually charged, you feel amazing like you have met the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. This is what is called the Love Bombing or Grooming phase created by him. It will help you to read 30 Covert Maniplation Tactics in Personal Relationships, its free to read on Amazon. X*X

[Peaceful Pig]

I have to say I agree. He won’t deal with his issues or open up. He doesn’t need or want to. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and it is not your responsibility to make another adult happy especially not at the expense of yourself. I spent over two decades trying to get him to open up and make him feel better. Eventually I realised that he liked being the way he was, it works well for him. I am still far from recovered over (detail removed by Moderator) years from leaving. I hope you find the strength to save yourself before things get worse xx

[SaharaD]

Hi ILBS

Saw this and thought of you.

#lovedontfeelbad

http://www.lovedontfeelbad.co.uk

I love youtube!

[Healthyarchive]

Today it struck me about another way of explaining things, that you may find helpful. I remembered when my ex was in the thick of his nastiness to me, this consisted of: lying to my face; stealing my money; withholding information; blaming; never apologizing; rejecting me; gas lighting; making me beg; I have many more examples:

All of these things happened from about month 6 (ish) & after he had gotten under my skin, hooked me & got me emotionally invested. When we first met I could more or less take him or leave him.

If he had done any of these things within weeks after us meeting BEFORE I was emotionally hooked I would have shown him the door. I would not even have looked twice at him had he acted so appallingly.

When we are in the thick of the horrible abuse, we are REACTING to cope and manage and just get by. When I was with my ex (after the golden period), most of the time I felt highly suspicious, mistrustful, negative and in a bad mood. I am not naturally like this. I was reacting to the situation that presented to me and the lack of power and control that I felt. I was not allowed to express any negative and had to be happy, smiley & sexy. You do not know this at the time because it is all so foggy and confusing, you are being blamed & think you are to blame for everything, so you turn yourself inside out to make it better.

I’ve been out some months now and I’m not highly suspicious or negative like I was back then, nor would I put up with someone being so awful to me.

[Malaya]

Get onto women’s aid so you have support, if you aren’t ready to leave then at least get yourself some support and take pictures of injuries and keep threatening texts or emails.

Whatever help he needs needs to come from him, not you. He has to make the changes and nothing anyone else says or does will make a difference. You think you can heal him with love, you can’t.

I know you probably hate hearing this but we’ve all been through hell and back, it never gets better, it never stops. Get out while you can

[Misti]

Hi
I’m new to the group and this is the first time I have posted anything

I have just read your message and can relate to you so much.

However (detail removed by moderator) I will have been married to my husband for (detail removed by moderator) and everything started at the beginning of the relationship.

I thought he really loved me and I gave him everything of me that I had.
The aggression, the lying all started in the first 6 months but he had childhood issues , as did we both, but I thought I could help him.

It has crippled every part of me and I’m still in the relationship but I think his feelings towards me are need like a mother although I still passionately love him.

Listen to these ladies that are supporting you and do this for you as you deserve more x*x

I was punched in the head by him a few months ago and ended up breaking down at work . He has a domestic abuse support worker and says he wants to change but the truth is he says what he thinks people want to hear. Which is very cruel

I’m only just coming to terms with the realisation of the abusive relationship I am in and it hurts so much. I feel so helpless and there’s a part of me that wants him to change so much and love me like I want to be loved. I think I’m in love with a dream not this man

I have been stepping back and observing his behaviour and coming to terms with how selfish he is – he only cares about himself

Hope this helps a little bit – hugs x*x

[Lisa]

Hi Misti,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for your brave and honest post. I am sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very abusive and stressful for you. You mention that your husband has a domestic abuse worker but are your gettting some support? Please do phone the helpline and speak to them about your situation. They will not judge you or tell you what to do but they will help you to see that you have options and help you to work out what is the best route for you. The helpline can also put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid group who can provide you with lots of help and support.

It sounds very much like your husband does not want to change or accept responsibility for his behaviour so please start looking after yourself and think about what you want. We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

Listen to the ladies., it doesnt matter how much we love them and want to help them, they have to help themselves first, my ex used to threaten me with knife and i thought it was bluff, in the ned they really do try and kill us,. Be greatful u not married to him, save yourself a lot of heart break and pain and get out , these men really do destroy us in everyway possible, i know its hard to leave thats why u need support, call the womensaid line and get guidance who to approach for support

[Author]

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