Help/Tips Needed, keep thinking about him

[AssisiB]

Hi,

I’m just needing some inspiration and tips for when I start thinking of him fondly, missing him and wondering what he is up to, whom he is with and if he is treating them nicely.

How do we all STOP, REFOCUS AND NORE ON?

I’m wrecking my own head wondering

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Remind yourself why u left first and how he made u feel then make a list of all things u miss about him and a list of what u don’t miss then compare list . Hopefully the second list will be bigger as is most of time . Remind yourself u deserve to be treated with respect , what did he do as a partner for u . This test made me cry as my ex did nothing for me apart from
Hurt me , yet I was bonded to this man like a drug . Keep away and detox yourself from
Him

[AssisiB]

Hey confused123,

You’re right. It is being bonded like a drug.

I think the list is a good idea. Pro and cons. I think I will do it.

I get so angry and The things he says about me because he has defined me as a person I am not. When he says his s**t it boils my blood and the first thing that you want to do I defend yourself as a person.

Hate that he’s out there saying I’m this and that. Saying I did this and that. When it’s him who has done so much to me and doesn’t even see it or admit it. X

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

It annoys us like anything but not giving them satisfaction of a reaction is even better . Train your mind that u and him know the truth

[AssisiB]

Good tip. I came to my mums house, I didn’t feel safe at home. I couldn’t bare being on edge and wondering if he’s going to turn up.

All we do is love these men and they just need more because t isn’t enough

[SunshineRainflower]

I agree with the list! I wrote a huge 12 page document of all of the abuse, each incident I could remember including any details, and I read it whenever I am feeling doubtful. I haven’t felt doubtful for a while now, and the list definitely helps me get back to reality, whenver I read it it sets me straight. I also journal a lot which also helps get all the feelings and thoughts out however jumbled up and confused they are.

Eventually your brain adjusts to the reality of who they are and you don’t miss them at all, you see all the nice times as manipulation and feel repulsed at all of the horrible things they did. The trauma bonds decrease and you start to focus more on yourself. I also read a few books on domestic abuse which really helped me to gain clarity. Recently I’ve been much more focused on myself although he is still in my thoughts, but just in a ‘I can’t believe he was so awful, what a scary weird person he is, it’s sad that I thought he was this good guy and he was duping me the whole time’ kind of way. I think eventually those thoughts will go too the longer we heal.

[Confused123]

keep a diary too hun, of how u feel , how he behaves and has left u upset, u can use it as a progress diary and remind yourself of how he makes u feel, spend a few days at your mum , make yourself stronger

[Emmlogan]

SunshineRainflower, I love that idea. I am totally going to do it. I have found it really cathartic telling people everything he used to do nut I think writing it down would work even better. Thank you

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