Here again

[tiredofitall]

Some of you know that I’m out of my abusive relationship. I’m in my own home with my children and I have never been happier. I feel so alive and creating a safe space for us all.
I feel like I shouldn’t be on here with this considering all that you guys are dealing with but I also know only you will get it!
My ex lives a long way away and lives with his mum while he sorts himself out. He’s fallen out with all of his family. Wherever he goes, this is what happens. He is a contradiction becuase hes deeply insecure which means he criticses everyone for everything to make himself feel better about himself but he cant see it. Hes gone through his angry stage with me and now (maybe because he has alienated everyone else) calls me randomly to moan about them. I put the phone down with him tonight because I’d gotten looped into pointing out his behaviour affecting their relationship then he turned on me for defending them. And I’m thinking W*F I don’t even need to be doing this. This is one of the reasons I left him!!! We have to talk because of our daughter but I try so hard to stick to text messages but then he just calls.
I guess I just wish he would disappear! I don’t want to be his lifeline. But I can’t work out the balance properly because I don’t want to be mean for the sake of it. Then i remember how little regard he had for my feelings but then I remember our daughter – going round in circles!! Any advice navigating this would be great x

[tryingtosleep]

Hi tiredofitall

Sounds like you have gone through a lot but you’re in a much better place now.

My ex is also staying with his mum. It’s been great having the space and I’ve told him not to come back. I’m hoping to divorce him sometime…

Whenever he calls my phone I literally freeze – I don’t know if it’s fear or stress. But I don’t answer him now.

If he wants to talk to the kids he arranges it in advance. It’s very difficult because I’m doing everything but he’s not well enough to take much in anyway. He’s an alcoholic.

Anyway just to say you don’t have to talk to him. Just stick with messages or emails. If he wants to talk to your daughter – make it a prearranged agreement. You don’t have to put up with his sh*t anymore.

Good luck xx

[Bananaboat]

I get this from my ex and have learnt to keep any chats to the kids only and even then I keep things pointed, anything else gets short answers/uninterested noises. It’s hard, but he’s not calling to ask about you, or the kids it’s all me me me & how hard/unfair his life is. When he rings I often don’t answer, not always because I’m not that cold & so he can’t throw it back at me but just enough to say I’m busy, I’m not at your beck & call anymore. Same with texts, I’ve learnt to increase the time between responses. It’s hard because my brain reverts to ‘omg it’s him I must jump’ but as you say, you have your own happy life now. He’s not calling you because he cares, he’s calling you because he can get what he needs. I often reflect on calls initially with a pain in my heart but then I think ‘hang on, he didn’t ask about x, he hasn’t done Y that he said he would, that call was actually not what I thought it was’. Slowly but surely my heart & mind are following. That’s the balance right there. x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Tiredofitall

I wonder if, having got to such a good place in your life, you have any need to actually speak? I have heard others on here say that they renamed their ex’s contact to something else like ‘don’t answer him’, or ‘this is him all about him’, or whatever you feel would be fitting?

IDK, but whats its causing in you is enough for you to have to consider doing this differently. Remember you are trying to recover, and he can send what he needs to, about the children only, by text right?

You all need your space, and his issues are no longer your responsiblity, you have come so far to release yourself from him physically, the next step is psychologically/emotionally.

Prioritise yourself and what you need.

warmest wishes

ts

[nbumblebee]

Im in no place to offer advice but I wanted to say Hi, I often think of you and the others who helped me put so much when i first came on here its always so lovely to hear your stories your pathways so dont ever feel like you have to go.
Could you use someone as a go between? So if you need to talk about your daughter you message a friend of family member and then they message him etc? That way you could keep the chat about your daughter only? I know this isnt always possible. Or set a boundry tell him you have started over and that messages are about your daughter only sounds harsh i know but now its time to put you first not him deffo not him. After all he put you through sweetie you really dont need to still be thinking of his needs.
Keep growing keep enjoying and stay safe. Hugs to you xxxx

[tiredofitall]

Thanks to you all, as always, for such wise words and reminding me of the boundaries I need to keep in place. Its so easy to slip back into the way of thinking that he controls everything – I guess because that has been my life for many many years so sometimes I need reminding that I am in control of my own time and I get to choose how much of my attention he gets. And the instinct to respond straight away is 100% there – as you all say, the years and behaviours have taught us thats what we need to do to avoid sending them off on one. I guess I’m still conditioned that he’ll paint me as the bad guy for not being supportive enough and there is a small bit of guilt that I know his life is now rubbish because of the decision I made to end things. Which I know is as a result of how he behaved and his inability to hold a job. The logical part of my brain knows that he deserves no attention from me other than what is required in our role as parents. But the emotional side of me feels a bit guilty because I am happier than I have ever been and I know that he isn’t. Its completely irrational considering all the reasons!!

@Bananaboat – you are so right too. His calls/texts are never about me, rarely about the children or if they are, we very quickly move on to him. How he is, how bad things are for him etc. Definitely worth being reminding of that.
Thank you all x

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