12th June 2016 at 12:34 am #18984
He has threatened to leave as he cant cope with me, can’t stand me, can’t look at me. ‘You’ve done this all because of the way you are’ ‘I’m done someone else can deal with it’ Stop [email protected]@@ing crying, I was really upset of course and tried to talk to him but ‘I’m done [email protected]@@king talking to you, don’t speak I don’t want to hear your [email protected]@@king voice!’ That was after he called me a b***h again when I questioned his drinking, I’m a c**p mother too, as well as a useless wife apparently. He did agree that he had influenced the situation but was reluctant to elaborate just criticised me for using the wrong word! He sent me a text at my
Friends the other day and she was horrified – it was accusing me of having an affair with someone on Facebook. She recognised I am apologetic for my own existence too – she gets it so it’s good to talk but I am terrified about being on my own.
12th June 2016 at 12:37 am #18985
12th June 2016 at 7:42 am #18989Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs
It’s so hard to think straight when you have been bombarded with abuse. Your confidence has been undermined so decision making becomes almost impossible.
But you have recognised it’s not right and sounds like you have supportive friends.
I couldn’t do anything right, I couldn’t clean or cook properly. I was too bouncy what ever I sad was wrong. When I cried I was to emotional.
It’s all about control.
The more you talk to others that have been abused the clearer it becomes. I would also speak to woman’s aid they can give you great advice on your opinions.
Good luck and keep posting
12th June 2016 at 10:00 am #18993
Does that sound like abuse to you though? He does drink a dreadful lot – two bottles of wine a night at least and blames me for his drinking as well as stress it must be my fault xx
12th June 2016 at 11:36 am #18995KIP.Participant
Hi there, you must contact your local women’s aid. He chooses to abuse you. Lots of people drink (which he chooses to do) and they don’t abuse their partners. Don’t allow yourself to find excuses for his behaviour. It is his decision to abuse you. He knows he is doing it and he knows the effect it has on you. It’s really hard to accept that someone we love and we think loves us in return can deliberately hurt us but they do. When we are with an abuser, all our headspace is taken up just trying to survive. We can’t think rationally. Phone the helpline or read ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Abuse only gets worse. Our abusers place the guilt with us so that they don’t have to accept any. It’s confusing, exhausting, debilitating and hard to comprehend on our own. Women’s aid are your escape. Keep posting❤️
12th June 2016 at 7:01 pm #19017Falling SkysParticipant
Hi my last post wouldn’t load….
The drinking is an excuse to be abusive.
Its my fault in my abusers eyes, that he drinks to much. that he has problem at work, that he’s putting on weight.
My cooking and cleaning was put to his standard. (though unless I clean the toilets they are covered in pubic hair and poop marks).
Your not forcing the drink down his throat, he needs to take responsibility for his actions instead of blaming you. Sadly these abusers all think everything is some one else’s fault.
13th June 2016 at 9:39 am #19060SerenityParticipant
The most difficult part of abuse is the fact that they deny wrongdoing.
They convince themselves that they had good reason to be like that, that others are bad, etc..
They aren’t like you or me. A fully formed conscience doesn’t stop them from executing abuse. They don’t feel remorse- they just project their faults.
So you will never reason with an abuser, since they deny responsibility.
The sad thing is that we believe their accusations. Our confidence is whittled away by us believing that their rubbish accusations have a nugget of truth in them. Then we feel bad, so we stay with them.
He’s crossed a line. His abuse had wrecked any joy or trust you had in him, like mine did. Once they behave like that, they can do it again.
13th June 2016 at 10:52 am #19062
I took my son to a (detail removed by moderator)and he was really peed off that he couldn’t go, when we got back from a great day he called me a (detail removed by modertor) to my son….asking me who I was flirting with….my son said that’s a horrid thing to say to Mum…this morning he says that it was a joke. I had a dreadful morning with said son who was tired and not wanting to go to school I had trouble getting him up, he was angry and hit me…called me a horrid name…a knee jerk reaction we sorted it out and ended up hugging each other him really apologising and having a reasonable conversation when I questioned him about why he gets so angry he says ‘because I have him as a my Dad, what sort of role model is he, he has influenced me’…..imagine that….(detail removed by moderator).I pay everything else, food, gas, electric, water, tv, phone, insurance council tax I have hardly any money left as it is I can’t afford to pay all the mortgage too I can’t live with him and know that after today it will be worse as I have stood up to him – he is in arrears for (detail removed by moderator) months with the mortgage anyway and he is bankrupt…god I never thought my life with the man I loved would end up like this x*x
13th June 2016 at 6:11 pm #19086AyannaParticipant
Hi, put your phone on silence and keep it in your pocket. Do not allow him to abuse you. If he becomes dangerous make a silent 999 call immediately. Let the police hear everything.
Get rid of him and have no regrets.
You deserve better, so much better!
13th June 2016 at 9:10 pm #19102
Thanks Everyone….today I told him to buck his ideas up or our marriage was over….its 9.15 and he isn’t home – not working out somewhere so I guess he has answered my question hasn’t he!
14th June 2016 at 10:41 am #19130
he come home at (detail removed by Moderator)pm……had been drinking….said he wanted to commit suicide, was going to end it because if I think he is an abuser his life isn’t worth living…he can’t live without me, I will never see him again, he loves me and the children but hates himself, why don’t you care about me, I am better off dead. I feel guilty for telling him what I did – I sent him an e-mail about emotional abuse and said that’s how I feel….this is the outcome of my standing up to him
18th June 2016 at 2:02 pm #19501myfairyqueenParticipant
The threats to commit suicide are just another way he is trying to control you and stop you from leaving him. Please just be careful about standing up to him too much as it may escalate his abuse. Please contact WA or another charity to help you – they can help you come up with a plan to leave and be safe if that’s what you decide to do.
20th June 2016 at 11:40 am #19641
But I can’t let him treat me like that it’s wrong, you are right though it did escalate the abusive behaviour. I honestly don’t know what to do, really I don’t I am so confused with it all. I am just ignoring him when he is like that – a spoilt child, who thinks the world should revolve around him – and making sure my children are ok – showering them with love and attention, they are what’s important in my life x*x
21st June 2016 at 5:10 pm #19741
Hi, sorry I haven’t followed your story to date, I’ll catch up in a mo.
I wanted to post because so much of what you’ve said is what mine did to me. Everyone suggests books and I was so dubious in the dtsr… But they truly help. The ones that have helped me are manipulated by hg Tudor. It was like it was my abuser who wrote the book. And the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans.
21st June 2016 at 5:20 pm #19742
22nd June 2016 at 12:08 pm #19827
thanks Starmoon – does it sound like abuse to you? He accused me of flirting with a neighbour and said it was because of the way I am with him, I never ‘want’ him or show him affection….I said I am tired as I work every day and virtually bring two children up on my own…I put them to bed every night and at the moment they don’t sleep until about 10pm so by the time they are sorted, the house tidied I just want to collapse on the sofa with a glass of wine and Eastenders, I am not up for loving and having to pander to another ego….certainly not up for any ‘activities’ without feeling an ounce of tenderness or kindness….apparently that’s [email protected]@cking bulls**t…can’t win really 🙂
24th June 2016 at 10:39 am #19975
Yes absolutely it is abuse. It’s projection. My ex would tell me my priorities were all wrong if I dared to ask him to have the children so I could have some ‘me’ time.
But actually it was him who had his priorities wrong. He’d be out all hours doing what ever, when ever. When I was going threw a miscarriage I asked him not to drink…(Because I wanted a sober supportive partner). He told me I was selfish, that he worked his a*s off all week and all he wanted was to relax at the weekend. So naturally I felt guilty. These men don’t allow us to feel anything. Him saying he’s done with you because you’re upset- gah!! You value how he feels so why can’t he value how you feel. You are entitled to feel and think. Don’t let him make you believe that what you think is wrong and what he thinks is rite. Please keep posting and validate your own feelings. We will help to validate them always!!
I am only just coming out of an awfully abusive relationship and when I first posted here, I genuinely believed everyone would tell me that it wasn’t abuse. But now we are apart (after he assulted me) I am finally seeing that so much of what he made me believe was normal really wasn’t. X I don’t know if your partner has been physical towards you but if he hasn’t please don’t think that it’s not abuse or that it’s not that bad. When I first came her I was heavily pregnant and my partner hadn’t particularly been physically violent either… Bar the odd shove or grab. But the more time went on- the worse things got and the more physical it became… Especially after our baby was born. Now I’m glad he’s been arrested but in all honestly- I’d have taken the physical battering over the mental abuse any day. Please read the books and please keep posting xxxxx
6th July 2016 at 8:08 am #21033
Just following your post still, I too have been questioned about my faithfulness in our marriage, I have been groped in front of my kids with him telling me “I wish there was more of that” meaning sex of course, a gesture he made totally out of the blue which really embarrassed me and made me feel so cheap, it still disgusts me to think about it.
I also had an episode where he went mad about my ex boyfriend, we are talking decades later after I left him!!!!
I get told I don’t love him enough, I only love the money.
I get told I don’t care for him, he calls me an “uncaring person” for not showering him with attention lately, I am sort but I was strangled by him…and plenty more to tell.
Projections, nothing else.
My husband’s drinking? Work is his reason, strangling me was due to it too! Apparently…
I work my socks off in our large house, I certainly do a man’s job in the garden, but he isn’t man enough to get help for me…
I also get told I don’t have a passion for cooking, and my meals are never going to come up to Masterchef standards because of my lack of passion…more like I don’t have time, and I feed a large family…but guess what, I grow all our veggies, so guess who has passion???
I get evaluated by the cleanliness of the fridge when he comes back from a week abroad…and he starts tidying it while still wearing his suit, late at night coming back from the airport…bizarre.
I never get asked if I am ok…
I have to make all the conversations, if I don’t speak first, I get told what’s the matter with me, not enquiring if something is wrong, more like I am blamed, so what’s the matter with me is asked as a criticism. I am not expected to give an answer, he simply wants a reaction to wind me up again. I sometimes test him by saying nothing first when we go to a pub meal, it is hilariously ridiculous. Projection of his own I security I think.
Your post makes me think of so many things I experience like you.
4th July 2016 at 2:42 pm #20882
Oh goodness Starmoon that’s dreadful, no nothing physical apart from hitting me with a pillow a few months ago and a couple of shoves. It’s the shouting I hate and it’s the constant pressure…..he doesn’t get that the children come first….I put them to bed and he behaves like a petulant child who isn’t getting what he wants, he demands my attention constantly and I have to have sex other wise he will sulk and make my life worse. I don’t find him attractive when he behaves like that at all so it makes it difficult. OUt this weekend my battery died on my phone so I was out of contact (detail removed by moderator) during which time he text me 10 times and also my friend I was out with (asking her why I wasn’t picking up my phone and that he was really annoyed with me) the messages he sent me were asking who I was with, who I was talking to and that if I wasn’t back(detail removed by moderator) he would bolt the door and I could b****y stay out for being so out of order…..I am a grown women FFS and my friend had told him my phone had died…..I just don’t get it such odd behaviour. He is also resentful that I have sorted my finances out will be debt free and able to live again, he is up sh*t creek and expects me to help him, when he never ever has me and in fact has pi***d his money up the wall drinking two bottles of wine every night of the week…..today I am angry can you tell! 🙂
6th July 2016 at 8:20 am #21034
I too get texts, loads of them, and he transforms what I say to make me look like the villain, then denies it to my face.
I get texts from him interfering in my life with the kids, while I am driving to pick them up and he sends them some too to confuse them even more about where and when I pick them up from…so we end up all wound up and lost!
I got texts galore whenever I had to drive my mum to and from her home (cant say exactly) and my trips would be ruined by his stress while he was left at home with the kids, texting utter rubbish.
I get pictures torn, frames removed or turned upside down, ornaments moved, removed, damaged.
I get chased by texts sent to my daughter who is usually with me at the time.
It goes on.
6th July 2016 at 7:46 am #21032
I too question his drinking, I get similar reactions or projections.
I too get treated as a bad mother, I get criticised by texts for apparently picking on one child to wash up, worse, when questioned he continues by telling me he has kept in touch with that child during the week he is at work and got “proofs” I pick on him…bizarre.
I too get told I am a c**p wife, he simply tells me he hasn’t got a”good wife”, so when again I question him by asking what is a good wife, he turns his chair to face a wall and I am left to speak to his back facing me…am I mothering a child, I wonder…
I too get called “it” via the texts he sends our daughter, she tells me about it, and he chases after me using her.
The list goes on.
I know what you are going through. I thought I would reply despite reading your post late. We all seem to live such similar things, it is frightening 🙁
7th July 2016 at 2:52 pm #21168
Oh BridgetJonesisFree….that does sound really similar, (removed by moderator) was awful, he had a panic attack so couldn’t pick up from school….so I had to drop everything and run….I went to see a friend and when I got home there he was with a bottle and a half of red wine down him..p****d again.
Says I don’t care about him, all he wants his my love, yet the night before last I was pathetic and had no passion, one who doesn’t stand by my principals…he uses every profanity going and when I complain I am told they are just words get over it…oh here we go crying again you really are pathetic aren’t you. yet the day after he is threatening to end his life…..it’s just a b****y roller coaster…will see what today brings I guess!
My son was vile to me, swore at me so I took his phone off him, only for my husband to give it back to him half an hour later over riding the punishment I had given…..yet I have no control over the children and they don’t show me any respect…no b****y wonder!
I wonder too if I am mothering a child, he is just like one, petulant rude and throws his toys out of the pram on a daily basis!! GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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