1st April 2016 at 2:41 pm #12658
Some months back my ex rang up my sons school and requested that any letters that get sent to me – HE WANTS them too – I am the resident parent, and so I cope with, and deal with, anything that arrises on my own.
I did not always inform him of evey little detail re our sons education – I told him things on a need to know basis – but now someone in his family had egged him on to suddenly take a more ‘active’ role in our sons education – and so he too gets letters from the school. Which then gives him the opportunity to contact ME every time he gets a letter – I then get told to go to his house for “we need a meeting”.
And so a letter arrived the other day about my son having to do resits (this was something I would have dealt with on my own, before he demanded to get any letters too) and so now he has called ANOTHER ‘meeting’ to discuss things.
(detail removed by moderator)
But the thing is I don’t want to be alone with him – and I DO find it uncomfortable – I really don’t want to be there full stop – but he still has a hold over me and I’m still after all these years unable to stand up for myself and speak up against him.
He knows I can’t (and never do) say no to him – full well he knows he still calls the shots – he’s still the one in control.
It’s always HIM who contacts ME – and if I have to get a message to him about arrangements for our son – then I just leave a message on his phone.
But he keeps on arranging these ‘meetings’ – and to be quite honest they are NOT necessary – anything he has to discuss could be said over the phone – he doesn’t need me to go to his house – he doesn’t need to see me face to face – but he can’t let me go – he seems to need to see me still, and finds these excuses to get me to go there.
Please don’t say to me just don’t go – be firm – ring him up and tell him to discuss it over the phone – I just CANT speak my mind and go against his wishes/demands.
Now that he too has access to any school letters, its the open invitation that he needs to keep in contact with me and keep me in his life and keee me going there – he’s using these letters as a means of keeping contact with me and keeping control over me.
I just want to be left alone with minimal contact – but this is not enough for him.
I just don’t want to have to see him or speak to him…..why can’t he just talk to our son about it all – its nothing serious that NEEDS both our attention – I can talk to our son at my end and he can do it when he’s at his dad’s – there is no need to meet up.
He just wants my time and attention.
1st April 2016 at 3:37 pm #12659Confused123Participant
I know how hard it is to break away from these men ,but truth you have almost said yourself u need to break the contact totally , u say u find it hard to say no to him how about just communciating by txt then . I would say to him any concerns you have about letters received from school you can discuss with yur son direct or contact school, like u said they dont really want the involvement its just about having control of our lifes and been in the obessed contact they are with us. This is where you are going to have to break the control and gain control yourself, tell him u see no point in meet and any concerns can be discussed by email or text , yes u are scared to be with him alone, i cnat beleive he ased that but again he gets a thrill of controlling your emotions. Again play this game to your advantage, act like you are going to meet up but then keep cancelling last minute, in the end just resort to discussing by email or by text, it is hard at begining but u do get here eventully, i am speakig from experience, i really struggle to say no to my ex and gel if it had to be about kids i had to negoiate, slowly i cut himmout totally, they just mess with your head .They have to receive message we dont want to spend no time with them , i really feel u have to do this to get him out of your life. I know its hard . i suppose im lucky me ex only calls me every three months to throw abuse or to say we suddenly need to discuss things, i told him (detail removed by moderator) last year we cant be friends based on what s happend, we have both proven to each another we cant talk calmly and rationally , things willbe dealt via solicitors and i totally ignore every calli receive, v mails are only listened to so i can record and report him, this toughness will get u results hun , just so i can guide u , what would happen if u refused to meet up and discuss , would he start beeing nasty, i take it he gives no finaincial support anyway , would he play mind games with your son ? Thats whatmy ex does he constantly calls my eldest and says it was out of order how we all left him, again denies why we left . So how would your ex react if u refused to answer his calls and to the meet ups ?
1st April 2016 at 7:39 pm #12674
My ex never took any interest in my boys’ education, but one way he tried to get to me was to tell the court that I didn’t share info with him about the boys’ schooling.
I told him through my solicitor to contact the schools and get them to inform him directly of things- I didn’t need to pass anything on. I didn’t need to be middle man.
Your ex doesn’t need to meet with you to discuss things. He can talk to teachers directly if he is that bothered. But he won’t, because he’s not bothered about talking to the teachers, it’s just a way to contact you! But you have a choice, and choose to not be in contact, and that is your right X
1st April 2016 at 10:26 pm #12700AyannaParticipant
Hi M.U.M., you got brilliant advice here. Why don’t you try to be a bit nasty too, so that you have some fun. You are not happy about this situation and I am sure it stresses you out. I can fully understand that you cannot speak up against him. I know this situation too well, it is horrible.
Confused 123 has a wonderful suggestion: pretend to go, communicate only via text, and then cancel last minute via text message. I am sure that will make him angry and frustrated. Get some fun out of this for yourself.
We need to turn the negative energy that these men cast on us into something positive for us and throw it back to them.
1st April 2016 at 11:28 pm #12713NemoParticipant
I agree with Serenity 100% about you telling your ex to speak to the school directly if he has any concerns about your son’s education.
I also agree with the other ladies advice that you should txt him if you (as many of us can’t) say no to him directly.
Maybe as soon as you get a letter txt him before he has the chance to contact you letting him know how you’re dealing with the matter and that if he’s got anything to add he can speak to your son directly when he sees him or contact the school if he has any questions or concerns.
Then if you can just don’t answer any of his follow up calls or respond to any of his txt replies. After a while if you remain firm in dealing with your ex in this matter then he should reach a point where he stops trying to fight it and accepts that these ‘meetings’ aren’t happening anymore.
2nd April 2016 at 2:11 am #12720
Hiya – thank you all for taking the time to reply. 🙂
The problem is we have no means of contact other than phone – he has no internet, and so we can’t email, he has a mobile, but he has never sent a text in his life, and in fact never had his mobile switched on.
So if I want to get a message to him, house phone is the only way.
I have never, ever stood up to him, I’ve never before said this is what I want – I’m just terrified of speaking up against him – I just don’t have the courage in me….
I wish I had it in me be as strong as you all are…..
I want to day those word you are telling me to say – but I’ve never said things like that before and made MY feelings known to him.
I want to say talk to the school or your son and leave me out of it – but I just know that HE sees nothing wrong in these little ‘meetings’ he keeps arranging.
Because I have never said otherwise he just presumes I’m OK with the situation – when I’m not.
There really IS NO need for these meetings – there is no urgency – nothing major nto discuss – and I know it’s just a means of getting me there.
I don’t know what would happen if I refused to meet him – I’ve never said nomto him – I can’t stand rows and shootings and I avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs – do ive never put myself in the situation of having a tow with him since I left him.
Rows and fights scare me, and I can’t cope with any ill-feeling.
I just like to keep everything calm and civil and on and even keel – then I feel safe – if I don’t know how things are going to go, it frightens me, and unnerves me.
I just don’t like him when he’s angry, he has a temper and it scares me – so that’s why I don’t like to disobey him and go against his wishes.
Battery about to go – best send this before it’s lost!!!
2nd April 2016 at 7:29 am #12721
Confrontation and dealing with his anger etc would indeed be traumatic for you, and not good for you on your road to recovery.
This is why no contact is important: so you don’t have to see or hear his control and abuse.
2nd April 2016 at 8:58 am #12728
Morning ladies – sorry I was typing fast last night to get it sent before my battery went, didn’t have time to check over for mistakes, just read it through now…….
* I want to SAY those words you are telling me
* I’ve never said no to him, I can’t stand rows and shouting, I avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs, so I’ve never put myself in the position of having a row with him since I left him.
You know I’m sitting here worrying about all this, and I know he won’t be giving it all a second thought.
How do you say no to someone you’ve never said no to before – he’s never heard me disagree with what he wants.
I lived with that man for half of my life, and I never once stood up to him and spoke up and said this is not what I want, so do you understand how hard it is for me to try and go against what he wants??
I just wish he would see this is not what I want, and stop putting me in this position. Why can’t he just leave me be, and let ME make contact if/when I need to.
This big pretence of caring about our sons education is just a wonderful means of him being able to keep in contact with me. He doesn’t really need to talk to me about any of this (there is NOTHING to be said) – but now he’s demanded to receive letters from the school too, he has discovered this is an excellent way of keeping a hold of me!!!
I just know it will be something and nothing – no NEED for me to be there at all. There is nothing to be seen to, nothing to be delt with, this letter was for our information only – nothing needs to be ‘decided’.
I know he doesn’t want me going there with our son, he wants me to go there alone, so he can spend time with me by myself.
I know you are all screaming at me saying ‘don’t do it’ – but I just feel so powerless – its me who has to live with the consequences of not doing what he wants – and I just can’t stand the thought of getting on the ‘wrong side’ of him.
He’s never seen me speak out against him, and not follow through with what he wants.
I need to feel SAFE, and I DON’T feel safe when I know I’m not doing what he wants, I feel very vulnerable, and exposed at the thought of not going along with his wishes.
I know how annoyed he gets when I don’t talk to him, and I just can’t take this bad atmosphere in the air, it terrifies me. It brings me right back to the days when I was still living with him, I still have that fear inside of me, the not knowing what he was going to say or do next really frightens me.
You are all so much braver than me, you have done, and can, speak to your exes and tell them what you want (what you are/are not going to do) – this is something I have never been able to do in my life – its not easy for me.
Every time this scenario happens I get so worked up over it, and it stresses me out so much – I just panic for days and hours before I go…..
2nd April 2016 at 6:47 pm #12787
I never stood up to my mum, sister or ex-husband.
My counsellor told me: what’s the worst that can happen? They I’ll be angry, but you can put up boundaries to protect yourself.
She said, if they care, they will sit up and take notice, and change. If they don’t, distance yourself from them.
I stood up to my mum, after 40 years. I got anger, the pity act, etc.
She’s now far more careful around me. She knows I mean it.
My ex found out I meant what I said, by virtue of me standing up to him in court. Now I am free from his tentacles of control ( most of the time!).
2nd April 2016 at 8:01 pm #12792AyannaParticipant
Hi M.U.M., I feel your pain. I know how difficult and even impossible that is.
That’s why an excuse is a good beginning. What if you play along and then you phone him and say you are unble to leave the house because you are sick, you can’t walk, ….
Do not get into any conversation, say you are too weak to talk and drop the phone.
Whilst you use this tactics learn to say NO.
You can find material on youtube.
Start to say NO to people. When you go shopping, to neighbours,…. Small steps will put you in the right direction.
You cannot expect that he ever sees what goes on within you. He is an abuser.
Also, speak to your GP about this problem. You need counselling to overcome this blockage.
You can learn to say NO.
2nd April 2016 at 8:05 pm #12793SilkyHalideParticipant
You don’t need to discuss. If he wants to be involved he can speak direct to school.
That’s what I’m doing. I don’t want to discuss with him but need to be involved, obviously limited when I’m not seeing anything of them.
He’s just trying to get you to speak to him/ meet with him
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