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Oh yes…And…He has started with the hands again! Creeping up behind me and mauling my breasts under the pretense of a hug from behind. He disgusts me! Who the hell does he think he is! A sex offender?
Then when he’s rejected, reminded that’s abuse!
He’s guilty later of… Blasting me with his insults. Brought about from my trusting him with my hurt feelings earlier in the day, about something/someone else. -
Hi Hazydayz
He is awful, thats a revolting violation of your body against your wishes. ARe you saying he reminds you that you are abusing him when you reject his unlooked for and unwanted physical molestations of your body?
yes, he’s a sex offender, he is asserting his power over your body by removing your consent from you.
I am sorry he’s betrayed your trust and let you down so badly when you shared something painful with him.
This is who he is, and it must be so painful for you live around every day.
((hugs)) (if wanted) xx
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Hi again TS, yes he is, acting like a sex offender. No I’m not abusing him or saying that’s what he says, I do to him, thats what I said to him!.. he is offending me sexually. and he knows it! From my yelling…don’t do that! yesterday and also, from when I’ve told him before, I don’t like that! He keeps doing it though. Yes it’s awful when he becomes like that.
I made the mistake of having intimacy with him (detail removed by moderator) as things were sort of nice between us then. It had been months since the last time we got close physically. But, I was in agony during and told him stop. Then after, I noticed I had spotted blood I told him and I said ..(detail removed by moderator)! But, although he was told and lovingly I thought at he time, said to me… (detail removed by moderator), he has obviously forgotten? Put it out of his mind? Wants physical, sexual, attenttuon again. I have told him he needs a younger more sexually active woman, that’s not me! I’ve said, to him…we need to divorce, do you can go find someone else! But he just replies… I don’t want anyone else and goes back to his old ways sadly. As well as his nasty touches he has some nasty touches. Yes, it’s upsetting when he betrays my brief in his ability to empathise with how I’m feeling let down by others of course he loves that I need him to comfort me? as he sees it, would have it! To suit himself. Anyway, I guess it’s come round again hasn’t it, I need to get out of this situation. TS Thankyou for the offer of a virtual hug that’s very kind of you and very much needed right now. So I’ll take it TS🤗 Thankyou🤗 -
P P S. TS What I forgot to tell was ..(detail removed by moderator) Now thinking about that, he either was embarrassed? Or trying to distract my attention from what I might say or do or what was coming next? Would I call the police? But, I’m more inclined to believe…it’s blame me! He has done this sort of thing a lot. Only the other day, he was (detail removed by moderator) He’s the victim of some kind of i.aginary abuse from me it seems?. Thanks for listening TS, hope your life is better than mine💞
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I had similar when I said we were over and he kept trying to hug me or force me to kiss him. Just because you had a physical occasion a few weeks ago doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to do this now, especially when you’re saying no. Sadly making out he’s hurt and is the victim of you hurting his (detail removed by moderator), deflecting away from what you’ve said is typical. Keep a log, and keep safe xx
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You know something I figured about him, in all these years being with him, listening to him and what happened to him! All his childhood and adult abuse from his parents as he (detail removed by moderator) until I came along…conveniently! It was awful what he told me, I felt sorry for him back then, I let him move into my home as an escape? Too soon for my welfare I know now but didn’t back then think of, foolishly! He never has or would squeal on his parents, report about what they did to him, abusing him terribly, all his life, I see it myself now, they don’t bother with him, don’t want to see him! Think I don’t know anything about what happened, O haven’t said anything YET! But I am as much their victim as the abuse has come into my life now, through him and what they taught him to be! As O said…he would never report their abuse, because he doesn’t want to lose them, or lose any chance of them loving him? In the future he might be hoping? But! He wants me to pay for what they did! By trying to get me accused of abusing him? I believe. Given those two above things I mentioned. And his verbalising how everyone agrees with him about me. Another of his nasty ways to diminish my confidence and belief in people believing me about my being abused by HIM! Sorry for my lengthy additions today.
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It sounds very risky to stay with him Hazydayz because he is threatening to report you for abuse, and the police will have to believe his account, unless they already know some background from you.
Him being abused in the past doesn’t mean he will automatically be abusive too, lots have suffered awful abuses and didn’t become abusive themselves. He has choices to do what he’s doing, he’s choosing to abuse you, and take advantage of your kindness and manipulating you into letting him into your home. You only have his word about the abuse anyway and potentially he’s a liar?
If this is your house that he’s moved into he can just as easily move out again, regardless of how his parents treat him, it isn’t your problem and he’s trying to force making it your problem. Do you think you could warn him that if he grabs you again he will have to go, it will be over? Would he take any notice?
I am sorry you are living this way daily. I hope you can find a way to support you to a better life than this one with him.
warmest wishes
ts
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Thankyou TS for your advice, yes, I too have thought this is a risky situation. He is always the victim! I do believe what his parents did, I e seen them in action and it’s ugly! Not at first but after we were married and visiting them. His family let the front slip after . I hadn’t seen th a lot before as we met and married very quickly. I know! Another sign of a groomer/abuser. That’s the problem though, I fell for it, had no support around me to spot signs? And now he has legal rights by marriage, to remain in my home. I have reported to police in early days but they didnt charge him with the coehisibe control because I felt sorry for h and retracted my statement. That was a big mistake I know now. The second time he was arrested and brough home smiling about the police officer who seemed like his new best friend. He turned to me and said…(detail removed by moderator)! ???? can you imagine? I was the nervous victim getting that treatment. So, that’s my situation sadly. He now believes the police are on his side? I haven’t ever reported sex offences but he knows me well enough that if he pushes it I will!
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The police officer was acting unlawfully speaking to you this way as a vulnerable woman reporting abuse. He might believe the police are on his side, but that was just one officer who wasn’t doing his job properly. They are supposed to be there to serve you, to keep you safe, and by showing allegiance to a perpetrator he was in the wrong, and needs reporting, but regardless of that, you can still speak with his senior to report things to, or be allocated another officer. Its up to you whether you want to go down that road of course, but its important that regardless of that behaviour you know that his abuse against you is wrong and the police should never support him.
Its common for women to retract their statements, this is a very hard situation to get through, and we none of us can do it all right, or even report at all.
You are also not required to have him in your home because you are married. You could get a non-mol and occupation order against him to make him leave and not return, would this be something that would help you?
warmest wishes
ts
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Yes TS I agree. But felt in complete shock at the time and after had no confidence in the system, especially as a wpc told me next time, I just need to get more confidence? That did it for me! I have since told my GP about both of these incidents and she did ask if I want to make a complaint? I just wanted none of it to have ever happened or ever happen again, that’s all I felt. Apart from fear. Amazingly though, I’m still hopeful of getting the support should I require it. I didn’t realise I could get those orders alone? Without police assistance? I guess not though Without a solicitor? So you understand my confusion, The county council informed him on the phone, in front of me that he had rights by marriage to remain in the home, when I said I wanted him to leave and I wanted a divorce. Because of all that I’ve gone through/go through on account of his often abusive behaviour. It seems I didn’t know anything that would help me? Now I do! Thankyou so much TS💐
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Try calling your nearest family courts office to ask them what you need to do, you will need to make your case in writing on the forms, and they can be issued within the day normally, but you will need to state briefly some of the worst stuff he’s done, but no, you don’t need a solicitor or anyone else, to do this.
You can also take a friend along, and ask the office to help you with the forms. Just be prepared that they may be busy and if so arrange a time with them to come, so that a judge can give you an audience to state your case in person also. Also ask them how much an ex-parte application will cost for the non-mol and how you have to enforce it (copy to the police, with powers of arrest for breaches).
ts xx
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Yeah he’s a creepy slenderman with creepy stretchy arms, I so can’t wait for the day you get out of there and just get be the brilliant you we’ve learned to know
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😭😂🤣 sorry I know it’s serious stuff this topic but, I’m wetting myself laughing at your description Auriel, you got him to a T! And I’m in shock! I’m Thinking…?you’ve met him haven’t you Auriel?;0r someone like him? I do hope that’s not the case though! Thanks for lightning the mood🤗 I can still enjoy an unexpected laugh, but at my own expense sadly, it seems sometimes. ♥️💞💕
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I was abused does that mean im gonna? No no no its no excuse at all sweetie. Mine does this all the time he is always touching pokeing grabbing he says as my husband he is allowed. We went away weekend and some how i dont know how or why but i managed to get so drunk i have no memory of what i did none at all he says we had sex and i did all sorts i dont remember anything at all. My counsellor says that no body decent would have had sex with someone that drunk. Made me sit up and think today that did.
Did he take advantage of me even though we are married does he does yours have the right to do this?????-
Hey nbumblebee, I’m sorry you were abused, yes, I’ve read that in your threads and replied to you sympathetically before haven’t I hun.. I know you struggle with it and self harming you mentioned, I hope that parts now in the past? and I’m sure you wouldn’t abuse anyone else. I owe you an apology/explanation maybe? So here it is and everyone else! In my moments of darkness/loneliness from having noone to talk to, when writing here, from the depths of my understanding of my situation here, I sometimes! I see from my mistakes! Don’t think clearly about what I’m writing or how it will be interpreted by some people here? I apologise for this! I guess I’m just throwing everything at the page here! Trying to unload! Give as much info surrounding my situation/circumstances as is helpful maybe? To someone who would understand? I do I suppose also, whilst writing, hope for a reply from someone who empathises/sympathises understands. Maybe identifies with me? So I wasn’t or won’t! at anytime deliberately! try to imply that all people who are abused go on to abuse. I know that’s not true because I am being abused/was abused at certain times in my life too! And I don’t! abuse anyone, or wouldnt want to! either. I’m sorry to anyone reading this or what I wrote yesterday if that’s how they took what I said? I just was explaining best I can, that I see my husband’s abusive parentage in him! I know and have told him he should not follow in their footsteps! Aftreall, he knows how miserable they made his life through abusing him. So I agree!! It shouldn’t happen to anyone! I Just want to reference, I do have first hand experience of how the dynamics of that family operated/operates still, it wasn’t and isn’t healthy! I’m not trying to make a sob story here about him! Or His being abused, although, as a victim now too, I understand! The harm they have done to others are still guilty of! Neither is talking about…the start of it all, and where I see it came from, intended to make allowances or excuses for his abusive behaviour towards me! I see now that some here may feel that, or feel angered/insulted/!by what I seem to imply? Making excuses for him? An abuser! I cannot help feeling angry at his family! I cannot forgive his family Or forgive his abuse of me! So… I see that.. because his family have abused/ worked together to push him out, all his life! I unfortunately became, through my kind heartedness/ignorance/stupidity their next victim! (it’s really obvious to see for myself now and after we married almost a decade ago) I need to talk about it!!!
I hadn’t seen it before we married, we only went to his parents home a couple of times before marrying, too soon! after meeting. It was a real quick affair! If I had had my senses about me? Seen back then what I’ve seen now…I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him! or his!I saw how his mum tried to start with me after the honeymoon period was over, she out of the blue announced …”I can be a b***h too love”! One time we visited her. I thought there and then! that’s an odd thing to come out with? The next time we went, she showed me! Started to try to turn the screws! In my head! I was out of there pronto! My husband of course was immobilised by her! I had to go back in and get him out of there, why? Did I do that? But, that’s who I was back then! A rescuer! A nightee in shinning underwear! Lol sorry about that! I couldn’t resist! What I mean is…along with using my body adornments to appear desireable, lovable? to my husband I reference this to… Past behaviour. Similarly, partners I have attracted/ formed relationships with intimately OR not! I might hope to be seen in a good way! As many women do hope to! I think that’s fair to say? To attract and keep the attention/affection of the partner) I guess, I always felt strongly that also!…
I was armoured with compassion and understanding of people being victims of something awful maybe? Things, I thought shouldn’t happen to people, including me! (So I took them under my wing, tried to protect them? Care for them, like a loving mother duckee! because that’s what I had spent my whole life being. I see now! (detail removed by Moderator) Was what I was named as a (detail removed by Moderator) year old, doing things to help my mum cope with her brood, my younger siblings! And after the tradgedy…when I was trying to hold it together? Saw my mum had gone! Wasn’t available to us! She’d left living for existing alone! Well, someone had to care!) (part of my most felt, early memories, my background!) So…I stuck with him! and I couldn’t/ didn’t know what was coming!…I avoided a relationship with the in-laws at all costs! My allegiance was with him! It obviously was difficult? (Was to become much more difficult! For me! in the years that would foiiow to date!) Even though my husband had been/ still was their victim I made sure I wasn’t going to be! Or so I thought! back then. I wasn’t directly affected by them, his mother being the worst! but I was/am by him!
So…I hope now, everyone including yourself sees? That’s what I was trying to say! and I know! they are one sick family. Including him!
I’m so sorry to read what’s been happening to you, Reading what you wrote, I appreciate how much misery
it must be causing you. I’m lucky I suppose, in that I don’t drink. I can’t find myself waking up from another awful situation like the one you described. Actually, That’s why I won’t take my knock out prescription meds, so I am fully conscious and able, If I need to,get away in my car in a hurry! ( well! As quick as I am able) if I need to escape from him.
It’s a terrible thing to say maybe? But,it makes me feel relieved? so much more stronger in myself? I manage my pain instead of relieving it. But I want to be alert! after reading what you wrote…that through loss of consciousness, you were manipulated maybe? into the situation that you can’t even remember? (Im guessing he plied you with more and more drink to get his fun/dirty fun didn’t he?) From what you say it’s obvious that as you were too drunk to remember what happened? And sadly, He’s enjoyed feeding you the sleezy details, do you think? You have my sympathy nbumblebee, no they don’t have the rights to do what they do! Because we married them, not knowing what would be! -
Oh beautiful lady you have nothing to apologise for nothing at all i understand what you wanna say i do all i was trying to do was help you see that being abused does not give anyone the right to abuse thats all.
We all come on here to get out the mess thats inside us no need to ever apologise let it out sweetie always just let it out. Sending you love and kind thoughts xxxxx -
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Acceptance is the hardest part. We can see we know what they do and say is wrong once our eyes have opened and we have learned that their behaviour is wrong we cant unsee accepting it all is completly different. Its way too real too scarey its far easier to run hide and pretend isnt it?
I hope you find a way hazydays i really do. X*x -
They don’t care hazy they just don’t care that you don’t wanna be with them, they don’t care that you wanna leave and separate in fact it makes them more controlling cos it’s ‘all’ about them (in their eyes) they live in a state of i want like angry spoiled kids, I hope you go soon I don’t like him
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and yes I’ve met many people like him hazy unfortunately (it’s partially how I’m on here) if we flip it around (and this is for you too @nbumblebee)and everything was the other way around would we be able to do half the stuff they do to us? I know 💯 I’d never be able to have sex with someone I knew didn’t want me to or was in a such a vulnerable state (like ridiculously drunk) that they couldn’t consent, that’s how to work out exactly what these people are 😔😔😔
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All that saying that people agree with him (about your apparent abuse of him) is just his scare mongering and gaslighting tactics, it took me a while to figure that out cos I believed them for a while (made me paranoid fully! for years!) like how many people are in his life anyway and would they’re opinions even count? soon as I got away from my past abusers and family I started to see the wood for the trees, it’s just all toxic manipulation tactics
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☀️🌈Yes, your right Auriel. He can’t hurt the family that hurt him though, because they don’t care! They’re not around him, he has no friends, he’s made my life like his! Ive been his only support ironically! He’s never been mine! Moving on…
Auriel, I’m so sorry you have been through it! All of it! And that you woke up to being manipulated, in the toxic forest you describe. I’m happy for you Now you’ve found freedom, in the woodland clearing of your own making, it sounds enchanting🌲🌲🌲
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Well I got pstd and a fair bit of agoraphobia (so not exactly enchanting 🤔) but I can see “everything” now and other people’s reactions of me and other things that didn’t make sense at the time and now do, it was all misinformation (my abusers had been spreading sooo many lies, truth twisting and switching who was the abuser and who was the victim to people) it had all been going on for ages. I’m curious if whether your husband had been incorrectly describing you to his parents cos that I can be a b***h too statement is very weird from a lady that didn’t even know you? but we all know abusers project their own traits onto others
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Enchanting? Oh yes…wrong choice of word that! To describe where you are now, from where you came from on your journey to your new found space. Yes, I forgot about the baggage you carried with you along the way and even now sadly! Yes, I overlooked that for a time there. I do that! with my own PTSD. When I’m trying to move away from it! from difficulties, It seems I have developed a way that I can escape for a while! A few nano seconds really! But visualising somewhere peaceful or beautiful in my mind seems to be the key? I had already acquired PTSD I believe from a very early childhood trauma, so maybe I’ve been doing it a long time? I’ll be well practiced at it won’t I all these years after. It doesn’t seem to work so well with the later years stuff though? I guess it can’t work for everything? Or Everyone. I’m so sorry to read what you endured through, sounds like a hellish start in life, somewhat different from my hellish start. But equally as damaging I suspect? I am at the brink of therapy starting si don’t yet know the whole of the enormity of what I have tried to contain from that ammased? along the way. But I still have the memories and they keep me in that place! So…disfunctionality? More to the point disfunctional families eh? If you won’t mind me saying this?…Sounds like you come from one! sadly! Auriel, I wish for you it wasn’t so. I would describe my family background as detached, disconnected and extremely deprived of love, affection and support when desperately needed. Is that’s the same as yours? It is, isn’t it I’m realising now as I write about my own family dysfunctionality. I didn’t really think of it as abusive though back then, I only had one parent and she seemed to be just about doing? I want to say enough? But it wasn’t really! But given the circumstances of back then, I realise I have always made excuses for her. Not blamed her at all! Still don’t! The tradgedy finished her I feel! She lived on antidepressants for the rest of her life! I just could do with her being around now, or the closeness of my siblings, who aren’t close sadly! There’s been no violence in my family though! So for that I’m grateful!Now…my husband’s family! That’s a complete different story! I will come back to you shortly on that topic Auriel. It’s going to be a very very long read else!📝 xx
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I hope you gain something from the new therapy hazy and it’s ok dysfunctional is the right word to describe the upbringing (but I didn’t know till freedom programme cos I adapted and normalised and I wouldn’t have known now to explain it) anyway if it wasn’t for that i still wouldn’t know!
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I know nbumblebee 💗💕💗
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I’m sure you wouldn’t nbumblebee. Yes, they like to push your buttons with their verbal abuse/ insults or nasty comments don’t they. I think they like winding up and enjoy slamming downs. I get back lashings our of nowhere too! I m guessing you know what I mean, you get them too maybe? I was treated to one only yesterday. Can you believe? (Detail removed by Moderator). He was waiting to have a go! I know he was! Like so many times before! xx
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Thankyou Auriel 💐 I hope so too Auriel. I’m already worrying though, about the acceptance thing? Accepting that all this happened! I feel afraid, of it crippling me. You see, I’ve always, managed in the past by…turn away! don’t look! Don’t stop! keep running! I guess that very young girl, taught me that! Anyway, I’m a big girl now! I am gonna have to face things and move on arn’t I. Just like you did!🌲👩🌲
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There’s power in acceptance hazy and awareness, it might be painful in the beginning but better in long term 🍀🌹🍀
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