He’s always so nice, but then flips

[Duds123]

I don’t understand. On a daily basis this man is amazing to me. Can’t do enough for me, listens to Me, supports me, everything other than when he flips he physically attacks me an we end up in big fights. I’ve already had (legal detail removed by Moderator) then went back. Now his attacked me again (legal detail removed by Moderator) for this.

I cant wrap my head around how he can be so nice but then he drinks an takes cocaine and flips on me about minor things that on a normal day we can talk about.

I used to think o it’s just the drink an recreational drug use but now I know that actually it’s still a choice to do what he does.

(detail removed by Moderator) Yet i still chose to believe in him. (legal detail removed by Moderator) Why do I love this man

[Bananaboat]

Because they’re clever and manipulate our minds. If he was that nasty version all the time you’d find it easy to walk away wouldn’t you – which is where the super nice act comes in because that’s what keeps you hooked. As you say it’s not the drugs and alcohol doing this to him, he’s choosing to attack you – the nice stuff is the fake him. Have you looked into the freedom programme?

[Duds123]

Thank you for your reply.

This is the mad thing. I’m so well educated in DV an understanding of what’s happening but I’m still in it. I feel like I only have myself to blame. I’ve done the freedom programme few years ago but I need to do it again clearly.

 

I struggle daily with my kids and I feel like that’s a huge barrier to me escaping this man

[Bananaboat]

Have you looked into FOG, the fear/obligation/guilt? That definitely kept me in the relationship longer than I should’ve done. It’s really really hard to leave and really scary – they don’t make it easy either. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re clearly doing the best you can and that’s ok. Remember you’re not to blame, he is.

[PleaseChillout]

I really have a similar situation as does many. Cocaine is the devil drug. I know people say “they decide to attack you” but I’ve taken cocaine before and I’ve done things that I know I would not do ever if I wasn’t on it! I know abuse is abuse. But I honestly don’t believe a person is an abuser all the time if it happened under drug use. I change into a different person on cocaine and I be completely embarrassed by it! It’s nearly like an alter ego. For me , tee total may be the answer to end violent actions.

[Lisa]

Hi,

Just to give some insight on this. Abusers often need to work themselves up into a state where they can carry out violent acts and taking substances can be a part of that. Taking a substance that they know makes them feel and behave in aggressive, violent ways is a choice. Remaining in a relationship where they know they are harming their partner is a choice. Often, intoxication, addiction, and mental health are used by abusers to excuse their behaviour and allow them not to take responsibility for their actions. Addiction and mental health are also commonly used to manipulate women into staying with abusive partners by creating a sense of obligation to look after the abuser.

It can feel really confusing and abuse can certainly happen at the same time as substance use, but it doesn’t cause abuse. Many people use substances and are still healthy and supportive partners. Abuse is a choice that someone makes to engage in a pattern of behaviour that gives them power and control over the person that they’re abusing.

I hope this helps around how behaviour while an abuser is seemingly not in control is still a choice they’re making.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[PleaseChillout]

Is he willing to get help for his drug and alcohol issues? Or is he in denial that it’s a problem?

[PleaseChillout]

Then on the other hand I’m on this forum to begin with as I’m unsure myself on what actions to take. It’s very very confusing . I’m trained in mental health also which is why I’m feeling very contradictory.

[Author]

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