He’s angry – but is it abuse?

[Brewsandshoes]

I did the quiz – and I did only say yes to one question, so I don’t know if this is the right place for me. My husband basically gets angry unpredictably, and gets more angry than a situation deserves. He has a go at me and our oldest child – rarely the younger one or anyone at work. He’s not violent – and I would have said there’s no financial abuse, but then he’s critical of me when I suggest any big spending, like on the house or a holiday. What we spend is decided by him.

I edit my behaviour because I don’t trust his good moods. My child has said his attitude is making her wonder how often she’ll come home when she turns 18.

I don’t even know if it changes anything if it is abuse. He doesn’t see his behaviour is a problem – I don’t know if I’m being oversensitive.

If this isn’t the right place – is there somewhere else to go for help with angry partners?

[EvenSerpentsShine]

This is the right place to talk about it. That behaviour is abuse in my opinion. Being very quick to anger over seemingly unimportant issues, or ever changing issues is very abusive in that it keeps you in a state of anxiety and ‘walking on eggshells’. This means you become hyper vigilant to his needs, often to the detriment of your own. You continually self judge as to whether something can be said or done or whether it will possibly cause a fight therefore you’ll avoid it.

A classic one here is to avoid doing anything that you suspect he doesn’t like, maybe seeing your family or spending time with friends or on a hobby, or taking a promotion at work or buying yourself a treat etc.

I’m sure nobody here would want to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do with this knowledge. Only you know how seriously you feel it affects your life.

He’s not violent (removed by Moderator), but you may feel that you’re at risk in other ways, mentally or emotionally.
Most perceived wisdom about abusive behaviour is that it is very fixed ( ie it doesn’t change) and it gets worse over time.

[Camel]

You found your way to this forum because you feel like you’re being abused and are looking for answers. I think this is more important that how many ‘yesses’ there were on the quiz. Doesn’t the one ‘yes’ count?

I don’t think there’s anywhere to go for help with ‘angry partners.’ After all, your husband isn’t an angry person with everyone. He chooses when to blow up and who will get the brunt of it. So, I wonder if his ‘anger’ is genuine. Could it, perhaps, be a tried and trusted method of control?

You don’t trust his ‘good’ moods and don’t understand his ‘angry’ moods. You are at the mercy of his whims, and to make matters worse, so is your daughter. How many times a day do you modify your behaviour? How often do you deny yourself things because he wouldn’t like it? You’re doing all the emotional labour to make your relationship just about bearable. He couldn’t care less. Why is it up to you to work out how to live with his anger?

Self-labelling your wholly justified feelings of distress and unhappiness as ‘over sensitive’ is plain wrong. Your feelings matter. Listen to your gut.

 

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