hes back and its hard

[honeyuh]

so, i havent posted on here in a while and I thought id never need to come back I thought is as fine but I’m not. Things have been better over the last year, I finally went to therapy and she properly started me on the path towards a hopeful diagnosis f C-PTSD, obviously its a long journey especially with the state of the world rn its hard to get appointments n stuff. But it feels like a step in the right direction, it has allowed me to come to terms with the fact that what i went through was trauma, it was traumatic. Im not overreacting. Usually I’m okay, since therapy I’ve allowed myself to feel things a bit more freely and acknowledge my own emotions without letting them scare me. I finally started dating again and i am so happy. But lockdown has been hard. I cant stop having nightmares and panic attacks and i feel unsafe in my own house and its so hard to get out of bed. My girlfriend knows but its hard to talk to her I’m always scared shes gonna realise I’m a lost cause and leave. Rationally i know she wont but i don’t KNOW that.
i wake up exhausted and spend days in bed unable to move or do anything of any USE. when i was back at work for the like month that lockdown was eased i was so Exhausted every day i just feel so, tired.
It doesn’t help that he’s back, he has started following people (detail removed by moderator) i know and that means he’s active, he’s alive. In my head i convinced myself he was just dead in a ditch somewhere. The worst part is i have no idea where he is, the one social media he has is completely private so i cant see it. From what i know he says he’s on the other end of the world but i don’t believe him, I’m sure he’s still in my city, which makes leaving the house hard. Everybody thinks I’m crazy I’m letting him control me even after everything but they don’t understand that I’m so Scared, i know he has a power over me and I’m scared if i saw him again he would know that too. He would know i wouldn’t shout for help and i would cower in fear.
idk if this makes any sense i just had nowhere else to turn to rn.
part of me is morbidly curious how is is, where he is what he’s doing. but i would never follow him to find out. Sometimes i wanna talk to him one last time to see if anythings changed. Its been years since. had him arrested and around (detail removed by moderator) since the case was finally dropped. I feel empty. Idk i need to try and sleep but i cant the thoughts are so loud.

[Catjam]

Hi, I’m not sure how to help but I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post.
I don’t think it matters how long ago you left this person, I think we invest so much of our souls into making them happy and we take whatever punishment they give us in the hopes they realise that they don’t need to and will love us as much as we love them.
You aren’t a lost cause, just a person trying to heal and cope with the trauma of everything that happened to you. Be kind to yourself and take each day a step at a time.
I can understand wanting to talk to him one last time and following him on social media but maybe you need to not do that. It’s not helping you to heal or to move on. He’s clearly doing it to get a reaction but I think if you were getting stronger by thinking he was dead then maybe go back to that thought.
I’m sure some of the other ladies will have better advice. Take care xx

[Empoweredhealing]

I think your emotions and reactions to even the thought of him is really normal after trauma. Our nervous system takes a long time to normalize. And it may always be triggered when we encounter the source of our pain. After all, it’s there to protect us from danger and these men are dangerous to our health and well being.
Also the lure of social media to check on them is so powerful. I had the hardest time with blocking him completely but honestly, it was the BEST thing for me. I would notice how my heart would race and a feeling of dread would come over me even if I only see a picture of him on social media. That’s my body’s way of telling me how unhealthy this was for me. And I finally listened. As you recover, your desire to see, hear or talk to him will dissipate. It won’t happen over night but it will happen gradually.

[honeyuh]

thank you so much for both of your advice <3 its nice to have that reassurance that I’m not alone and what I’m feeling isn’t so weird or unusual so thank you so much

[Author]

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