- This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Every interaction I have with him is disturbing and painful for me. We do have contact because our kids have a very lovely relationship and I have a very strong and sweet bond with his young girl. However I know he’s not good for me and my son and I don’t want to be with him. I wanted to end with him before he left.
However knowing that he’s back with his ex hurts. She is at his house…I know because his girl contacts my son to play together online. She adores my son, and me. They have gone on holidays together at my ex in-laws,when last year we were due to our honey moon just at this time.
I know I should feel relieved and part of me doesn’t care. Part of me is very hurt. Mainly cos I don’t like this woman. She was awful, his family despises her and they all think she is exploitative and describe her as toxic and rat bag (I don’t know what this means as i am not English but I suppose nothing good). My ex mother in.law refused to see her at all. I generally get on well with my partners exes…I have been in 3 relationship where my partner had kids with other women. What I have seen with this one was out of the grace of God. Totally neglected her kids, up to the point that one of them was removed from her custody. He always told me he was in despair over how she treated the kids and ended up running back under his skirt. I know in my head this is what he needs and wants and our values are just too different. But it hurts a lot…and I must find a way for this not to hurt. Ideas? Honestly I have never thought someome was just plain bad…this is the first time. All way through our relationship I felt she was blackmailing my ex through the kid and my ex was just unable to protect his kid me my son us himself. He now says they have a lovely family. He’s nasty I know but it hurts. I need to find a way for it not to hurt…thanks xx -
The only way it’s going to stop hurting is with total zero contact. Abusers are liars and fill our heads with rubbish. I saw a statement from my ex new gf about me and it was two pages of nasty vindictive character assassination. The funny thing is I have never once met this woman or had any contact whatsoever with her. They had an affair behind my back. But I can see his lies and manipulation even in her words. So he will lie to her, and lie to you and lie to his child and anyone else he wants to. The only way is to save yourself and walk away and that includes your child too. Save yourself the pain that comes with contact.
-
Hi Kip, having lived with my ex and had lots to do with the mother of his child, I know for sure that she is a great manipulator, because I have seen what she was doing to the kids and how the kids were when we were picking them up. A state of total disaster and she was blackmailing continuously, with threats of suicide, money requests, and I heard her and seen her dozens of times manipulating and psychologically blackmailing the kids (when you go to their home the kittens cry till you come back – and this is just one of the minor ones that she said in front of me). You only needed to see the state of the child when we picked her up from her mom. She was nasty up to the point that one of her kids attempted suicide and was removed from her because he said he would do it again if he was made to go back to her.
I don’t think my ex is a calculator, and I have never seen him doing directly nasty things like these to the kids – I think he is dangerous nonetheless. He is rather a total mess. Totally unable to stand on his feet and extremely easy to be manipulated. He is self centred, self absorbed, he fails to see right from wrong, be is catastrophic. He is not like this with me or with women because he is callous with women: he is like this with the kids, with his dog…the kid squints and is getting worse at her eye sight, he doesn’t note that, if you say that to him, he is too enmeshed in his own c**p to book up an appointment to get her checked, or forgets, or other things crop up; then if you get him to make these glasses he is then too messy to remember to bring her glasses and if he does, he is then incapable to making her wear them. Same with food; same with his finances; same with the house (he had ended up with holes in the walls and a stinky, stinky, stinky house where incontinent dog and not castrated cats were pissing everywhere). He is just a total mess. The end result is the same of course. His total mess has the same effect on me that a deliberate and calculated abuse. The man is unreliable, untrustworthy, unbalanced, unable to care, unable to protect. I think she is extremely nasty and extremely selfish. However, she also comes as a refugee from a war zone – and I know that in that area of the world people become very unscrupolous; they have to use whatever means to survive, and so she has learnt to use others to her own end. She made a child with someone to escape her country; it is very clear she has made kids as a source of income, and she has tried hard to get a psychiatric diagnosis for one of her kids in order to get benefits. I know for sure she tries to cheat on everything, because I have seen financial sorts of blackmails to my ex (you need to pay for my bills otherwise the debt collector will cut the gas and electricity and your daughter will live in the cold). That is her mindset. But my ex never had the guts to step up and say: ok, then, the kid will live with us. There were no boundaries that I felt were healthy or even sustainable. That is one of the major reasons why we split up. She was everywhere in our life, she was psychologically torturing the kids and I could not stand him being so condescending to the delirium of the ex. I cannot tell you the stuff she was coming up with. And I know it was difficult for him because it was a constant pain; however, he totally failed to protect the kids. Then he precipitated totally I think and since we split up he has been a total total mess, the mess he was in before we got together and even worse.
I know of course in my head that this is not a situation where me and my son have to be. I need to thank god every day we are not together. We must not be in this, and they should be together because if he gets with another woman, chances are she’ll also be hurt. He has to live in the enmeshed mud he has with her and all these kids from different marriages, different relationships and I am luckily out of it. But it does hurt a bit. I am aware in my head that I am lucky to be out and to be out alive, and I have to let it sink into my guts.
But no, no chance I give up on the kids.
Little kid called me the other day, she came to see me, and we have a new pet. She asked me what the most important thing was for me. I said, still you and my son, and she said, all normal, isn’t the new pet now more important than me? I have been the only person to take proper and normal care of this little one and god forbid she tries to do what her brother did last year. I know I am not mother Teresa, I know that. I just need to find a way to not give a d**n about what he does and be available for the kid possibly without having dealings with them. -
If this child is the product of this dysfunction then you can only get hurt further. Her mother or father can cease her contact with you or use it against you. One day you may have to make a very sad decision for your own sanity and that of your son. After saying all these things about his ex, he goes back to her. They are liars, cheats and manipulators x
-
Yes Kip they are very disturbed individuals and very damaging individuals
What he said about her is true because i have experienced if first hand. I have seen hee messages. Seen her treating the kids. Spent time with her. He is true about her. But he is worse than her because he doesn’t come from war zone and doesn’t have the trauma she probably had. He can’t protect his kids from her and help her. Just gets enmeshed. I know is good we are apart but this awareness has to become a feeling of relief. It will happen I think. My son’s father was also an abuser. He is exactly how you say. Calculator ambitious liar double faced unscrupulous and I did get over it. Now I have to do the same with my ex and make sure i understand how not to be in these situations as it is the third time now.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
