He’s being nice again

[Sogo1234]

I was so ready to leave. Then he came home and being around him makes it so much harder to stay angry. I got sad and now we are back together and working on things. It was like I felt so horrible and lost and when he hugged me everything felt okay again. I hate that he is the cause but the cure for how I feel. He got me a gift to apologise too but then made a snide comment about him not getting anything.

There’s still all this stuff in my mind of him lying, saying horrible things, recording me when I was vulnerable, and the multiple arguments before that when I can’t get a word in and he’s just throwing insult after insult. I don’t trust him anymore but I’m just trying to keep the peace because I cannot handle any more arguing. My mental and physical health is in bits.

I feel so weak for not following through. It is scary thinking of leaving and how that will all work. And I love him still. Will I ever be ready to leave?

I have been signed on now with a DA charity/service near me and am just waiting to be allocated a support worker so I’m hoping that helps me find the strength to work this all out. I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel so confused.

[Reallyconfused]

You are not alone. This is how I feel too. But I now also know that this is how they operate. The mask will fall and the real him is still there.
Because we are emotionally healthy, we feel bonded again when they are being nice. And it is an emotional roller coaster because we remember the horrible side.
Please keep posting. It’s good you are in touch with DA and sharing your feelings.
Interesting about the gift – my husband did the same but there would be a snide comment too.
He once even “told” me to get him a gift for his birthday on the day after a terrible argument.
To keep the peace I did , but the fact I hadn’t got him anything because I was so upset and mentally low didn’t register with him. He didn’t care.
He just wanted a gift at any cost.

[Sogo1234]

Thank you. I’m sorry you are dealing with this too. It’s so hard because my heart hurts thinking about the arguments and the lies but then I love him and when things are good they are really nice.

I become a shell of a human when we are arguing or at break up stage and don’t feel strong enough to push through that point yet. It’s just nice to have a break from arguing at the moment. I’m so scared to bring anything up or have any discussions because I can’t deal with the arguing.

[Reallyconfused]

I understand completely. They know we don’t want their anger and shouting so it’s a way of controlling us and keeping us quiet.
It’s a relief when there is no shouting or arguing but that should actually be normal.
It’s that peaceful period that messes with our heads and we think we’ve overreacted or that this is how relationships operate. We become hopeful and they become nasty again (their real self) and then we crave the nice bit of them again.
It’s like an emotional addiction.
It’s peaceful on their terms and they control the situation if they want an argument to get their way.
I didn’t understand that healthy relationships operate in very different ways , even when there are disagreements because no one wants to control the other person and there is genuine respect.
Take your time and take each day at a time.

[Sogo1234]

Thank you. It’s just hard to accept that that’s how he operates and how his brain works. I just can’t comprehend it.

Thanks so much for your comment and for explaining it all. Appreciate it!

[nbumblebee]

A few months ago i was ready to go. I have always said i wont ever leave but he had pushed me too far and I had had enough I messaged a freind to tell her. He read that message and talked to me. He said he couldnt help it that he would get help that we could work it out that i could leave but lets try. Now a few months in its been calm no big flare uos but still tint niggles small comments then they got bigger and bigger but yet still no big ones no threts no name calling the lromise of getting help has passed he says he is “fixed” hes been good. Its better but I am still on edge waiting thsi weekend was particulary tough small tiny things but my counsellor says its still abuse im now stuck here again without a reason to go. I am angry disgusted at myself im so so stupid to fall for it time and time again im so so sad so alone so done but yet im stuck.
So sweetie you are not alone here many of us sadly feel the pain you do. We have to keep pushing keep learning keep growing. I am determined he wont grind me down further its a miserable life to live but for now its the only one we have. Hope keep hoping that one day you will walk and keep walking and never ever look back.
Thinking of you stay safe x*x

[Sogo1234]

So sorry you’ve dealt with this. It is horrible being on edge just knowing another fight will come at some point. I empathise 🙁 I hope it stays okay for you.

I have spoken to my friends about things and now I feel embarrassed and like they are going to judge me as I’m staying with him (for now). They tell me to leave him.

I guess I’m just happy there’s no arguing at the moment. But I keep having bad dreams about him lying, being nasty or cheating. It’s exhausting but I’m just not strong enough to leave yet.

Thank you for your comment and support x

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