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Despite the bail conditions he made an attempt to contact me again this weekend. I reported it but it has left me feeling horrible.
I had hoped the lack of contact meant that he had begun to move on. No. It seems he is still living rough. Still suicidal. Still pleading for me to contact him.
The begging hurts. I’d rather he was angry. But pleading to speak to me breaks my heart and brings back all those feelings of wanting to love and protect him. And then the self doubt starts again. I start to question whether he was really that bad. Have I blown it all out of proportion? How could I have loved someone so much if he was abusive? It can’t be true. I must be lying. I shouldn’t be happy if he is sad.
It’s hard enough getting through each day without carrying that worry for him too. He has taken so much. I just want some peace. He’s caused so much pain and suffering for me and my family. Why do I still feel love for him? Why do I still want to protect him? Will it ever stop?
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Hi Apricot, that’s a horrible feeling when he begs and pleads, it also is fake, as in… it makes you feel like you are in control of this situation when in fact you are only in control of your actions and him his. You had to involve the police, that is also on him and his behaviour. A healthy man would respect your wishes and move on. All break ups hurt but breaking up with an abuser is the worst.
If he is in a bad state there’s help out there for him. He wants you to help him as a way back in.
I am so sorry he contacted you as zero contact will help your head and to move on emotionally.
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I was in a similar situation with my ex few years ago. As time went on and I didn’t back down his true colours really came out. Made me realise that my pity was misplaced, his choices had put him out on the street , not mine. It’s still not easy but never regret reporting. I did every time he broke conditions. In all the texts and messages he never once acknowledged his actions , apologised or showed remorse. It will get easier, stay strong
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Google trauma bonding. You have to break that bond. It’s like a drug addiction and zero contact and time are how you heal. Reporting contact to the police is the best thing to do. Let them deal with him. Show him you won’t tolerate his behaviour any longer. I felt sorry for my ex while he was on bail. Making out he was heart broken while seeing another woman behind my back. Don’t believe a word he says. They are liars and manipulators.
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