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I started dating my partner (detail removed by moderator) now. I knew him in passing through work as we are in the same industry and we would pass the time of day with each other and I thought he was a lovely man. We ended up working with each other in (year removed by moderator) and realised we had a lot in common so we started going out together and it was beautiful. We shared so many common interests except one when I realised he was a drinker, an alcoholic. I realised quite quickly and I helped and supported him as much as I could. I’ve been the first person in his life to make him want to live and go through detox and now he is (detail removed by moderator) months sober which is an amazing achievement. I know he has to want to do it for himself but I have been the catalyst to push him forward. During the (detail removed by moderator) we have been together he has at times been verbally abusive and physically too the odd time. I have been stressed and upset about it but I know that he is on a lot of medication and going through a lot in his recovery. I know it doesn’t make it acceptable but I have stuck by him. Fast forward to (detail removed by moderator) and we were driving down south to see his friend (detail removed by moderator). Other old friends of my partners would be there and everyone was meeting in the pub so not a good combination as my partner used to drink with some of these people. Anyway, he wasn’t great and took it out on me. I know I am not perfect either and maybe didn’t help the situation. The thing that worries me is that he can turn his abuse on and off so it’s not like he’s totally out of control and doesn’t know what he’s doing. So the day we were driving back (detail removed by moderator) and he was in a terrible place and I wish now that I’d went for alternative transport to get home. I wasn’t on the insurance and it was too late to add myself so I got in the car with him never imagining what would happen. From the minute we got into the car he nipped nipped away at me. Every time I went to speak he pulled over onto the hard shoulder and started his berating again. He at one point said he was going to take the car and crash it and take me with him. This was on the motorway doing 80 miles per hour. He grabbed my hair and pulled me around in the car amongst other things and I was so scared. Ever since I have been absolutely exhausted and struggling at work and I have a really good job and it’s so important to me. I am very angry. Not just at him but how I’ve let his actions make me feel. A woman at Women’s Aid said I am probably suffering from PTSD. Since then he has been more distant and controlling I would say. Straight after that day he went straight to seek help for his anger to be fast tracked further up the list. (detail removed by moderator) he withdrew from me andni couldn’t get hold of him and that was the worst thing he could do because I want answers and closeness to know that he still loves me. Things aren’t the same now and I feel differently towards him as i can’t talk to him about what he’s done and he gets angry if I do and turns it round on me. I have never been in this situation in my life before fortunately and I still love him so much and want to support him but I suppose I’m looking for advice because I’m worried this is the start of something more abusive and should I leave now or let him get the help first and see where we go from there.
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I do still love him though and he has helped me in my life and we’ve had some beautiful times together physically and emotionally. We share so much in common in terms of our likes, what we like to do. The episode in the car was so out of the blue in that things had been so great the past few weeks and I’d just moved into a new house and he’d helped a lot with that. Now my emotions are all over the place because I keep thinking of the beautiful person that he can be and what he does for me then I keep thinking about the car journey and other things and I can’t believe what he’s done.
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Im probably going to say the same as the woman at women’s aid, what hes done will be traumatising for you. The crux of the matter is that he has put your life in danger, driving erratically like that, there is no excuse to loose control to that degree. Your realising that your in an abusive relationship and you also realise the probability is it will escalate. Im sure your heart is not following your head. We start off in the beginning of relationships so in love and full of hope for the future. were unstoppable and were willing to help our partners through anything.
The trouble is (and its hard to face) is that he has probably had this side of him all along, its just that you havent seen the real version of him until recently. He knows what he is doing. Once i read why does he do that by lundy bancroft all of the above made more sense. Once you see this for what it is you will realise that there was nothing that you could have done to change the outcome of this. your recognising him as being abusive in contacting wa. We all tend to give them second chances not wanting to give up on our relationship is natural.guilt and fear come into play and we become trauma bonded. Take the first steps in educating yourself on the dynamics of abusive relationships and keep seeking help from wa. You dont have to make any rash decisions until your ready as long as your safe. The thing is it gets harder to leave an abusive partner as they inevitably chip away at your self confidence, they can alienate you from your support systems. The help is there when and only if your ready xx -
He’s not just broken your heart though has he. Your oh doesn’t have anger problems, he can control his anger when he chooses. I so wish I’d had someone in my corner when my oh started showing his true self. I wish I could tell you it’s him not drinking and being around friends who were that triggered him off. I wish I could tell you it’ll be alright. But I can’t. You oh has shown you his true self, your head and body knows the score, your heart takes a lot longer to realise he’s no good for you. Look up trauma bonding and the FOG (fear,obligation and guilt). Be thankful you have no children together, be thankful you have no joint debts together. You’re post is breaking my heart, that yet another man is choosing to hurt the one person who would do anything for him without him having to be violent or spiteful of whatever he does to confuse and control you. I hope you find the strength to leave, I haven’t and I’m losing myself again just now. Keep posting and reading others posts. Speak to WA if you haven’t already, they can advise you how to get away and do so safely. You are stronger than you realise my friend, best wishes IWMB 💕💕
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get out now.
this is an abusive man.
he can not change.
don’t be fooled and think.
get ou whilst you can.
i lived your life for (detail removed by moderator) years and only just have found the strength to get him out. this may be to do with his recovery.
you will never get this time back, he may have things in common and have some amazin days but the abuse will always happen and evidence says it will get worse.
don’t get fooled -
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get out now.
this is an abusive man.
he can not change.
don’t be fooled and think.
get ou whilst you can.
i lived your life for (detail removed by moderator) years and only just have found the strength to get him out. this has nothing to do with his recovery.this is about abuseyou will never get this time back, he may have things in common and have some amazin days but the abuse will always happen and evidence says it will get worse.
don’t get fooled -
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He’s broken your heart, your trust and the relationship between you, darling. Don’t blame the alcohol; you’re right to say he has a choice. His behaviour is 100% on him.
He needs fixing, but you aren’t qualified to fix him or even support him while he works on himself. You don’t bear any responsibility for that.
The lovely man and the lovely moments are gone. They aren’t coming back. They were probably play-acting all along.
You are lucky to be alive, I think. You are not safe with him. If you want a loving, equal relationship with a super man, you need to start a new search. No amount of hope, support and imagination can fix this man.
Flower x
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He is now using these mind games with me. He knows I want to see him to try and make things right and he keeps reeling me in and pushing me away controlling me. I was out with friends (detail removed by Moderator) trying to feel better because I really feel unwell with stress over the whole thing and have had pains in my stomach, can’t concentrate on work and I have a good job that’s important to me. He wants to bring me under and his texts and emails are careful to cover his tracks as he knows he’s abused me. I was told that I was probably suffering from post traumatic stress after the car journey (detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago and (detail removed by Moderator) he was blanking me and I just wanted closeness from him and to get answers and try and understand because I couldn’t believe it. His family have pulled rank around him saying hes in a bad place and I did things to provoke that type of behaviour. He text me first thing (detail removed by Moderator) and because I didn’t let him know I was home from my friends (detail removed by Moderator) he has said he can’t see me (detail removed by Moderator) now as I’ve made him feel worse. I thought abusers reeled you in and pushed you away again but he’s really messing with my head now with all the mind games. Doesn’t he want the closeness and love and I would still give it to him after everything he’s done. We had the best physical side of a relationship I’ve ever had with anyone. Does this mean he’s playing away to as he loved the intimacy and it’s like he can do without now and is punishing me because he knows I want the closeness but why would he deny himself?
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over anything else including other needs like sex and closeness he (for some obscure reason) n********m probably he needs to be one up on you. So he will punish you by withdrawing because you didnt text him . he knows your weaknesses hes weighed all of this up in your relationship. If the therapist has told you, you have ptsd then its time to take a step back because when your suffering from this you wont be able to desifer whats going on. Your in the fog (fear obligation and guilt) you may also be trauma bonded to him. i would go no contact now and spare yourself because as you say will he bring another woman into the picture to abuse you? to dangle her under your nose until you break and go back to him. all of the above happened to me and i honestly know in hind sight and if i could relive this i would have gone no contact. They use triangulation ive noticed often as a last resort, remember there wont be any real feeling there (if he makes a woman is around him) so try not to hurt over this thats what he wants. please take yourself out of this situation, lean on your friends, give the no contact a good go and i bet you will feel clearer in dealing with all of this. You will eventually realise dealing with him is futile he will break your heart even more. much love diy mum x*x
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