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    • #122648
      Catjam
      Participant

      He keeps telling me how much he has changed, doing more around the house. Apparently I am not appreciating all the hard work he is doing. His new line he now says all the time (detail removed by moderator). Clearly he believes that he is so changed I should be grateful.
      As I have mentioned in previous posts he barely speaks to (Detail removed by moderator) she decided she had enough. She was on the verge of a meltdown. So she very calmly explained to him exactly how he had made her feel these past few years. That living in the house with him was unbearable, the pain it had clearly caused me. I was so proud of her. She was quietly sobbing right through. He said to her (detail removed by moderator), she pointed out it was him that needed to do the work. He just sat there (detail removed by moderator).
      She now feels better than she has in years, he carried on as if nothing was said. But he has stopped barging past her, instead he asks to get past.
      I told him I was going to move out, a separation while I sorted my head. Only if I promise to come back.
      I feel dead inside, just numb. I look at him and feel sadness and rage.
      Hopefully signing for a property (detail removed by moderator) and I could be free although I am fully expecting to have him stalk me and turn up at random times.

    • #122740
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Catjam,

      I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like he is saying he has changed to try to manipulate you, he has not done anything that you should be grateful for.

      It’s understandable that your daughter is struggling with this, she did really well to express her feelings but even then it doesn’t sound like your partner really acknowledged any of this or took responsibility. This just shows how he hasn’t changed at all.

      Good look with the new property, I hope this works out for you. You could look at putting some safety measures in place after you have left, you can find lots of information here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan

      Take care and keep posting

      Lisa

    • #122744
      Watersprite
      Participant

      Oh catjam I’ve been there just hoping beyond hope he would change falling for the lies and promises and fake apologies believing he has got it. So. Many. Times. And yes there were great spells. But no he never changed it didn’t last the abuse got worse I don’t know how but we left we did it! Catjam I don’t know how old your daughter is but she is amazing. My children are so affected by abuse and I just couldn’t see it when I was there despite people telling me I thought I protected them from it. I didn’t and this is now so obvious now we are out and no contact. The best thing I did was leave it hasn’t been easy. You are taking great steps your courage is there he has just squashed it but it is there and can come back when you are out. Abusers are liars – they have no conscience they don’t take responsibility his behaviour shows you. Take care keep posting leaving the most dangerous time – reach out for support to help. You can do this! X*x

    • #122745
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      From what you described, it doesn’t seem like he has changed. His lack of remorse, empathy and accountability when confronted with the effect of his abuse shows that he has very little insight. He has done a great deal of damage and caused immeasurable pain. Until he can take the responsibility for that, then there have been no change nor is there the hope of change.

    • #122749
      Catjam
      Participant

      Thank you, I’m turning into someone I don’t like. I can barely look at him at the moment or engage in conversation, still cook and do everything though. I’m worried about trying to pack without triggering him. He knows I am planning on going but he thinks its for a few weeks to clear my head. He actually said he would let me go but only if i promise to come back. He clearly feels he is justified and in the right.

      • #122785
        Empoweredhealing
        Participant

        Yes, he’s still exerting a lot of control.
        You have emotionally separated from him. These are the first stages of leaving.
        Perhaps you can let him think that you are going away temporarily and then tell him that you have left permanently once you are safe. Controlling men are often unpredictable when partners leave or have left.

    • #122830
      imsolostrightnow
      Participant

      Hi. I am currently in the same situation. He doesn’t take any responsibility for what he’s done, always telling me im just looking for his faults or criticising him (turning the blame on me), and there has been (detail removed by Moderator) years of empty promises of change.(detail removed by Moderator) he asked me what he’s doing that’s so wrong. As of this was our first conversation about it. I decided there and then that this was futile. I also had hoped and hoped he would change, but he cannot even admit to the sexual abuse he put me through. I am currently seeking help to leave. I’ve spoken with WA (detail removed by Moderator). I will hear more on (detail removed by Moderator) again. Thank you for sharing your story. Its helped me see mine is not the only one like this. Hope you are able to sort things for yourself and your daughter. I have 3 children with my abuser, and our youngest is (detail removed by Moderator) and has autism. Our daughter is (detail removed by Moderator) and also wants nothing to do with him. Our middle son, he’s (detail removed by Moderator), is unfortunately very loyal to his father. But nonetheless. We will get away and be ok. And so will you.

    • #122878
      Catjam
      Participant

      Another circle of him telling me how much he has changed, terrified he will come home and I won’t be here. I told him I didn’t want to leave my home but because he refused I had no choice, I also told him I needed him not to contact me for a few weeks. This led to a fresh round of begging and telling me he’s changed.
      I reminded him that the last few decades have been putting him and the kids first. Now I needed to put me first, decide what I need. Apparently not, he says we need to work together for us, for our future. I said if that was true then you wouldn’t have continued to treat our youngest the way you did. That I had told him repeatedly that by ignoring her it hurt me.
      Cue lots of tears.
      Surely if he was serious about changing he would move out not watch me go with our youngest and pets.
      I think he is hoping I will back down as I always have and then I will be back under control.
      I don’t enjoy being like this, especially so hard. It’s truly not my nature to be like this. But I’m tired of everything and I just want it done.

    • #122884
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Hi Catjam,

      You are not being hard, you are being honest and assertive. Change is about action, not crocodile tears and words. If he was capable of love and empathy he would recognize how he has hurt you and understand why you must leave. However if these men were capable of empathy or self-reflection they would not be abusive in the first place.

      He is casting himself in the victim role with his tears and promises of change. He is not the victim here, you and your children are. He is the architect of this situation, and is reaping what he has sowed. It is still all about him; how much HE has changed, how lonely and sad HE will be when you leave.

      If he was truly sorry and willing to change he would be the one moving out and he would have enough respect for you to give the space you have asked for. He hasn’t because it is all just more lies and manipulation.

      You are so strong and you will escape this. Keep posting, we are all here for you. Sending a big hug xx

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